vaneigem's Diaryland Diary
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Borne to be Choosey
I kept saying "I'm just a lover in wilderness" tonight jokingly. I'm wild in a lovers world. I feel sad but happy. Every year I learn one big thing, that's something that is pretty consistent. I seem to work in annual themes. This year's theme so far seems to be "It's complicated." A good political science paper will end with this. But I am speaking in terms of my emotions. Sometimes when I am walking downthe street thinking about things, I think of what I write in here and how inaccurate it is. What I say isnt what it is, it's just a snapshot of a particularly moment or what ever. My depression and anxiety is a product of some preconceived socially accepted idea. This is how depression works.. this is a lull. You're starving or you're thriving. As things build up as you grow older all of these things overlap all of the time.
I often feel like a child. I'm not capable to handle a lot of grownup things and emotions and shit that goes on in this world. I feel like I have been isolated my whole life and I still live in my dream world and I definitely don't have the tools and insturments to deal with some people and some situations. I have a really isolationist idea of how I want my life to be. I don't want to be famous. I want to be recognized for what I do for what it is and not this idea of what I am or who I am or my name. That is why I really like the Karen Eliot idea. I want to have a strong influence but I want to put on an invisible cloak or something.
These past few days and htese next couple of days have been really interesting emotionally. I feel liberated and trapped and at peace yet in despair, switching from moment to moment. It feels like writing a sad song, the satisfaction you get from releasing something but also being kind of trapped inside this thing and the effect of listening to it over and over for each small detail and it's almost nauseating. It's like the moment before you sneeze. It's complicated- I could describe it in a million different ways and they would all be equally as accurate. I feel like I'm feeling everything right now, and it's relaxing.
I plan to take these two days and spend them how I want to, on my own in solitude and in privacy. I'm attached but very detached from everyone. I avoided a lot of social things this weekend and felt 90% removed from those that I participated.
A couple months ago my father told me that I "was always a very secretive child" and that I still hold this trait. I felt very alienated from my family because my parents always fought, I was terrified of my father and didn't trust my mother. This happens to a lot of people. The way I dealt with it I would write poems and hide them under my carpet. There was an area that wasn't stapled properly and I folded them carefully. I used to walk into the field for hours by myself and make up stupid songs because I could sing and no one could hear me. I remember that sort of stuff about my childhood, I lived in my dreamworld to get away from the shit that was going on in my family. I'm glad I did and I"m glad I didn't let other people's conflicts and aggression affect me. I find I respond in this way to the "real world." I picture my life when I"m older and it's me in the country making music and art and it's full of books and music and passionate love towards soemone and I have a day job that I really love and is fulfilling and contributes to my community, but my 'secret life' and creations are what always prevail. I want kids because I love them and I want to give them what I never got and I think I would raise awesome people that follow their passions with some pragmatism. It'll be full of good food and we'll hold beautiful grand social feasts like in Fanny and Alexander part 1.
Tomorrow I am planning on getting dressednicely and going out for breakfast which I rarely do. I will read some and come home and do some music, and read, and clean (I love to clean!), and write and write adn write my way through this weird timein my life. I think it's the romantic idea that "everything happens for a reason" screws me up, I don't believe it in all cases, but I do think some things happen for a reason. I do I do I do. It amazes me how dark things went last year for me, I'm not sure what it was. It was myself and my relationship and family issues that are dusted under the rug to never be brought up again. I'm glad I fucked it all away. I scratched my stomach twice out of frustration.
I think I know what I want and I need to keep focused. I want to be... A LOVER IN THE WILD
..with a dog I guess.
2:26 am - 03.31.08
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