vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Light keeps me company I'm sitting by myself in my room listneing to the sound of the fan. The light is on in the hallway and it's bugging me. I have very little time lately to sit down and write journal entries but I'm trying to stay regular about it, much like physical exercise. I live a better chiller more forward-focussed life when I'm up on it. I was reading a book, by ingmar bergman, over the break. whoa like i am obsessed with him almost psychotically lately. He said "Failure can have a fresh and astringent taste, adversity stirs up aggression and shakes life into creativity which might otherwise remain dormant." I guess that's the point in terms of having a bright side whenever you feel like you just fucked up your whole life over something retarded you did or said. But I think this is a common way of thinking for most people. Jenny said this to me once. She likes turmoil and getting in arguments with her boyfriends because it keeps her on her toes. I think this is fucked. I want to find creative will in positivity, success, beauty, and "magic." I know that sounds really retarded and cheesy. But I never want to become cynical and corrupted. If I do, I guess I'd want to use it like in that quote. The real world is a shitty place. My sister thinks I'm in a dreamworld and she's right yo. I don't think there''s anything wrong with that as longas you aren't psycho and unable to distinguish reality from anything else. Maybe I'm just being retarded. But I like where I am and I can easily just step out of it when I have to. I always come back to my head though. I am connected to everyone by emotions and ideas. Otherwise, I really feel separated from a lot of stuff and people. I thought today about how having a true imagination to the maximum level is about acknowledging the limits of your own imagination. Bor-ing. I ate like crap today and feel crappy from it. Watched the Exorcist for the first time and keep looking over my shoulder to make sure linda blair isnt there stabbing herself with a crucifix. Once when I was 8 I read my mom's diary. It was hidden in her drawer of her old clothes from the 70s. She must have been about 16 and was dating my dad. She talked about sex and school and her annoying brothers and things like that. She mentioned about my dad's friends doing speed and a lot of it was how I pictured the 60s to be. Everyone doing drugs going out doing drugs having sex. My dad sounded like a jerk. SHe told me later he changed after they got married. He developed a temper she had never seen. Those two moments, when I read my mum's diary, and when she opened up to me about not realizing who my dad was, that's when the daughter-mother relationship ceased and I just saw her as a human being. A girl terrified of the exorcist and hates rootbeer and likes tennis and laughs a lot and whose vagina i came out of. That is fucking fucked. Cool, but fucked. It'll intensify as I grow older. I had a lot of fun last night. But something I really don't like is fights. A bunch of guys from american apparwel got in a fight on the street over some sort of romance-drama. What a privileged thing to fight over. It's funny to watch, right? It's kindergarden politics. People are bored. At least they can feel something. Whatever. It's boring to even talk about. They want the attention and the defense. Just yawn and walk away. Although, I could think of a few situations where I'd throw a punch. I'm feeling better but I think it'll just go back down again. I can depend on projects, music, light, and a few of my "loved ones." 3:16 am - 01.22.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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