vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blood and milk This weekend was nutso, warming, and unsettling all at the same time. There are certain moments you know will stick in your head forever, like little defining moments that take up a large percentage of your memory capacity and daily frame of reference. Moments you keep sort of going back to do relate to things, ideas, or other people in your life. When someone talks about loss, you think about a particular thing that happened to you. Everyone has their own particulars. I gained two new ones this weekend and it's really been taking a toll on my mind. Kelly and Nick had their wedding. It was beautiful, and everything sort of hit me when I'm waiting to start walking down the aisle in a brides maid dress holding flowers. This was actually happening and holy shit it seemed like only yseterday we all were 16, skipping school, and smoking djarums behind the abadoned school yard. Now we're getting married and buying houses. It feels good. IT feels great and good. THat was a very positive moment for me and I dont even really know what exactly I was that I was feeling and the whole confusion of it forced me into tears watching Kelly and Nick togeth for the first time. They looked so happy. and then I looked to my right, saw my best friend watching proudly, and a bit further watching all the amazing men in my life who I hold onto cuz they're the only men Ive ever had any serious respect and feelings for without any expectation in return. To receive anything in return is another story. That was nice. That night Matt's girlfriend, after our whole thing, came over and they began fighting about something int he kitchen. I wait in the living room trying to keep myself busy by checking out my nails etc when bernice is getting ready int eh washroom. I don't feel it's any of my business so I try my best not to listen despite their raised voices. I start to hear Matt like I had never heard before. I heard him raise his voice so loud to the point where he got so upset and I could hear him crying. I have never heard any of my friends like that, or anyone like that in my life ever. I wanted to go in and like save him from all the shit he had to deal with that night and it upset me so much to hear him like that. I never knew he even had it inside him. Later, I sit in the kitchen and drink water and they're still fighting. HE is talking about intense things that she had done to him, serious lies that I would never even ... think anyone was capable of. I'm just sitting there thinking how much he deserves better and how he's hurting himself being in this. Things get quiet and I hear a door close. Matt comes walking in , his eyes are red and I am looking up at him at the table. I feel to say something since he must be embarrassed. Everyone heard what they were talking about. I asked if he was okay. He laughs like Matt does and looks for a drink, you know, bitches, you know. Laugh. Something in his face kind of stops and he just is standing in front of me and starts crying. I have never ever seen anything like it how intense that moment was. I got up and just hugged him and told him it would be okay. I told him he was smart. Cuz it's really all I was thinking. Everyone thinks hes just somecrazy party guy that is funny and does what he needs to do. But I know how smart he is and I coul dhear it when he was talking in the other room. It blew my mind how smart and level headed he was but he just hides it from everybody. He told me not to tell anyone that he had cried and I said I wouldn't. I won't. He kissed me on the cheek and said he loved me and I rubbed his back. We were like that for a good few minutes. I am glad I was able to be there for him. He needed someone to just , like , hold him and calm him down. It hurt me a lot to see that in one of my friends. I have never been in anything so intense with any of my friends. I have seen people cry, be upset, but never has someone shifted so much before. It is beyond seeing someone naked. We slept beside each other that night, with that other girl in another room. When we woke up it was as if daylight altered everything as if nothing had happened. Bernice woke up, JEsse came over, Matt and I looked at each other and I'm not even sure if he remembered what had happened. I don't know why it's taking such a toll on me. I just love him a lot and don't want him to be in anything like that. I know what it's like. That is not what anyone deserves , especially not him. The next day bernice siad we were in our own little bubble talking in the backseat of our car about our childhood. I look back on it with enchantment because it's the only thing I can do to ignore the trauma. There is no point to remember. I know from Matts history and relationship with his dad he feels the same way. YOu just have to look out a back window and remember laughing over childhood type of things and joking around rather than hiding terrified in a closet praying someone won't find you to get you. Nobody will get us if we have each other. Anyway, that moment with Matt is forever etched in both my future frame of reference and in my past. The words I used live nothing up to it. The only people who really know know are me and him. THat's something nobody can take away from us. Gots 'chother
3:27 pm - 11.22.06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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