vaneigem's Diaryland Diary

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WELCOME BACK, HUSSEIN.

this isn't so bad as i thought it would be.

i have had a rough couple of days because of leaving toronto.
it's all basically that geoff and i are having a rough time being apart. we miss each other a lot (even after me being gone for only 2 days) and it was hard to say goodbye. i don't know WHAT the fuck i am going to do when we have to leave each other for four(4) months, but damn. at least summer means me being able to drive to ptbo. i hate driving in the winter... driving, the winter and cliffs, that is

i finished my last exam on tuesday night, and i went home on friday night because i worked on saturday morning. i had soo much to get done and i wasn't even able to get it all done. i wish i left a little more time for myself, but.... when you need money, you need money.

i spent the night before with geoff. he failed to tell me that the cleaning ladies just come PARADING into people's rooms in the morning. haha. they just clean the bathrooms i guess, but for some reason, at 9am, i opened my eyes to a cleaning lady peaking around the corner. THANK GOD i had a sheet over me. OH HI FREAK-ME-OUT. we finally got up and had lunch at about noon and there were like 4 cleaning ladies on his floor when we left and i just sort of avoided eye contact. i can't remember whether she saw my boobs or not??

lunch was BOUGHT FOR ME and i had ALL I COULD EAT. literally.

then i went home to do last minute things, clean my fridge, do recycling, move my computer, all those last chores i had to do before leaving. geoff was coming over to help me take my luggage to union station. i actually didn't really need help, i've lugged that shit around enough to be USED to it, i just wanted to see his face the last moment possible.
he handed me a letter and it looked like he was going to cry. i opened it up and there was a drawing for me and this long letter. i had to turn the other way because i was going to cry. we walked to the elevator and he just had this look on his face that i had never seen.

i don't relaly like to talk about these things very much but it's a little hard to avoid when it's this good. it's a little hard to avoid the fact that you think you have finally found someone who you think could be your soulmate. we are just very much in love and it has been difficult for the both of us. standing in line and leaving him to go on the train, i started to cry and read his letter and cried more. i never imagined myself to ever behave in such a ridiculous, unstable manner. but i think it's more the fact that i feel very stable. i feel very stable in toronto and i love my life there.

coming home was too weird.
the smell of these rooms, the feel of these floors, the sounds of these mundane conversations, etc etc. i don't belong here. this is where i grew up, and this was my battlefield. it's over. i don't want to play again. unfortunately, i'm bound to it by blood. i know it's a horrible thing to say, but i can't change how i feel. there are some good things about this place, but it's time for ME to be the boss. it's time for ME to start MY OWN environment and plant MY OWN seeds. i thought i kind of started that in toronto. i am really eager to grow up and live on my own, and to be a kid forever. i remember wanting that since i was thirteen, and not for those immature "i want to stay up however late i want!!" kind of reasons. i got by really well. all of this is just the past, it feels pointless to come back when i'm just going to leave again.
but, i mean, the good things i have here are my mom, my cat, meghan, my other friends, my back yard, my grandfather, the forest, stars, etc. they're all worth seeing some sort of significance in this place. coming back really made me think of my childhood.
i'm not sure if i have mentioned it here, but i know with g i have discussed it, and how different i feel now. he says that for him, he feels kind of the same. he gets fed and lives with a thousand other annoying teenagers still stuck in highschoolmode. i guess it's not the same as how i live.
this is just all too weird. makes me wonder what my childhood was about. i kind of remember just struggling through it, being terrified, having a lot of fun, etc etc. i created a lot of the good things for myself, and it seems that all the bad things that came along with it were pressed on by other people. i want to reconstruct my childhood and it is for that reason that i don't think many of us should ever leave that phase.
i thought being a child was about being free.
i worried far too much.
right now, i have never felt so free. all that crap truly feels like a matter of the past now.
it's great. but coming back is confusing.

