vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TALKY TALKING My essay kind of sucks but I'm coming along with it. I am doing a conrad novel, it is all about revolutionary stuff. I really avoided picking a political topic becuase I knew I would just fall into writing in my own frame of mind instead of limiting myself to the narrative. I am forever thankful for the compassion of my volutneer boss guy, Fernando. He writes the most comforting professionally sweet emails , assuring me that I am perfect for such and such position and am sure that I will be accepted. The hiring world can be sort of scary, I"m totally ready for it, but it's just sort of nice from time to time to come across someone so down to earth and modest. Dating a dj is sometimes very difficult, for me at least. I'm not even sure if I still am anymore. Lately I have been falling for the evils of ... I dont know what. Jealousy, neediness, or something, it is one or the other. All I know is that it is pretty uncomplicated and there is something to be worked out but I dont know what. It feels like a glitch in a machine or something. Wow what a beautiful, emotionally-charged analogy. But yeah I dont know. WHat's most difficult is other peoples comments that I suppose shouldnt let get to me. Peopel will ask me about my relationship and i'll sort of be like yeah its good blahblah and they'll ask me questions. And some of my friends are alarmed about how things work between us.. Josef told me the other day " Wow... I would not be cool with my girlfriend going to clubs like that. " Or comments about all those " vice" girls or something. Just sort of when I get things rolling my ego gets kind of shot down in that way. It would be nice to have friends whose boyfriends are also djs and I wouldnt feel like things were so abnormal. I can deal with the girls most of the time, the partying and the alcohol. I jjust suppose when there isn't a compassion expressed to work things out that's when it all gets the worst. Lately I haven't really been understanding about it. It just hurts me a lot becuase it's this independent thing that has little baring on their personality or my love for them. I believe I have the practicality to figure it out. I just have to like... figure it out. Although he may have decided to leave me again. And I trust that anyone reading this , my most confidential of friends , would not let this have any baring on anyone' scharacter... it is very self-contained. I suppose conflicts are inherently circulatory and the goal is to work through that conflict. I think geoff gets really frustrated by that initial stage and just goes and does his own thing and I"m kind of left spinning. And totally confused and out of it. And angry, I suppose. I just get so upset when I've invested in so much. Music is going really well. I have to get this bridge for my synth, though. I actually thought you could record on this thing, but you can only program. Program the program. Or maybe you can record , I have no dman clue yet. It is very burzumy because it is synthy. That was sort of unintentional. I kind of need a partner in lyrics and vocals... genev is my saviour. Also oh yeah i already mentioned the zine. But I dunno if i will be able to get that done in the summer anymore. I wish these job people would let me know whats going on. I have had the worst luck with this stuff this summer, though I still haven't really kicked it into high gear yet. I'm a bit concerned for my health lately, as I got sick again last week. Each year I get sick more and more often. This shit is just annoying. I hate having any issue with the most foundational part of me-- my body, or my health. I feel like a failure with my condition. � know that is kind of retarded and dramatic and kind of ridiculous to think,b ut I can't help but feel it a bit. It makes me feel really emotionally shitty sometimes. C'est la vie I guess. I forget a saying I heard .... I heard it a few days ago, and I just remembered it now. Fuck, I wish I remmebered it. But it's about being tough. I think I heard it on television or somewhere ridiculous... or maybe my dad... shit. Who knows. ANyway it is about being tough and just taking things as they come and toughing it out. I think I can pull that outta me again. School is driving me nuts. 12:26 pm - 07.19.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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