vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- difficult times hey. so i guess i spoke a bit too soon with my last thing. i am in the process of diagnosis of a really serious chronic illness right now. i believe that i do have it, i have this sense of it in my body. i have felt like for the past 2 months not so much myserlf, like something foreign is happening. i dont want to release too much info about it. i guess id trust anyone reading this to not go all talking about it , though im sure that is even presumptuous for me to assume anyone would care enough, but yeah. and dont act all weird cuz its nothing contagious that you could catch from me. but basically it has left me extremely stressed-- hence fatigued, and irritable. i cannot concentrate on even the most mundane tasks of everyday life. luckily i decided to tell my mother tonight. she was so so supportive. she is coming with me this week to some things that i have to go to for it. i cant stress how much better i feel knowing she is supporting me. things with me and geoff havent been so hot. i have seen him for 3 hours maybe in the span of one week. he is really really busy so im trying not to do that big mistake of being too needy. but its difficult because im in a state where i need a bit of support but he just cant give that to me and made it very clear. i wanted to tell him, and asked for ten minutes of his time. because ive been acting weird lately. "well not tonight." he asked me what was wrong and i said it was seroius and didnt want to talk about it on the phone. he said he couldnt give that to me. he had to go dj. he said not to come, he doesnt want me to go. he doesnt like me going to his dj things for some reason. it really hurts me sometimes. he says its because he gets nervous and doesnt like it when friends go because then he feels like its his obligation to be more accomodating. sure didnt make too much sense to me. can understnad maybe being nervous about someone you have a crush on to see you dj but not really someone you have / hadan intimate relationship with. i am trying to be understanding but it is like understanding 1+1=39384. i think its becuase he doesnt want to be seen with me for a variety of reasons. i just kind of could use some support and maybe thats not good for me right now . geoff is awesome and i do love him. we hvae a lot of fun together when we are togeths. but i dont think he reall yunderstands. maybe im not being clear. he doesnt want to answer to anyone and it sucks that thats what he thinksa relationship is . sometimes i think he makes me up into this psycho evil girlfriend for asking to talk to him for like 10 minutes. its just something thats been upsetting me. i guess im old enough to not put it on my online diary but no one relaly reads this anyway. im just gladi have my mum. i might move to kingston later this year depending on how things work out. id like to finish my undergrad, though. anyway. anyway. night. 4:38 am - 09.12.06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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