so i guess it's good for me to stay away from boys right now. my goals are to get both caught up &a teensy bit ahead in school, draw, read some from the books i got for my birthday, and start my zine. i spent 3 hours in the library photocopying things for it (we have amazing books.), and i forgot them all in toronto. so i can only write right now. but i'm contemplating actually completing my 14%-done comic book instead. i rented out schneemann and emin books. it'll be good to have some time for myself i think.

so i went back to work on saturday, and it wasn't a nightmare at all. i remember everything and i haven't lost my touch <3. the regulars are still coming back which is (dis?)comforting, there are a lot more awkward teenaged boy co-workers, and i love them all, adn they love me all back. jimmy is my favourite cuz he is just such an airhead and should be on an abercrombie and finch fitch whatever commercial. i feel sorry for mario, everyone hates him cuz he is a little slow but i think his niceness makes up for it. he is such a sweetie pie, i want to pinch his cheeks. i have weird taste in character. the first couple of hours, i had to get back into customer-worker mode. you are so famous when you are a worker. everyone is running up to you asking you things, you've got it all, you know the special places, you have the secret codes and special keys, you get into all that confidential paperwork adn YOU can't see it. now give me your money or i'll kick you out of my store. in a way, it is glorious. some retailers think working is hell, but relaly, they are just handling things in their head very, very poorly. i think of getting a shitty bitch customer as making my day a little more interesting and i think of it as a challenge to not get them to blow up at me. and they never have, so i think i am very successful at it. i can be so so fucking polite. it's such fucking bullshit. i love it. it's powerful.

i talked to meghan about cam tonight and i don't think she gets what i'm saying. i was explaining to her about my thing, just that we really need to get over ridiculous things and just basically APPRECIATE and she was like "yeah. what happened made me wish i had the answers." and UGH. that's not what i mean AT ALL. i don't CARE about the answers. i don't WANT the answers. i love mysteries. i create my own answeres. there isn't enough time to find them, and they probably aren't even anywhere. it's bullshit to kepe us distracted.

these next two days i have OFF. NOTHING. i don't know WHAT to do with myself! i am going to do these things tomorrow:
- rent a couple movies. some really nice cozy childhood ones. <3 (speaking of which, i saw the rapture on david letterman a few weeks ago and the lead singer looks fucking EXACTLY like WILLY WONKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! serious. it's uncanny.)
- draw (maybe my mother vs xy!??)
- maybe go xmas shopping and go to some thrift stores if weather is not shitty.
- make pillows and pillow covers
- relax. sleep, read, smile, sit, spend time with cat.
- start a painting if i get an idea!!! god!!!

WOW OMGOMGOMOGMG LMAO LOLLOLOLOOMGOMGOMG

i have seen a couple teachers since being home, just some that have come into my work. i'm thinking of creative thigns to say to "how are you?? how areyou liking school?" i think i'm going to start saying that i really hate it and that i attempted suicide last month.
i just really hate those conversations, and i know the feeling is reciprocal, so why do we strike them? i know i strike them sometimes. let's cut each other some slack.

adn then some of those casual friends that you were associated with as "this girl who i take the bus with" or "this girl whose firends with a friend of a friend who dated my ex-boyfriend" kidn of thing. we just sort of curiously glare at one another and part without a word spoken.

i accidentally deleted, like, all of my mp3s here. that's ok. good thing i brought a lot of music home.

time off is good.
my anthro exam went sooo well on the bio part, i knew like every fucking question. it was glorious. but i don't like my hot archaeology professor anymore, he made his section super hard and i think i'll just do "ok" on the exam because of that. ... but it's my own fault for not doing the readings though. ha. i'll never see that guy again anyway. SEE YOU LATER SIGGERS.

i'm excited for xmas!! YAY!!
and is it bad that coca cola reminds me of vodka????

so, it's time to go. time to go.
time to relax <3

10:45 pm - 12.14.03

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