vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- AUFSCHWUNG
I don't want to live on borrowed, used up time. When you have a bad dream it's probably because you ate something strange. Let's not overthink things. But how does one live truthfully and unafraid? I suppose it's a battle of the mind. Don't use old weapons. Helena said "We all play our parts, some negligently and others with great care." She is the latter and that's what I want to be. I want to be the one with Great Care. Bad dream? Don't eat before you sleep. Depressed? Do something about it. I feel when I try to keep it so solidly together all of the time that it exhausts me. I have been unleashing things lately that probably are making me negligent. We have all experienced bullshit violations that have penetrated us in the deepest of ways but dwelling on that is exhausting and fucking bullshit, so fuck it. Fuck shit cock pussy dick ass ejaculation. Despite my horrible spirits, I waltzed to the library today to get some books. A girl asked me where Chapters was and it was kind of complicated from our positioning, our GPS if you will. As I entered the library a guy stared at me, I felt uncomfortable and I wondered if I had something on my face. I realized that he was a TA from a couple years ago. We exchanged hellos. I found it strange and nice that he remembered me. It was one of the awkward ones, I wished it were Brent. God wow! Brent. I came home , made dinner, and made fun of a rude customer with my roommate. We had a nice catch up today. She has a lot of really nice design books. Her boyfriend is a nice guy. Sometimes we will go through several days without seeing each other. This house can be a palace one day and a prison the next. I am making Marc a mix cd because his birthday is coming up, and I'm feeling it. It really touched me that he called me on New Years. I still have a strong feeling for him but it is just love for him as a person in general. He treated me really well, like, incredibly crazily crazy well. One night I just felt that I didn't deserve it. At that moment I was trying to harden my heart. I never have explained that to him. He was once a very important person in my life, looking back on things. I want the best for him always. Last night I wrote a new song, the first one that came out of me in a few months. Yet it took me about 3 minutes to put together. It was weird. It is not done but the foundation is pretty good as it is. I have probably 20 songs by now and 3 I think I could probably use on an album if I were putting one together. Which I plan to do, but I 'm figuring out if it would be a good idea to create a deadline to pressure myself, or a better idea to let it come slowly and naturally. Sometimes I feel that I am an oversexed individual. In all honesty and practicality, I would have sex anywhere from 2-4 times a day, depending on my mood and obligations. I have always felt more sexually interested than other people my age growing up. My first 'sexual experience' was when I was very young (a consequence and not a cause of these thoughts). However it is all in the light of careful selectivity and the closest intimacy. There is something really amazing about being naked and completely unhibited. Experiencing that opportunity is irresistable to me. I have had only a few sexual partners and would like to keep it that way, most importantly. Music is liquidy and I'm floating on books lately. I'm holding on for dear life! It's fucking scary. 1:05 am - 01.12.08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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