vaneigem's Diaryland Diary

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YOU HAVE ALL SOLD YR MINDS

I recently picked up the old zine I made. Like this thing is just sitting in my folder and I'm always just like "OH THAT THING" but never actually think about what is in it. Well tonight I'm going to work on it again. A few years ago I got into some really exciting ideas, because the only thing I cared about was finding new stuff out. I find that I can pick up an article by Madeleine Gagnon that I worshipped when I was like 16 and now be like "Okay, yeah. But this is actually how it is..." Ideas are no longer grand master trophies to me, well, it's nice to have SOME and to have some heroes. I must.

So this article I did is prettty much about the phoneyness of intellectual copyrights. It's essentially the same thing that happens in hollywood. Ideas are marketed and people are consumed by this trademark (in both senses, really) idea. It's similar to the ready mades and that whole dadaist criticism. I think that is very relevant still.

And it's all a critcism of capitalism I guess. My take on things is pretty different now, but I still really agree with everything I say on the most foundational of levels. I just need to put it in a purely Western context. Capitalism in this country is retarded. Someone should just put that out there. It is outdated and corrupt. I'm talking at bare minimum the TYPE of capitalism right now , it makes really no sense even for the hugest of investors. I'm not even talking about progressive "speaking for the people"shit, I'm talking also from the interest of the 'elite.' I am obsessed with the dialectic and I really believe that's how shit has got to work. We are ready for another "synthesis" but the powers in this system have become so powerful and people so retarded that we are all just fucked.
How retarded is it that people still think men and women are on an equal playing field. Sometimes I wish I lived in the 70s whene verything was a lot more overt. Now we've got glossed over policies and cop-out disguises to make it seems like everyhtin gis going to be okay. That is a lie.. it makes everything invisible; a million times worse by proxy. I'm pretty confident that most people get it.

I thought I was always really mediocre, like I wouldn't dare standing up to some big shot academic because they CLEARLY have a lot more experience and knowledge than me. But really, no one has a fucking clue what they're talking about. I am a lot more confident in my "academic" abilities. I would gladly step in a room with Ann Coulter and deck it out. She intimidates through facts. She is incredibly smart and sneaky. So I owuld probably have to train myself for a couple weeks, but I'm pretty ocnfident I could figuratively pound that bitch to the ground. I also have the decency to not be a fuckbrain and take my political opinions into casual conversation or on a date or a family gathering. I'm not an annoying bitch that instigates debates. IVE GOT A MOTHA FUCKIN DIARYLAND FOR THAT, LOSERS. I want to talk about kittens and get wasted and then go set some roman candles off in my mouth. But if you ask me about it, I'm gonna tap on dat shit yo.

I also have another article, an email written from an anonymous man to myself. It concerns mainly what he did that day. This man is basically one of those guys that tries to seem super progressive and politically forward but only for the reason that he is going to get pussy out of it ,,like,, he uses his dick as a remote control. That would be cool actually, a picture of a guy infront of a tv holding his dick as if his dick were changing the channels. UHHH Yeah. The end of the email is liek "my mom is calling" and something about his stamp collection. Oh, he also talks about girl drummers giving good hand jobs. I can't really remember the last time I have given someone a handjob. Super fucking yawn though, yknow??? But I digress. The funny thing was that I was making fun of my boyfriend at the time through that email.

What got me into all this again though is how depressed I am , and I've finally figured out that a hefty portion of it , while there are many other factors, is because I haven't had a job for so long. Here, pretty much everything is measured on what kind of money you make and how, either directly or indirectly. That is just how things go. So no fucking wonder i'm depressed when I avoid being a consumer and everoyne is making it and Idont want any part in it. But I sort of got a job today, granted a temp job but perfect for my employment needs. LIke the world has ended becasue I took a year off 4th year to focus on school, but to be honest I think that was a big mistake. Don't do it. !!

YEAH so anyway. I've been sick since last Thursday but now it's just a leftover snotfest in my body, sorry to be graphic. I generally have my energy back. I went to a cottage last weekend and it was okay. B. made me all aggro because I drove to kton for nothing. like she was like pick me up! (a 45 minute drive) adn then when i get there it's like "nevermind, i'm taking my car because it would make more sense." i mean whatever but when you're sick on an early morning with nothing to eat that really made me aggr�. But then i had the car ride to chill out and listen to that first blonde redhead album that's good. We get up there and run into eric (in our respective cars) . Him and his gf amber went out looking for us cuz they though we had died or SOMETHing like that. whatever. We went to the place and i met m's new girlfriend. i dont like her at all. i find her controlling of matt and isn't very nice. she gets mad if he laughs too loud or something. maybe i am just biased because i am just being a stupid jel. i am being a huge jel and i'm pretty accepting of my jel-dom. I'M A JEL. there you have it. no i dont want to be nice to your new girlfriend and no i dont want to drive her high maintenance ass to wherever the fuck it is she lives. i have some hostility towards that whole thing but i suppose i'm equally to blame. and shes equally as jel of me. normalyl i would try to make someone new welcome but she didnt make an effort with me, so i didnt make an effor twith her.

i tried to get geoff to come ot this but he had to work. i also tried to get him to meet my parents on graduation but he had to work. he actually didnt and dint want to wake up for it. i also tried to get him to meet my mom the other day but he didnt get up for it. it's growing a bit humiliating and immature. you'd think there'd be a little level of like.. i don tknow if geoff was constantly asking me to meet his family and i was like " sure" and then not show up or mention anything, i'd start to feel A LITTLE bad. um. nad you know, im not a retard and can get a hint, i have asked flat out like if you arent ready to meet my parents it's totally cool. and it would be totally cool and save me a bit of nerves for myself, actually. but he insists he does. i dont really get it. like it's as if when people enter a relationship they lose all common sense. it's not even to the point where im mad about it anymore,, it actually really hurts my feelings to be treated with such ambivalence. you'd think if someone who cared about you, they'd express a bit of remorse for cancelling on your FAMILY. sometimes in this relationship it's like... hello???? is there anybody there? geoff is great. he is a good boyfriend most of the time. i just think he is really disorganized with his life and also takes me for granted sometimes. which i guess happens. i am willing to haev some tolerance level, and be understnading and but it's just carelessness. not even trying. that's when it's not cool or fair at all. i dont really understnad his type of treatment, because it's not benefitting anybody. if he thinks it benefits him he'll have to deal with me being pissed off which isn't the most pleasant thing in the world. im wasting my time thinking about it right now though. i'm kind of thinking about moving away. i really could, and it's tempting, ther eis no lease here. i could move in two months... volunteer at a school in a smaller city, do art and make zines and live like i did 5 years ago. i was really happy then too. im just sort of sick of being let down all the time. i dont even want to be around anybody. there's no sense of retreat here. this is getting really angsty and stupid.

jenny and i are going out . i feel kind of nauseous... im not sure why. gabe is the best the best the best and got me a job which involves the experience i am looking for. i am so grateful for him!!!

time to take my valium!!!

8:35 pm - 07.13.07

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