vaneigem's Diaryland
Diary
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
never shower
today i had a nap and had THEEEE weirdest dream about one of my friends. one of my best friends who was cool with me and chose NOT to spend our lunches talking about boys or lucas' hot pants (though it WAS mentioned..). i don't know why i dreamt this, but i guess maybe cuz of the recent nostalgia. oh man. so somehow i remember speaking with this friend, and she said she had finally fallen in love with someone and i asked her who, guessed all these guys. she says no, and says that it was me and tries to kiss me. for some reason i get up and leave and tell her i'll be back. i have to climb something and then come down and retrieve it before i can kiss her. and i remmeber climbing that thing, all i wanted to do was run down and makeout with the dude. it's the weirdest fucking thing and it's really affected how i look at her in real life. what's with my dreams and sex and making out and making existing situations really awkward for myself? fuck. all i wanted to do was make out with my friend. maybe i'm secretly a lesbian or something if you wanted to work in static binaries, fucked if i know, but now that i think about it, i woudl totally make out with this girl in a second and no doubt it'd be hot. this would probably never happen though, but fuck yeah.
i think it's best to NOT keep yourself in something when it gets to the point of just being exhaustingly stressful as a whole despite casual departures from that. i'm not too sure what to do but i think things are the worst at this point in my life, and why not make it all come down at once rather than making my life even harder in acouple months when it's probably going to happen inevitably anyway. i think a lot of the time i get lost in shit and, like i said, get in the swing of the speed. sometimes i just don't think rationally or think of how things could be different and different possibilities for me out there.
there's something ihave to do, when i'm young at least, who i have to be with.
i'm not sure if it would ever happen. but this feeling has been with me since i was 15 probably, and i don't know. it's one of those things i have to keep looking back at. i've thought about it rationally and i don't think it's going to be there for me if i leave it for too long. i'm worried about sticking with something i'm not very happy in and looking at it back with regret, wishing i didn't put so much time into something that i've always been questionable about. i suppose that could be potentially said for the other side, but i really have to pursue it in order to find out. otherwise i'll always be wondering. similar to how you have to know both sides to know an entire argument. i just think about it all the time and it's always been there. i think it's going to be really hard for me to get over what i have had, but fuck. i've gotten over enough already, this is another pack to the pile.
i've had a rough year, may as well make it the roughest. and perhaps the beginning of the best.
usually i don't really know where i am most of the time. it's hard for me to be in toronto sometimes because there's just so many people. i can't just look at someone as a body walking past me. i wnat to know who they are and what they just did and i wonder what their worries are and shit like that. i don't know why i do it to myself and it's fucking straining and probably the lamest thing you've ever heard.
i don't feel i really relate to anyone in toronto except for probably my sister. everyone is into these___ artists, these___ sneakers, this___ music, likes going out, is cool, fun, awesome, amazing, blablha. i'm so fucking sick of it. i'm so not on par with this crap. at times i feel like i'm totally above the level, at others i feel i'm just totally below it. i can't appreciate much that comes out of consumerism, even though it may make me look nicer than i normally owuld, provide me with something to do (just as candy is just something to eat), and generalyl provide me with something to talk to about with people. wow this album is amazing. wow this artist rules. wow this video game is so old skool, i am really hooking up to my roots, we are really 90s. this food is amazing, let's spectacularize everyhting a littl emore. i hate to be an overly critical pain in the ass, those uber leftwing people who complain about mcworld and its mcpeople (how cheesy/counterproductive), but i really can't stand it. this obsession is on par with the uber leftwing, with the ultra boring. i miss my best friend and her fucking fascination for the simple things. not getting excited about a record and how it can add a new obscurity to her fucking collection.
i'm so sick of a lot of shit and i thi'nk i've been disconnecting myself from my roots in the past year or two. i don't know wahti've been doing.
i'm glad i've gone to school here most of the time, but i wish i could go home more and see my friends more.
its sad to see who has bought out to new way of things and forgotten where they came from. my roommate were talking a lot about how much drugs hvae fucked our friends up, and it's true, but it's not just drugs. it's shit like engineering programs, boyfriends, boredom, coors lite beer, too many shiny battered up clubs meant for singles on saturday nights.
i can't wait to be wherever i wnat. i'm excited with myself and i think i'm taking a good step forward. it's hard to let go of things that you loved, but eventually it turns the other way around i think.
2:20 am - 12.13.04
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
previous - next
|
|
|
|
|
|