vaneigem's Diaryland Diary

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NO ONE

alicia keys NO ONE is officially my karaoke song. hilarious and amazing. the song is amazing. she rules in the video for that song, all on her organ pumping back the hair and shaking her jelly. When she sings "When the rain is pouring downnnnn" it is sooo good!! she rules. im warm 2 alicia. right? cuz no one can get in the way of what im feelin and what i feel 4 u.

tonight was rough. i havent had a good night at all and stayed in becuase of its roughness. i just stopped to the grocery store and got club soda and a pizza. im excited for my pizza. there is a jd samsonish looking woman who works at the grocery store and shes my total favourite. she looks so badass and rolls up her uniform sleeves. she looks at me and says hello and you totally know shes all like "Consumer society is a barrier to true social interaction and human emotion. OFF THE PIGS!"

I can smell my pizza nad its distracting. I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow because ashley moves in. Generally I'm pretty excited to have her live here because she's my FRIEND but my roommate-friend so there aren't any weird divisions we need to set up, and shes funny and it will be nice to have her around. I'm not too into some of the people she hangs out with and her boyfriend is a total nerdbag, in the sense that he has like a convertible. So it could either be a really good change, but even the worst will be better than C. who was sweet but generally really weird and awkward.

I've had band practice a couple times in the past day or so and it's going pretty well. I had a song that I didnt really realize I had and it's really good. And when I say something is really good I mean in the sense that it has really goodpotential. i have never been 100% satisfied with anything yet, or even 75% yet, but I know something when I hear it. I know what I want to do exactly. It's kind of like how I've been putting off getting rid of my crappy dresser, and today I just decided to do it. It was a small job but I just needed to not think about it and I did it and now it's done. I need to do a big overhaul like that. I need to just go out and buy a guitar. THat's one big thing. I found a girl who is doing something a little bit similar to me but sweeter and less dark and she only has like 300 friends on myspace and I think she is totally amazing. Her music is really good simple cute pop music. I actually really love it and I listen to the songs all the time. I'm going to talk to her about how she records because the quality is really good and how I want it. I also am going to find out her drum machine make so I can get one, because it's really annoying recording drums on their own and dubbing it through. It sounds stupid.

Ive started writing a book and it features my childhood archnemesis.I figure maybe I should really work a bunch on it, like work really hardcore and that will be my summer thing.

I got my stitches out and the doctor was totally nutso. He fumbled and dropped his scalpel or whatever right before he was about to cut and that really freaked me out. I had my hand in the air and my hand was shaking a little because I mean try to keep your hand insanely still while holding it in the air. I think this doctor was retarded. Why wouldnt he have me set it on an operation table? Whatever? Also I accidentally almost started a riot in the clinic waiting room. But that's old news.

Things have not been well these past couple weeks or so. I'm going away next week so hopefully it should calm down. This entry is boring.

I saw Through a Glass Darkly again from across the street. That film is fucking fantastic. It sort of made me think also about emotioanl standards and different people's perceptions of how to react to something 'normally.' Despite Karin's thing in the film being emotionally usntable, I find her very stable for the most part. Well, I'm sure Bergman wasn't trying to make a statement about emotional stability. But say, she sneaks through her father's desk and finds his diary, only to find that he has written about his guilty urges to use Karin's deteriorating mental illness as a writing opportunity and that she will never get better again (schizophrenia). This really upsets Karin and she cries in her privacy. When she exits outside, she wears a happy face as if nothing had happened. She doesn't want her father to feel bad and to alienate other people. She calms down, comes to her senses, and brings the event up later with her husband, and her husband then deals with her fatehr as an intermediary. I guess it would depend on the person but in most situations I would just confront the father probably crying and feeling very hurt. And really wouldn't that be a really fucking awful way to react? But that would be my initial reaction, and my passion would drive me to act without thinking. But sometimes my viewpoint is... Why beat around the bush? Is that emotionalyl unstable? Yes it's pretty immature. I find in my relationships I sometimes communicate too much. I always want to talk aboutit and deal with things now. I just dont feel the sense in prolonging drama. I hate drama and things not being in order and life not being in my control. I look up to Karin in some ways because she is really cool with not being in control, and that is essentially good because there is always drama no matter where you turn, life is always fucked up in some way. I always acknowledge that but I feel that it's best to like, you know, smoke pot and be like "i love this alicia keys song". Live life. Get a nice outfit and go out to dinner with your friends. Tell your lover you love them and have sex and then be liek "whatever!"and go read. Eat an orange. Buy some chocolate almonds. See friends and hvae a dance competition. The quicker we get over shit liek "I read my dadds diary and he wrote mean things about me that hurt my feewings" just love the world. I feel very hurt all the time and very sad. I dont think it's depression. And it's not sadness for myself, I'm not sure what it is. I think I need a bit of a change maybe

1:07 am - 05.24.08

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