vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Days Feeling kinda low lately. Weird things come up in my mind out of nowhere. It's a subconscious thing. It's retarded. Walked down Bloor today to go to the mall. I like the mall. Makes me feel good about myself. I get to look at a bunch of people and remember not to turn out that way. Comforting. There is a strip, pretty much all along Bloor, of bars. They all look the same. Guys getting drunk at 6am. Every morning, day, and night is the weekend. Smells like losers. They're calling your name--- "We're drinking Coors. Come on in. The lights are low and the losing's for free. Losers winning the loser game." Chuga lug, losers. Sometimes drinking really bums me out. I look around. Some people in my life do it over 3 times a week. I wonder if they'll be those people in the bars on Bloor street. There's a guy waiting outside the Travel shoppe on the corner of my house, nervously dropping and picking up his match book, over and over. He looks like a typical dad. He's waiting for drugs like the rest of them. Shaking in your booties over chemicals and plants... Hilarious. People obsessed with fitness are no different. I am really into being healthy and exercising lately. But when it totally consumes your life and thoughts... what a joke. That's survival. No shit you shouldn't eat cheeseburgers. I dont think anyone needs a pat on the back just cuz you worked out for an hour today. Big deal. Chained to the treadmill, controlled by ginseng-- hilarious. So privileged and trivial. It's easy to crticize, though. It's cool if that's your niche. Not mine. They're the people in the mall and the people in the bars. People who are funa nd can talk about other stuff but are still healthy are the primest of the premium sort.
On that note, working out makes me feel good. I feel like shit if I don't now. That's good-- I'm getting hooked. Eating fairly good except that cheesecake I ate a couple night ago. As expected. Need to get super healthy so I can have babies. I was diagnosed last year with something that might make it harder for me than you to have babies. Hasn't bummed me out yet too much. I'm sure it will later. I got a book about it, it's all about ways to counteract depression for some reason. I don't get depresssed. I get sad sometimes. Bruce Springsteen parties were all in the name of jock culture back in the 70s. I never liked him until I started listening earlier this year. But now I realize it's a real loser revival. Bruce Springsteen is old. I'm sick of revivals. I want to hear new shit that's happening now. Mika Mikko is good shit that is happening now. They are the new fucking Raincoats. I still like Phil Collins. Saves the day is pretty awesome. I'm just providing some frame of reference for easier judgment.
I want to do big things. It's that simple. I know I will do something huge. It might happen when I'm 25, 30, or 45, or something. I don't know through what medium. All I know is that I'm meant to make something big though that will influence people. Well, not meant, but it is something that I want at least. That's all. It is my measure for success. I am dissatisfied sometimes when I think about it. 98 on a test? It's just a silly test. I don't really think of things that way. I'm just trying to continue with the bumming tone of my diary entry. I don't know! Film?? Music?? The way my life is going, maybe it'll be music. Film you have to depend on a lot of people to make it. I don't like to depend on anybody. In life you can't depend on anyone. Maybe I'll be able to depend on a guy sometime. Geoff is the closest Ive been to depending on someone. Maybe Bernice more. Never completely though.
10:04 pm - 01.14.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||