vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WARRIOR IN MY STEAK WELLINGTON
I wrote my exam and I'm fucking tired as fuckity tired shit fucks. I went to bed at 5am, I studied until 5am. I awoke at 10am, and then thought "STUPID" and got up at 11am instead. If I hadn't slept for that stupid hour, I could have studied more about reconstruction. I am disgustingly obsessive psycho about studying when I get into it. I will not eat or sleep or even get out of my seat. I can easily study for 12 hours straight. It sucks, knowing that I possess this ability. Geoff sent me a phone call and that was cutey. He had the day off, he said. This is pretty miraculous. Geoff never has a day off. At first I was kind of OH! And felt sad for myself since I had to study and couldn't spend this rare day to spend as a couple and laugh all day skipping along the icey seashores petting beautiful polar bears wearing icycle necklaces and snowflake crowns. No, my world today was about jacksonian democracy and the american civil war. Did you know that probably my most favourite song in the world of all time is STONED LOVE by the supremes? Weirdly enough, the melody reminds me of glorious innocent youth, the postiive selectivity of my memory, everything it is that i romanticize about my youth to the highest degree of romanticism, it reminds me of all those moments wehre you're hopping down the street after feeling bummed out and you get that sudden euphoric feeling of worldly perspective. It's the song that makes you picture your parents when theyre 17 and they're super human and cool, and you're proud that theyre your parents. The song is Everything is Going to be Okay, Life is Beautiful. That feeling is Stoned Love by the Supremes. I'm not in a dream world at all, I"m not, maybe I am, but I know truth, I know exactly all the realities, the shit that I could possibly look at and dwell on. Sometimes I do but it doesn't last long for me. I've got imagination and skillz. Sometimes I think I have a weird disorder that is the oppostie of being depressed, liek I am super manic or some shit, because I'm fucking happy and careless all the damn time lately. There is nothing as liberating as some shit happening and you're like "OH WELL!." I am fucking tired and annoyed today but at the same time I couldn't stop making jokes to geoff and giggling to myself, maybe I am really delirious I don't know. I feel that I should be in a really bad mood or something! It' sfunny these times, you grow suspicious when you're happy. Maybe you're just happy! I'm not really annoying about it too which is important that im aware of, like i siad, sometimes i feel that i have to control myself when I see someone I know or something and not act as happy as I feel because its going to weird people out bigtime bossies. I mean obviously i really hate the world sometiems and im obviously just writing this because im in a good mood. Marcelle showed me this funny group made by this teenage girl called " i really dun care wat da f*** da wolrd thinks or spreadz shit abt me..!! " So tomorrow I teach a class, I need to sort of go over what exactly I'm going to fucking do tomorrow.. lol. It should take me an hour or two. I'm not going to be getting much sleep tonight. COffee is going to be my best friend. I didnt get much sleep last night soI'm a little worried but oh well. I couldnt give any shit!!!! I will probably come home and sleep forever. Wednesday is jamiegeoff night and I think on that day I am going to plan a new painting because I need to do something really badly. I also need to make a decision about bying the interface off gabe, and also I need to book my via chrstimas train and rent a guitar for possibly the next two weeks but maybe not if I choose to read and paint instead of play and record. I am kind of itching in some ways to get back doing music but in other ways I am not. I feel like I"ve reached some wall I guess, but I'm being really negative in saying that I think because there's always a way. What comes out of having to get around a wall can be a lot better than just walking down a clear path already full of flowers and rainbows and rainbowfluffy bunnies and shit or whatever. I'm going to go through the deepest dungeon walls full of cobwebs where no Legolas has ever dared go. Or I'll just be funny and not give a shit and record it or wahtever. I am listening to CASKET. Also. I have to do the polyhedron video and also. I have to figure out a new song. I am thinking of doing ok well ikm sure you dont care. i'm clealry blabbing on and talking the talk but not walking the walk right now, and i'ts my goal to start walking the walk again. I think I gained a few pounds, I feel really fat right now. I know I am not fat but I just feel weird, and I think it's from staying in doing applications 24/7 and eating more than I normally do, and then studying. I am thinkig of maybe joining a gym just to stay active and healthy mostly but I really cant justify spending that stupid fucking money. Gyms are so dumb to me. I dont think I would ever go, I cant picture myself putting on gym clothes, packing my bag with gym things, putting on boots in my ugly gym clothes, walking far to the gym, then working out for an hour, then changing and coming home disgusting, all at 8am or something. I really can't see myself doing that but maybe I will do it just to prove myself wrong. I feel a greater responsibility to do this kind of shit, like for my heart or whatever, I know I"m not 80 years old or some shit but I want to know that I have always taken good care of myself even in my youthful years, being these ones. I'm a youth! 1:07 am - 12.11.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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