vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LADY LADY
So I can't figure out why I'm stressed out. I dont think its teaching stuff... wedding .. . geoff's procrastination. I am extremely upset about the wellbeing of ______. I spent the time before i fell asleep thinking about it and started crying. This situation is extremely tricky because technically it's really none of my business. I talked to michelle and asked if I should say something , and she said "Well if you were my friend, and I was in that position, I would be mad at you later for not saying anything to me." Advice often shouldn't be taken, though. Advice is just someone else's idea of what you should do and it could be just as shitty or shittier than what you were thinking. I trust michelle though. So I feel completely torn. I am relieved to know that it's not completely out of hand and _____ has some idea. But I feel that i NEED to speak my mind and tell them that this isn't right and that they are being completely obviously totally manipulated and disrespected. Deep down maybe there is another motive there that I really cannot deal with realizing right now, well I have realized it but not until it was too late. So maybe I actually shouldn't mention anythng because if there were any selfish interests whatsoever invovled, I would feel horrible. I have no idea. It is eating away my conscience... I can't imagine what it is doing to the person that is actually experiencing it. I tried to keep in touch with meghan. I dont know what happened to her. She is pregnant with twins out of nowhere. She is moving to Kton. Ive wanted desperately to sit with her and talk, me and her. We used to confide everything into each other. Now I have no fucking idea of even the fundamentals of whats goingon in her life. She writes me safe, vague, generic messages. What happened with this mysterious man... if there is even a man at all involved in her pregnancy.... I am scared for her. Two babies at 22 on your own.... SHe is the last person I thought that would happen to. I was so disappointed to find out. I couldnt have a baby so young. There is so much I want to do. I want to be the best mom in the whole world and I want to do way more before Im ready to committ to that. It's like everyone is growing up and getting fucked up and it fucking sucks. ALl my heroes are being eaten away by other shitty people that need to fuck off. Anyway what else. Also I had a nice talk with Geoff and he was really sweet and dear to me, and told me " everything will be fiiiiine" and that's really what is nice to hear someitmes. I feel that I am very supportive and it was nice to get it in return. The funny thing is that I sent him message today, because I was upset with his passivity towards the wedding.. getting there and finding a suit, and his disorganization has beenn really stressing me out, and apathy towards that, upsettign me. SO I felt I had to speak up about it, and I'm glad I did. And I understand mostly, it's part of a growing-up-getting-responsible thing> Dont leave serious event shit until the last minute. Because it often negatively effects other people. I have all this stress from all this shit bottled up that I have to say to people. I am trying this new more mature where I keep kind of reserved with stuff. I have had a journal my whole life and it is just a fact of life for me. I hvae to write about my life because it makes my life a lot easier. A new day feels newer when I've reflected upon it and released it. I need a lot of "release". It's not about being voyeuristic. If I wanted tons of people to read it I wouldnt let myself be so embarrassing half the time and talk about being obsessed with cats and writing songs about hall and oates. I need to do music, to do art, I need to write and express myself in any way possible. I'm not sure why that is. HOw so many people can just go about their lives keeping it all bottle dinside!!!! I have a bubble bath waiting for me. I am going to go to bed early (1:30 is early for me....), get up early, go tot he bank, swtich account, get moeny out, use money to buy a coffee and read, shop for michelle stuff, figure out friday, call geoff to figure out if he wants to do breakfast on friday and if not drop by his work to give him stuff and to have him sign our card since friday afternoon is written off, go into the school and have an interview, check out my course reader, call jennifer, maybe treat myself to sushi. that is everything i have to do. oh yeah, and play riven. and be alone for the night because family is going to be intense. i am a bit worried for geoff after this huge week. i am hoping the wedding will be chill for him and that my family wont be too intense like grandmother pinching his cheeks and my uncle asking him complex philsoophical questions. i will be so glad to get it all over with. it is obviously a huge thing for me. i cant stop talking about it. NGIHT 1:17 am - 09.13.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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