vaneigem's Diaryland Diary

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IM GLAD YR IN MY HANDS / IM GLAD IM IN YR HANDS

Hello!!

This is going to be long because it was abig few days and i want to have it all documented for when i get too old to remember three days behind me.

The wedding was fantastic....
I am trying to remember everything.
So on Friday, I woke up at 9am and ran some errands, and brought geoffrey and I breakfast since we were meeting to discuss how to get to M+M's wedding. I had been so stressed and tired from this, just the pressure of doing okay and also emotionally dealing with my sister getting married has taken a toll on me. My relationship with my sister is really close and I have relied on her for so much growing up, and we have been through so so much together and helped each other through so much. Tears are coming to my eyes just typing it. She means so much to me.I guess now that she is married it feels like she is " gone" like things will never be the same again and I want things to stay the same between us. It is a mixture of happiness and sadness to be honest. Not one or the either, but always both. I would never be sad about it. It is a fact of life. Also I had to figure out a way to write an emotional, impressive speech without making myself cry and embarrassing myself and that was really stressing me out.

On Friday we had a meet and greet. We drove to the hotel, met all of matts family, it was a good time. his family is really loving, classy in the non-snooty way, and tight-knit. They are all fun and I tried to speak with everyone. By teh end of the night I got really tired, and worried that we were staying too late and be tired fo rthe wedding so I managed to round them up and we went back downtown. I went to ikea before the meet and greet and got a hot dog. it was right across the street. my hotdog was fifty cents. it was nasty. but it allowed me to go to the meet and greet satisfied and wihtout pigging out on the food while i was there, that would have been embarrassing and necessary had i not gone.

The day of the wedding I met michelle at the hair place. it was nice and chill. We got our hair done and it ruled. Michelle started crying when it was done and it was cute baha. I thought it was becuase she didn't like her hair, but I asked her about what she was feeling and it was just that the whole day just hit her " this is my wedding day" kind of thing. it was cute. My hair turned out nice. I just wore it down with some big loose curls. I wanted to look natural and laid back, appropriate for a forest. We got our makeup done at MAC and it turned out great! I think we were both kinda scared for MAc because they are scary and MAC girls are freaky, like super caked on make up. but it turned out so nice and they did natural looks for us. At first I was unsure but then I got used to myself and I liked it. We went and I got us some lunch. The day of was quite nice and not too stressful. I didn't like that they were product pushing me... I had enough to think about and had spent enough money that iI really didnt give a shit about buying cosmetics. But she was just doing her job and she was nice. Then a fancy car picked us up on queen st and we headed to the conservation for the wedding. Michelle was a lot calmer than the day before..... she was pretty crazy the day before.. just extremely tired stressed and nervous and annoyed with family. Justin showed up and started filming stuff-- he was doing a documentary. He is cool. Grant , ym dads detective partner, showed up and did our photos.

The ceremony was beautiful . Kind of cold, but sunny and beautiful. We were in a forest with a small clearing, sun peaking through the leaves of the trees. Complete quiet except for birds chirping and then breeze. Chairs were set up for each family set. Everyone faced a cliff overlook thing into the forest. It was very striking.
It kind of upset me when I was walking down the aisle and I didnt see geoff there, but he had just gotten there late. His cabbie took him to the wrong place so its not his fault. He was really upset about i tand i wasnt mad at all but I remember being sad when I couldnt see him.

The wedding was cute and a couple times I almost cried, so I looked up high so my tears couldnt fall and I thought about marilyn manson. I told Matt to do that because he was afriad of crying.. it was ajoke i said right before we were ready to walk down the aisle. I think we both had to think about Marilyn Manson a couple times. Michelle totally kept her cool and totally didnt cry! They were really beyond cute. The wedding ceremony was extremely progressive and leftist politically. it began with recognizing every canadian citizen's right to marry. readings surrounding nature and feminist bell hooks. recognizing respect, flexibility, understanding, patience, and accepting differences in a relationship, honour, love, and honesty. i really liked everyhtin said. it was short and sweet too. those were the main things. my uncle came up and told me about how much he enjoyed it,a dn that he didnt realize how politically " progressive" we are (i use that term out of convenience). he is fucking cool and iranian.

The ceremony happeend, and the wedding party came inside. I saw geoff talking to my mum and dad and I was so happy to see him! He was happy to see me too. He looked so handsome in his suit and he said I lookd beautiful. We hugged and I introduced him to my dad. This went over quite well, a very no pressure casual situation which made everynoe comfortable. He felt really bad about missing the ceremony. That sucked! But I was so happy to see him. He has been working 9am-4am days all week and it was so nice to just see him and come all the way out there. It meant a lot to me.

