vaneigem's Diaryland Diary

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green pastures.

I've been in belllville for the past two days or so to go to my grampa's wake and his funeral.

I finished my exam on Thursday, and got a phone call from my parents nearly after. they told me that my grampa died that morning. I cried for a long time after the phone. god i've felt so dead for the past 6 months. i haven't had time to talk to my family hardly, or be with my family, or think about my family and this really hit me so hard. my grandparents were a big part of my childhood and i assocaite so many things with them, and especially my grandfather. i've just felt so dead. i've been so sick, so stressed, depressed, so wrapped up in getting caught up with school lately. so sick of dealing with relationships i don't ened. i'm so fucking sick of surviving. i've felt like i've been caught up in the past and everything is so different lately. i feel like i'm in this constant dream 24/7 where nothing is familiar anymore. even the things i've held onto the most, the people who are your immortal heroes who were always there for you... they're actually human. when things move so fast all you get out of life are big blurs until you stop and see the big picture.

my sister and i went to the visitation yesterday. i had never been to a funeral before. it didn't really hit me that my grampa was gone until i saw all six of us in a room with my grampa resting behind us. it hit me right then. i started crying and everyone came over and hugged us. never did i realize then the support system my family has. i think sometimes i try to make it out to be dysfunctional, when that's mostly just b/w my father and i, but we're all really close and this crisis has really brought us together.
it was open casket because my grampa wanted us to see him. he has been sick for a long time and i've felt really bad about what he has had to go through. i think it was for the best, he's really been struggling and hasn't been able to walk around a lot. but he's always been one of the strongest people i've known... tonight before i left, my grandma told me about how proud he was of us, and how he would always be telling the relatives of his granddaughters' accomplishments. and how he loved us so much and just wished that he could make it until christmas. i know my grampa and he was always fucking fighting. he never let his health get in the way of what he wanted to do. maybe he decided to leave for christmas, so that we'd all have each other in the near future.

this has been really hard for me and i've been trying to deal with it. i've never had someone so close die. i cry a lot for my grandmother, it's been really hard to be strong for her but i held her hand throughout the whole funeral. she had been with my grandfather for about 50 years. she was pretty drugged up when i saw her the one day, but the second day she broke down when she was with my uncle and dad and they were looking down at him. i had to be strong for her and i held her hand and hugged her, but fuck was it hard. i think she dealt with it really well, and it was just her way of saying goodbye to her lover and bestfriend of over fifty years.
it's hard to believe that my grampa is gone. it was nice to get to see all my relatives and talk about him and share stories and actually learn a lot about his history. apparently last week he went out dancing and i'm glad he did that. it's going to be a change and i'm going to have to jsut deal iwth it, because my sister told me that's all you can really do. and i think when you cry, you're really just feeling bad for yourself. i'm glad my grampa doesn't have to suffer anymore. and if there is a heaven, i know who he is with. at times like these and how weird things work out... i really wonder and question what i believe in. i'm glad that he is at peace now, and that he died in his sleep after having his favourite dinner ever. i'm really happy about that. i'm worreid for my grandmother but i'm going to really be there for her. i need to stay strong for her and my family and get through this. i can't let this depress me, because i know my grampa would have hated that.

best thing ever was when he came to my graduation to see me even though he had an oxygen tank, him seeing me get scholarships, i thanked him for coming and he told me that he wouldn't have missed it for the world. him playing with me when i was young, hugging when we left his house, fighting for the biggest slice of pie, his smile when he saw babies, and laughing when he saw my cat, and his love for crossword puzzels, and telling him that i loved him for the first time quite recently. i'm really glad i told him that. i'm glad he could see my little cousins, and take us on trips to vermont, and how he took us horseback riding in the mountains even though it was hard for him to do that. his great ability to moderate things, and be always the calm and cool man in discussions, and have a really intelligent, opinionated, and dignified way of saying things.

i got to spend some alone time with my grampa and i got to touch his hand and say goodbye to him. he looked really good, strong, and crisp in his suit and i'm glad because my nana told me he always thought it was most important to look sharp and crisp and well put together. he looked damn good and proud of his life. i know he had been through a lot, and was raised by a single mother in a working class family. but looking at everyone, and seeing all the people who came to see him in these past two days, all the family and friends surrounding him, we all know how fucking amazing he was and is. if anything, i'm really glad it ended this way, and at a time when we could all be there for each other. i'll miss his presence a lot, but he'll always be there, and i have memories forever.

at the funeral, scott, sean, and blair spoke. they were all great speeches and it was so emotional. my grandmother was so strong through the whole thing. even at one point she smiled and nodded her head. i know this had to happen at some point, and it's hard, but fuck. you know i'm glad this happeend when we could all support each other, and my grandfather had a really peaceful ending to his life. i hope i'll end up as good as a person as he was, always dropping anything to support anyone he cared about. he had such a big heart and that's what did him in in the end, i think.

i think he used that big heart of his too too much, and one night it just couldn't keep up with him anymore.

i love that man so much, i remember his kisses and his hugs.
he gave me this ring when i was around 8 years old when we went to florida. he gave me some money to take with me, and told me to buy anything i wanted. i chose this ring with two hearts on it, and brought it back to show him. he loved it and said he would've chosen the very same thing. i found it last night, i had always kept it because i knew that if this happened, i would have this ring with me forever. i'm really glad i found it and i haven't decided what i'm going to do with it yet, but something nice i think.

it's hard to move on and get in the regular way of things again, i think it'll take a bit of time. it's hard to be here in toronto away from family. i'm eager to come home and see everyone again. i think i'm going to move forward and stick a lot closer with the rest of my family from now on. now i need to relax and just enjoy myself, and think of happy things and happy moments and be happy for my grampa for finally being able to rest now.

11:37 pm - 12.11.04

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