vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get off my DICK So last night I was going to go home to Belleville, because Geoff and I were in a fight. Well, we were in a fight about being in a fight. And I felt like I really needed to get away and go away and not have anything bother me or lingering in the back of my mind. Becuase when we get in fights I get so worried, to the point that it makes me sick, well not really, but close. Since we have broken up before I feel very fragile often. When really, I should just be like "whatever," because I feel like kind of a loser when I care too much, But. But I can't help it, it's just my nature. He stopped by today to pick up his headphones which kind of annoyed me, becuase he was being really nice and it's like saying " I love you. Can I have my sweater back?" But he was being genuinely nice, and if he really wanted to be a dick about it, he is pro at being a dick when he wants to be, and there is no question whether his intentions were dicky. So he was being nice and so I was nice because he handled it all really well even when I was being a dicky loser, he said exactly the right things and was being very caring. THat's all that matters to me right now. We just hugged and hugged and kissed and pecked at each other and said bye. I'm listening to Beastie Boys, "Check Your Head." This band is the first " cult band" i liked, I think. The first band you get obsessed with and dream of having all the members babies. My family drove to florida one summer when I was like, 10 or something. And I listened to this over and over and I still have all the rhymes off by heart. You could tell me a song and I could tell you all the lyrics including the sampled parts. It's really weird and embarrassing. I remember thinking all high school boys were like the Beastie Boys and so I was really excited to go to High School at that age, just for that. All the hot skateboarder boys that hang out with hawaiian girls by their pools. I'm writing a letter to Mr. V. Vikerenes soon. It's going to be really awesome! Imagine if he wrote back?! I would shit my pants!!!! I had a vivid dream last night. The same events happened as the night before, but everything panned out differently. Kind of like that movie run lola run i guess but these occurred in separate nights. I remember vividly the same conversation and this conversation struck me awake and I couldn't go back to sleep. Paritally because I was really hung over and sick I guess, but I'll get to that later. Anyway, this one part my dad asked my sister, "Do you like this song?" and in the first dream she appeared really bothered and silent. He repeated the question and she said, "NO. NO i dont". This time, she relayed this really disturbing story about cutting herself to that song when she was 10 (this is a complete construction of my dream..) and then went onto say that she had written a letter to my mother and she pretended like nothing was wrong and that she didn't even receive it. She wrote another and another and this song reminds her of being cut up and rejected, she said. Weirdly enough my dream was like a comedy episode and there was this huge laugh track and clapping like on Seinfeld or something. And then my dad was like " Oh." and then it all cut to a different scene. It was really weird and intense and I was like on drugs sapced out in the dream. Then I woke up. The song was SUBLIME whcih is the funniest thing of all things. It's because I was listening to Barrringtno Levy a couple days ago, and the Wikipedia thing on him name drops the guy from Sublime, maybe becuase that guy rips barrington levy off, and it must have just stuck in there subconsciously. The cutting thing probably comes from being really self conscious about a questionable looking burn mark on my arm when I was teaching on Thurs. My family because I talked to them all that night. I guess the dalai lama spoke which i was kind of interested in to see/hear/whatever.I have this book of the dead thing, and it talks a lot about UNCERTAINTY. the best thing to say to someoen if they are on their death bed, is basically to say is "i love you, it's okay to die." I guess you kinda always reach a threshhold, and when things get to the absolute worst point, your body /mind/whatever has this incredible ability to find some sort of coping mechanism. Instead of going home, I stayed, becuase I realized I was being really selfish to ditch my friend on her birthday because of my selfish pety problems. Also I had this idea that going out with a bunch of people would make me feel good in the long run. So I did. I mustered up some outfit, of all my Leftovers because everything else is ready to go to Laundry. I biked to Jenny's. On the way there a cop was on the side with a biker, and I think he was pulling over some guy for not having a light or something, and I dont have a light either so I was kind of shitting my pants over that for the two seconds that I had time to shit my pants. I kinda just kept biking even though policeman raised his hand at me, its liek this dickbag was the bike patrol because of course there's nothing worse and more pressing in Toronto than enviornmentally conscious people who dont have a tiny light that doesnt make any difference anyway. I just kept biking throught he green light and pretended I didnt see him. I was really sutpid to have done that but I did and I got away becuase he was with some other guy on the sidewalk! A bunch of people were there and I was feeling really silly. I felt nice and on top of things, and was in a really good excitable silly mood. We went to some place. I dont know what or where it was, we took a cab and I wasn't paying attention. Maria came eventually who is this russian girl and always attracts a russian mafia entourage somehow. SHe is definintely the most beautiful woman ive ever seen in my life, it's what she is welll known for. its like not even a quesiton, but shes the type of girl who i cant even take my eyes off of. I dont even have a crush on her, she is just so obviously perfect in every way. It appears all the girls I knwo who are in relationships are having difficulties with their boyfriends, so it's kind of comforting to talk about with other people. You dont feel so alone and dysfunctional when your own relationship isn't going the best it could, which is natural and happens to everyone but when it's hapening to you it seems very isolating. I think Icould be a lot cooler right now if I had my own house and my own spaec to make music instead hvanig to share this tiny place with 3 people whose lives are completely utterlty separate from my own. As much as I do enjoy living with C+C, I really do. I'm just getting older I guess. ANd maybe I'm just speaking from impulse. I am pretty hungry so I might go to subway, it is really the only place to get quick food around here, well that isn't like a deep fried falafel. Oh yeah the rest of my night went with like... really fun good times, drinking, tons of dancing, all of us went to Mels, I met this cute boy named... I forget... he is really nice and cool though, so maybe I made a new friend. It was picture-fest left right and centre which was silly. I walked with Alexie at 4am to jennys to grab my bike, went into jennys, alexie and i talked about freaky sexual things on the way there. He is gay and was expalining all these fetish sex subcultures in the gay scene. Jenyn came out in pyjamas freaking out that her ex boyfriend sent her a birthday message. I told her not to read into it and he problaby just felt like he should say something. Rather than to be malicious or selfish. I went home. THE TIME OF THE SUB. 12:35 pm - 11.03.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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