vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- FREE WORDS I just talked to Jimmy and asked his opinion about writing a letter to V.V. I said I wanted to hypnotize him and convert him the right way and he said "into bed?" Today was busy but I didn't step a foot out the door. I walked home tonight. I am stepping back from everything in my life. I feel that I almost need to erase my identity in some weird way. I need to get naked, and walk around naked. That I really should have gone home this weekend, that I need to get away and retreat and reflect and come back influenced by something new. It's mature and immature and selfless and selfish. I think I am going to go somewhere , I was thinking of going to Montreal to visit Marcelle, exclusively, since we have been talking a bit lately. But Montreal sucks. It's dull and dank and uneasy on the eyes. It's like all my least favourite parts of all my favourite cities melded into one city. It's complicated. SO I figure, just home, because there are so many beuatiful places there and in the proximity. There is also a car there, and I can drive to a city. I can visit Meghan. I could stay in a cottage on the lake for the weekend. I sat and stared. Then I stood infront of my bed, covered by a duvet. I chekced the internet and received a Facebook message from Marce. She condescendingly wrote me a message about how she had touched Meghan's baby belly, and how I should try it. Because she's ahead of me and everyone else on and being a good friend and on everything else. I sent her a message back, a solid sturdy one, that I had seen her arlier, and that we had a nice time, thanks. I agreed to see her over x-mas. I'm hesitant to let another sketchy friend into my life. I'm learning that causes me far more grief when it's over than the happiness I enjoy when it's flourishing. And I deserve better than that. Which my sister is good to point out to me. Sometimes I disagree with myself on that point. That I need something romantic in my life, severely romantic in the truest sense of the word. The most important things to me are in a pen. All I want to do is study socialism, and study economics and capitalism, and understnad all the forces of capitalism as much as i can, and be an expert and shoot at neoliberalsim. I want to study new ideas and old ideas and I want to start something new and really big or contribute to something really new and HUGE, and something that will change peoples lives for the better, something that will change things for real, something to put in people's pockets, and something to put in people's minds. I think for the greatest impact, I need to study and work hard at learning right now which is what I'm dedicating my life to and what i'm most passionate about. For what I want to do, I am 3 months old. I am a little big baby. I need time and hardwork, but realistic goals so as to not depress myself. I spoke with Meredith who came back, who worked at a refugee camp, and she said how nothing much was done, how she went in thinking she was helping to save the world, but it meant shit in the long run. That professors and scholars at the university of california with the rwandese work in collaboration to work with the national commission for unity and reconciliation, that children are shot in groups everyday, by ex-militias that fight for something that is fake and constructed by corrupted governments, that the work of these people in the commission and the rwandese and american scholars, that their ideas have no impact, that their work means shit, I highly doubt. Or. That instilling self-esteem and respect and leadership skills into kids and teaching them what their rights are, when they're faced by a society that tells them they're just "at risk inner city" kids and are treated like shit and criminals by their teachers, and storekeepers, and people on the street, and they are so surprised and tell you when they actually feel respected. Blah blah. People --- patience. In relation to babies we're getting old, but in relation to adults we're still just little babies. Theres time and work and thinking to be done!!!!!!!!!!!!! 12:53 am - 11.05.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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