vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's Alright Sometimes I feel that my life is in constant flux. I go through periods in which I wake up every morning with an awful nervous feeling like I am about to perform some scary concert. Ever since May last year I have dreamt of people doing horrible things to me. The dreams grow increasingly violent with each passing night. A couple weeks ago I had dinner with the person who has typically been the instigator. Some intangible force held me down to sit with them. I know very little about them. They sat across from me, wearing rollerskates, and started apologizing in a really cold, diplomatic manner. It was a tense moment, pretty much the climax of the series where I could have made peace and ended everyhting. Yet the only thing I could do was mockingly repeat the things they were saying, acting super passive aggressive and immature. Their proximity made me shake. Even the possibility of mere communication was futile. Each year I seem to learn a big life lesson that dominates my year. It's just a pattern that I have noticed upon reflection. Last year was loss.... the year before was illness... the year before that was devotion. The year of 2006 I have learned about the idea of trauma. An inescapable repeated violence that deeply affects the inner psyche no matter how much you try to avoid it. You can try to change or reinterpret what happened but it's just going to be the same thing repeated over and over. I will never make peace with that aspect in my life and how June 2005 happened. It will affect everything I do and has become a painful part of me. The sound of laughter of that night stepped out of my senses and into my heart. I know that sounds dramatic but it is the only adequate way to express it. My earliest memory constitutes being 5 years old in my bed through the crack of a door. I developed a clear understanding of physical violence and abuse. I had never felt so affected by something since then. The best revenge is success, morality, and respect. Whether it's gaining the self-discipline and determination to study hard and get somewhere beyond what you are given. That fear and coercion are best feigned by laughing at it right in the face. Or whether it's picking up and moving on without anything or anyone in the face of cruel betrayal and infidelity. The best revenge is success, morality, and respect. Dig the spirit; rise above. Make something of everything. To have hope in faith and love, it is horrible and magical 4:36 am - 01.14.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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