Then speeches. Okay. So the night before, i actually wrote my speech out. I knew what I wanted to say long before. I got a bit emotinoal whenever I practiced it, but I figured once I was up infront of people and in the moment, I would be focused on other things like breathing and timing and not tripping etc. Well I was doing pretty okay and then I had to pause on one paragraph. Oop... shaky voice. And I started thinking OMG I BETTER NOT CRY!!! as i was speaking and then I looked up at micehlel and she was watching me ,well BAD IDEA and i started doing that shakey inaudible voice right before you cry . i realized i was getting emotional, and realizing when im getting emotional makes me even more emotional. hello. luckily i was on my last paragraph and i said it in the most horrible shaky emo-breakdown voice and then i just sat the hell down! omg. Everyone came up to me later and said they were really touched by it. jeremy talked to me about it after and how much it touched him. marilyn siad it was thehighlight of the speeches. im so embarrassed! I actually had areall yhard time after that not to cry. I couldnt even go over to michelel and talk after beacue i was so emotional. i would have just burst out crying!! I dont know what is wrong with me!! lol. Talking about our childhood in a really positive way was really difficult, because i had a difficult childhood both of us but we had each other and we go through everything with each other. so i think about my childhood with really positive sentiments, but its way more than just positive, it is triumphant like we conquered something together and it means so much more in that respect. I think that's why. I sat at the table and felt really uncomfortable because I didn't really know the people too well and it was an awkward situation when you are crying infrontof people. Geoff gave me a pat and little talk adn he is smart and realizes when i need to be alone. i was thankful for him. i decided to go tothe washroom to pull myself together in the middle of dinner because i still hadnt done that. i cried in some kleenex and fixed my makeup.

Matt's dad said the most fucking solid emotional non-crying speech of my fucking life. one part he talked about how he remembers the feeling of holding his son's little hand and then he paused and said, "I miss that little hand." Oh my god!! WTF. his dad is so cute. it is so strange to see other people's relationships withtheir fathers. my dad had a joke and finished his speech with a pink quote "lets get this party started." it is such a bad dad joke lol. my dad started crying as soon as he got up to the podium. jesus!! and then hepaused and everyone was like AW and he calmed down. JESUS! my mom was going to write a poem but didnt say it up front.

The food was AMAZING, such good caters. my mom did so much for the wedding and made everyhting look beautiful. The kids were fun. Thsi one little girl loved trying on my shoes, so she stole my shoes for awhile. So I stole hers and we danced togethe rin each others shoes. I love playing with little kids.

It was awesome to have geoff there, he got along with everyone great and it felt really good. He was the perfect combo of sort of keeping it in the background since it was michelle and matts wedding, and also being really nice and open to people. he decided not to stay at the hotel with me, well we decided that together. it was a really awkward situation, becase my dad paid for my hotelr oom, a nd we didnt want to make any awkward situations for my parents. and he had to work anyway, yes, he left at midnight and went back to work. He needs to stop it!!! Workaholics are the wrost. So i doubt he will become one and i trust that its just a phase.

I had so much fun. And I think geoff had a lot of fun and he got to meet all these people that mean a lot to me. I feel that things are a lot more mature with us and that we're finally sort of inching our way into it really nicely. We're no longer liek those couples that phone each other every hour , I personally really like that we are more comfortable than before, it is good that we both have our independence. When we used to be together, it was like we were in our own world and we never really hung out with anyone else. It was me and him and there was no one else in the whole world. I think that is a really sweet, idyllic, but immature love. SO it is cool to see us progressing further and keeping it passionate and loving. However, I feel that we are too separated right now. But I wont focus on that. I'm really glad we did that wedding thing, I have like 100x more trust and investment in him after he's met all these people that mean so much to me and at such a huge important event. He took a shining to Gilles, who was really funny. I hung out with michelles friends a lot and it was amazing.

Went to party with matt's family after at th ehotel , it was off the wall.
It was awesome to have a great day with michelel and matt and I hope they enjoyed themselves.

My great aunt donna is basically dying , we found out, so there was a sombre undertone on my side of the fam. I may be going to London for a funeral this week, actually. She was so sweet and amazing, it sucks. That hasnt hit me yet.

My parents are amazing and supportive and care for us so much. They have done and do so much for my sister and me, and for people that mean a lot to us. My father and I had a horrible relationship growing up but it has really improved times a million as we have grown older. My mom is the best mom in the whole world. Im not even saying that as an acknowledge exaggeration, I actually mean it in all seriousness. I have the best.

ANYWAY! I'm both glad and sad that it's over. I had such a great time. I wish I could see michelel after, but her and matt are off to paris today for 3 weeks. Holy shit!
I had a family reunion today... at scotts crazy house! I was hungover and felt sick but managed well. Then my dad and I went to bring m&m their wedding gifts, while they were in a state of frenzy before leaving to paris. They were just really tired. We got out of their hair fast.

Now i'm sitting here. It was good. I'm fucking tired as afuck. I'm still emotional. As soon as my dad left my house, I cried! I've had to keep it strong while around all my family and i Just needed to be alone and get it all out ! and im way too cold in this house. what is going on??? I am going to have a bath and then go to bed really early.

This week and def next week will be better now that geoff doesnt have to work so much. I have andys wedding next weekend whihc im pretty excited about. I am playing a song for them on the piano. I cant stand drinking. Drinking once or twice a montth for me is all I need!

My school interview went well!

GOOD NIGHT!!

8:13 pm - 09.16.07

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