vaneigem's Diaryland Diary

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UNDER THE UMBRELLA TREE

Blah blah blah. On my stupid little journal goes and here I am.

Yesterday sucked and today sucked. I am bummed out and have major anxiety lately. I'm not sure if I'm depressed but I've been bummed in general for awhile. IF you can pinpoint exactly an event that is bumming you day in day out, then is it depression or is it just being bummed out about something? And does it even really matter anyway because its all stupid medical bullshit? It's all hormones and chemicals. Bummed by chemicals- Hilarious. "Let's chart your chemicals on a graph." Litmus paper. Blue / red etc.

And so it goes that I'm surrounded by work by clothes by clutter by shit. In a shithole house with nowhere togo. A shithole house with a landlord whose main event of the week is setting up an appointment with Air Conditioner man so he makes it a big annoying deal for everyone else and writes notes about it everyday. I just thought of a really bad joke about how he needs to chill out before we get the air conditioner. Bad.

And so it goes that schools and the workplace suck the life out of everything for some fucked up reason and make a mountain out of the dumbest tasks. The ideas and responsibilies behind these tasks would make sense to everyone even had no one done those dumb tasks in the first place. So it goes that everything is bureaucratic: another word for Shittsville. Shitcity. Shitcracy.
Bureaucracy is shifting. I just thought of another bad joke / word play-- that bureaucracy is shitting. Anyway, it is taking another form. Retarded theorists call it "post-bureaucracy" but that is ridiculous. Andddddd if you feel that what Im talking about couldnt get any more boring, hold your fucking pants losers. I'm explaining why you subconsciously want to be young and innocent forever. Bureaucracy was once a positive altnerative to authoritarian regimes that thrived upon corruption and patronage. Now it is being twisted by theorists as yet another challenge to conventional thinking. Right. So in political settings bureaucracy is not exactly popular for enforcing responsibility and accountability. Yet in social settings, we're completely fine with bureaucratic institutions like SCHOOL and WORK yet people dont stop to question about responsibility or accountability in these spheres. Bureaucracy in social settings is probably way more important to understand than administrative bureaucracy. People dont realize a big part of their lives is being thrust into a shitty bureaucracy. No bosses, no bullshit.
Bureaucracy is bankrupt.
That is my idea on life. When you walk out into the world, when you go to work, youre heading into a bureaucracy that is bankrupt and means nothing. You're walking into nothingness. I wonder if the situationists have considered bureaucracy in this way. Institutions suck the life out of responsibility. I hope you know that tons of assholes are trying to use bureaucracy, fuck it in the ass, to make capitalism sound a million times better. Capitalism is the " alternative."

Like I said, most of what exists doenst even really fucking matter. Everything is moving and changing. It feels that people who I am supposed to answer to are 5 steps ahead of me but I dont have hte time and energy and will to actually catch up. I couldn't care less. For example today Geoff and I woke up and had breakfast. We ran into his friend along the way, who thinks I hate her. She thinks I hate her just because she happens to be friends with my boyfriend. That in itself really annoys me because I know for a fact she has discussed this brilliant idea of hers with a few of our mutual friends. She is a blank slate to me. I was grumpy already and I didnt want to deal with having to be really overly nice to some girl just because she has this insecurity complex I need to fix. I figured at that moment, I may as just be the person she seems to think I am, since it doesnt take any energy. Her and Geoff led a sufficiently awkward and superficial conversation. I ignored them because I jsut wanted to be invisible. So I was! I just really had no physical energy to even fake " BEING THERE". I existed today in a big blob of nothing. Check out the photo behind this box surrounded by a stupid purple border.

I need a lto of time to think. I need time to sleep and I need no stress. I'm not even making any sense. There is way too much to do and people to figure out. There is way too mcuh recreation involved, even. Tasks that usually seem enjoyable and creative to me, music, reading, writing, they all stress me out. Why do I do them I do not know. SO I am not a boring person? That talks about everyday life bureaucracy? I do not know. Under the umbrella tree.

2:57 am - 10.20.07

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