vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Olga Smithe
Today I woke up at 7am, because yes , I predicted it, shit didn't work out for me on Monday. Whenever I experience a bad consequence of my own actions, or more often inaction, a man with a fedora and a detective coat, holding a jar of formaldehyde, pops up on my left shoulder and starts talking to me really sternly. He's an aggro if there ever was a man embodying aggro. He's my father. I can hear my father's voice scolding me whenever I fuck up. Last night it really did happen, it wasn't just his voice in my head, it was on a voicemail on my cell phone, but it was a nice message but underneath it all swam a subliminal, "I'm psychic and I know you let your modesty get the best of you in terms of advocating for yourself, " message and that's essentially how I-goes. I grew up in the mind frame that everything would be great and "forever" in the future, when I'm grown-up-and-free. I hate Discipline. I dont really understand how people do it, how poeple would WANT to use school as a tool to avoid getting ajob. I am dying toget a job, iI cant wait to be financially independent. In five years time I will be getting raises and making decent money, and in 10 years time I will be making pretty good money. Right now I am stuck between going into politics or history, and my conscience says POLITICS because its what I live for, but i also have to think pragmatically, I'm a libra, and this is a job, I need to allow my passions to be compromised by practicality in my work life, other wise I wouldnt be here, I would be a film maker and destined to be poor and anxiety-ridden with will-i-be-able-to-eat-next-month???? I dont want to have that question be anywhere in my art or te process of my art in anyway. Writing I could do it. I could be a writer as a job, but I wouldn't want tobe a writer anyway. The JOB/OCCUPATION/LIVELIHOOD of "artist" stresses me out, I guess I am just not brave enough and I respect anyone who is brave enough. I just genuienly feel like my purest of motives for my art would be obscured by the very fact of it being my livelihood. I see a good scene and I see a steak dinner. I want to see a good scene and see a good scene. I would really love to live in Nunavut for a a few months and make a political documentary. Politics of Nunvaut 298Y1Y. I will definitely do something like that really soon. This is the boring part of my life. It's going to the the stores to find the right pencils and erasers to sketch the grand master piece I am going to be making. I'm so tired and applications have sucked the life out of me. I sent 6 out yesterday, important documents worthy of Priority Registered Courier. I am a perfectionist so of course it takes me forever, i buy labels and make labels and then exacto out smaller labels for my return address. My effort will most definitely go unrecognized. The lady who receives the envelope is probably a first year university student, that rips it up and puts my application with the stack of 6,000 others, by the time November 30th arrives. I have two more to go, one of which is hte most important, which I am doing tomorrow. I am not teaching tomorrow even though i am supposed to I just cannot. Also, I have an ear infection which is really painful. I went to the doctors today. There I saw one of geoff's ex coworkers, whom I met clearly. I suppose he's one of those "hipsters" that wears everything trendy in one outfit everyday and waltzes around with an air of overconfidence. If he were decent it would be a different story, but it's the people who are so concerned with being cool is what really bores me. There aren't too many, I would like to think most people are good people once you get to know them. I thought it was funny that we weren't acknowledging each other in an 8x8 room. "Hey!!!! What you here for?!," I thought of all the potentially fucking annoying / funny nails-on-chalkboard comments I could make, but of course didn't, what do I care, while I waited. The doctor was a beautiful young woman. Shes the type of woman that looks really familiar, like someone you saw on tv with a really minor teeny tinesy role. This doctor was that woman from Seinfeld who didn't wear a bra and when Elaine gave her a bra, she wore it as a shirt - bada-ba-ba. I went to shoppers and bought ginseng and my prescription. Canadian ginseng with canadian ginseng root. Geoff's cat died so that's a really sad thing that happened today. How the whole thing happened sounds really weird, I feel really bad for him. He loved bear. He told me that he was sick and I was thinking of coming that night with that garfield movie for us to watch with bear so we could monitor him to see whats up. I'm not sure how to approach the death thing with Geoff, he really shuts out and I think it's his way of dealing with things so I"m trying to just let him know I'm here and give him his time, but I dont want to seem unsupportive or uncaring. He has been really good about it and that is what concerns me the most. The only thing I can really do is be here to listen and talk. I'm working on "TOronto" tonight.I should get most of it done, as I've done lots of writing for these types of questions already I guess. It's midnight and I'll probalby work until 3am or so. and then tomorrow. And then... I'm finisismmo!! This has been the hardest one to even START beacuse it's the scariest.ahh.. I feel so boring becasue this has been my life. Working on applications that will affect the next 50 years of my life. Same with getting up and going to the sink to get a glass of water which is what i'm going to do right now rip bear:( I am kind of thinking of buying geoff a new kitten.. by christmas time his mourning will be over and he will crave a kitty... hmm... maybe i'm just living vicariously through him. I never see the persian one (heathcliffe I have decided to name him) outside since it's winter. Heathcliffe is soooo feisty and sassy and regal. I miss him. I want a cat so bad.. you have no idea. If I get into school here this year, I"m spednign fucking 1500 dollars on a persian cat that speaks to me. I have no good luck with farm cats. They died and were stupid and crossed the raod and casued me so much grief in my early years. Simba is so smart and survivaly of the fittestishness. I think if simba knew heathcliffe they would fucking fall in love . Simba would ask him to hang out in the pines, in the pines, where the sun, dont ever shinnne. 12:09 am - 11.29.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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