vaneigem's Diaryland Diary

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you always were a mystery

music: new order, "true faith"

this song and depeche mode's enjoy the silence bring back to me the most amazing memories fucking ever.
i was just playing through all this music on my computer and this happened to come on. i don't know about other people, but there are a few songs out there that remind me of certain things and this song is the one that reminds me of the craziest, loveliest, most important thing to me right now. it's weird how everything seems to happen to me at once.
dead milkmen remind me of charles and backyard wrestling and summers driving with the windows down.
black flag remind me of jeremy, bryn, and bernice.
sonic youth remind me of jesse.
fugazi reminds me of andre.
napalm death and slayer and the melvins remind me of davvvve.
bikini kill reminds me of being 14 and writing for kendra's zine.
cheesy dance music reminds me of sitting on danielle's roof, drinking one beer, stolen from her parents. i go through periods of my life where i have this long stretch of non-change, and then boom, everything and everyone is different. i could honestly separate my life out into different eras and associate a soundtrack to each one. it's like i move on and then everyone just sort of stays there, rarely do we ever move together.
probably my most cherished times were with bernice. it's too weird to go back to her. i feel weird not talking to her anymore. it's just not the same anymore. i lived it, i moved on. when we talk, it's like going back to that past relationship and i'm not that person anymore. she was probably the most important thing to me growing up and i love her. god i love her. i always will.

so. i love my life, i have always loved my life. just looking back at everything, i'm so fucking happy with who i am and the decisions i have made, even though some may have been shitty. i have some of the most beautiful memories, i like the fact that no one will ever know them except for me. sure i could and do explain them, but the feelings and visions of them can never escape my head. i don't really want them to.

i just got back from my political science exam. it ain't so bad. i have a sociology exam tomorrow so i have to go study for that soon. i figure sociology is a lose-lose situation, so i'm not going to worry that much about it.

yesterday was rough. it was just rough in itself having two exams on my shoulders.

then marcelle phoned me from montreal. i was really happy to hear from her. well it wasn't a good phone call.
there was this guy named cody that we were friends with. i went to school with him since grade 1. he always drew comics and looked like a cute little marshmallow (except an attractive one). cody was such a cutie. well one night in grade 11, my dad got called out to take photos at a car accident. the next day i found out cody was the one in that car accident. our other friend cameron was in the passenger seat. he woke up to cody dead beside him. cody was his best friend. at cody's funeral, i never cried so much in my life. cam used to always come up to me and say "jamie-lynnnnn" and stand tehre and smile cuz he never had anything else to say to me haha. and i said "cameron-lynnnn" and then that went around in circles until it got old, and then it was repeated the next day. after cody's accident, cam was never the same. he spoke out about it once in one of my religion classes, and he stopped mid-sentence, burst out crying and never came back to class.
he had a really rough time with it
so marcelle phoned me yesterday to tell me that cam got in another car accident with his girlfirend on friday night. he died on sunday morning.
i was never that close to him, but he was always this quiet mysterious person that i wanted to get to know better.
he was one of the guys furthest away from being an asshole jock, and NEVER gave into high school bullshitdom. i respected him for it.

i don't really know what i believe in, but it's a little too weird to me for this to not have some other meaning of some sort... well... cam was always mysterious like that. i just have his face in my head, he's in some of those really happy memories that i have.. and for that, i love him.
my friends are all really shocked right now. it hasn't really hit me yet. i have found myself just thinking about him out of nowhere in this blank-eyed sort of way.
on sunday i cried a lot.
i didn't know cam SUPER well, so that in itself is not something i'm completely devastated over.
it just makes me think about how that sort of thing can happen to anyone when you least expect it.
what would i do if i lost meghan? michelle? it just makes me fucking cry.
and there i was, worrying about my fucking exams.
and here i am, ALIVE, i have my arms and my legs and i can swallow just fine, and i can breathe just fine, i can talk and sing and laugh and dance and eat and smile.
god.
we really all need to get over it.

7:11 pm - 12.01.03

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