vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TENTACLE ROOTS THROUGH TIME AND DREAMS My anxiety is destroying me. Slowly eating me up from the inside out. Last night I dreamdt the most terrifying thing of my life. It causes me to believe that I am possessed by a witch. She is trying to bring me to her side. She was short and otherworldy looking, from the little of the face that I coul see. She was stereotypically dressed in dark, her hair over her face. My dream was not a dream-- it happened in my hallway. She ran up and down my hallway with pointed sharp-toed black boots like an insect. Each foot was on either side of the hallway. She moved like an insect, quick and rigid. If sound were movement, she would be a staccato. I awoke and it seemed to happen in that hazy phase when you immediately, and i mean immediate, awaken. I felt inside me a sense of terror but in my head I felt that I needed to go to to the hallway, take off my clothes and do the same thing she was doing. Point my toes in this impossible way and move like a preying mantis up and down the hall at 4am. I cannot explain it logically in anyway. I was too tired to do so. Kerry informed me upon my visit with Meghan that she had all of the films we did together on a DVD. Since, funnily enough which I only realize now, all of us in that film group were present, we began speaking about how she needs to make us all copies. I did have all of my films and tv episdoes on two VHS tapes, and then meghan lost them. Which I was kind of okay with because I cared most about the process more than their result. But I am pumped to have this on DVD. I am making Kerry a mix cd for purposes of motivation and encouragement. Good ole m & e. M.E. Me. I stayed up way too late preparing my lecture last night. I am a huge procrastinator, and usually I know how long something will take me. I allot my time accordingly as tightened as possible. This was something new and I didn't know it would take me so long. I prepared a PowerPoint, because I wanted to put a lot of work into it. I was up until 4am and was to be up at 7am. There was no way I could go through actually delivering the lecture on such little sleep. I would die, I decided. I had a minor panic attack that lasted one second and decided I would sleep in and arrive at lunch . Sleeping was difficult. I didn't end up having to do it today anyway. There is a ot of work ahead of me. All for nothing. I feel like in pretty much all facets of my life that I work really hard for nothing. I feel this way sometimes in my relationship, how I want to move but we don't seem to really get anywhere. It's not the truth, it's the pessimism that rests in a locked box in every relationship. Sometimes you open it to find an explanation for things that you cannot find anywhere else. I wish sometimes he would surprise me on my door step with a bottle of wine when I'm having a bad day. Something cute like that sometimes. I would do that for him but I know he wouldn't want it, because it seems he doesn't want me to be a part of anything meaningful to him. I mean nothing to him. Not only that but he wants to hurt me like he is punishing me for something. He toys with this through jokes frequently. He will say something extremely hurtful as a joke, the joke that I am first supposed to interpret as true and then have a great sense of relief once I realize it isn't. That it's was a farce. It's quite presumptuous, I feel. I'm tired of it. I'll only have a love that speaks for itself. It should be undemanding but it takes work. All relationships take work. I don't know what that horrible girl did to him and what he did to himself. At times I think things could be a lot helathier and honest if we opened up to what happened there. I should feel nothing in return, but I feel a lot. I'll close that box now. You should never love someone unconditionally. I love him though. We are connected to each other on a really weird level. IN my book, Ingmar Bergman as a young adult is suspected of having stomach cancer. Once he decides to not have a guilty conscience for all the wrongs he had done in life, upon realizing that this would not release him from his torment, his health begins to fail. I think about going to Vermont where I spent a summer with my mother and sister when I was 10. It was the most beautiful trip because it was a taste of life without my oppressive dad. It was paradise on Earth. My own childhood Faro. Pharoah. There was a long river that you could walk in, up and down the stream if the current wasn't too strong. There was a small charming library and reading room, and a long paved bike trail across the street. Ian is my new semi-internet friend, who runs a Platypus chapter and is super involved and so we converse electronically. He said a really stupid comment and Ryan said " I agree" and it was such a sweeping generalization -- how could anyone agree? If you're the leader of a leftist organization, that's how. Obviously I couldnt give any two fucks and challenged this idea, that older texts are better to study than their more contemporary counterparts. I mean obviously right? I argue we should study a balance. But basically this organization criticizes what the Left has become, the New Left, and calls for a whole reconstitution. They feel, by proxy, that we should go back to square one and birth ourselves through the Originals. One of their problems is that they treat Marx Adorno etc like the Originals as if itheyf and their Ideas came to life independently, outside any social political economic context. Is there a way to argue in fact that aruging Marx as one of the few relevant and important thinkers today is in fact anti-marxist? etc. But then again, woop di doo, just like the Russian Revolution. And the whole thing is fallacious anyway. In the light (or darkness, rather! of the cave! HAHA...) that "the Originals" actually exist. Plagiarism is necessary; progress implies it, you know. I don't want to live my passionate political life studying Marx. He says, what contemporary writers did you have in mind? The whole question is kind of weird to me, adn the reason is because there is this agenda, this platform behind it all. I know it and recognize it. I want to exert my power though. It's also all such a male-oriented thought process. I think Ian appreciates my challenges and I hope to learn from other people and continue to push the group forward, for whatever or however it is that I can contribute. A part of me feels that I won't do all the work required to stay active but another part of me might feel motivated if it is kept fun and playful. I'll go to bed to sleep and then I'll work on my lecture. I'm not sure what I have planned for tomorrow. It's a free-day. Isn't that funny? Not Friday, but a Thursday. Friday I'm doing two lectures and Tuesday I am doing a another. I get nervous sometimes for them. I think maybe I confuse nervousness with anticipation or anxiousness. But maybe not, and maybe it's nervousness. Is it normal to be nervous to give a lecture? I question my abilities sometimes. Can people see that I am nervous sometimes? That would be embarrassing. I want to be cool calm collected and funyn. I had a new professor today for my History course. It is the second half of the year, so we get a new professor. He has a very laid-back lo-fi style to his teaching. He is the type that rolls his sleeves up and sits his bum on the desk instead of using the podium. He yells in this huge auditorium instead of using a microsphone. I wonder if he is nervous. If 50 year old professors who have been professing professions for professedly a million years, if they still get nervous. Shouldn't they? They are speaking infront of 500+ people. Shouldn't they be nervous? He seemed a bit nervous today. It kind of sucks to know that that shitty feeling doesn't leave you. Nervousness should leave your system once you hit 20 or something. That would be good. Being nervous means to be nervy. Am I not prepared enough? Am I too prepared? It's a mystery. 2:16 am - 01.17.08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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