vaneigem's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

LOCK THOSE CAPS BABY BABY LOCK DEM GOOOOD

music: ciboooo matttooooo, "birthday cake", voted cutest song ever

i love blood

and yeah for yr inforrrrmaccccione, i FOUND the fakes somewhere finally! hey now hey

QU� BELLEZA!!!!!

at my residence i would like to take it upon myself to organize EATING CONTESTS
i think it would be a massive wicked turnout, cuz baby, the best kind of foods are the free kinds. (well, not really at all actually, but i like the ring to it)

we are being paranoid at this point, as we stole a loveseat from the music room
currently we are holding two chairs and two loveseats, when really, we are only supposed to have like one loveseat and one chair.
we attempted to nonchalantly carry this big furniture thing all around the floor to get it into our apt.
we just told everyone that "john said it was ok" SHHH BUT "JOHN" DOES NOT EXIST. SUCKERS.
anyway, my r.a. was kind of huffy to me today and we think they know we stole the couch but are waiting for us to confess. we keep our door and our blinds shut. NO ONE CAN TAKE MY LOVESEAT AWAY FROM ME.
i bet those acoustic guitar fuckers turned us in

ANYWAYS.

i currently feel like everything is going perfectly well in my life. i am learning quite a bit about a variety of things, issues, feelings, blahblah. i feel a million times more on top of things and i am coming to terms with the fact that every morning i step onto torontonian grounds, my second home, not some place that i am temporarily visiting. i do enjoy some aspects of university and the things i am learning. however. i have a problem with teh way things operate here and i don't agree with... pretty much everything about it. i just like learning about new ideas and i guess if that's what makes me a nerd, then god damn it, let it be known: IM A NERD. i'm not sure where i'm going in life at this point. i look at university and, well, it's not really a pleasant environment.
i'd say my passion in life based on my experience thus far has been film. i would love to just work on documentaries for the rest of my life.
so yeah i have basically been thinking about leaving university to go to college for film. but i've decided that i'll finish the next 3 years and then see if i still feel the same way.

i just know for a fact that people get their fucking b.a. then their masters blahblahblh and then end up working at a fucking bank or something. a good, awesome job to me is doing something creative and putting new ideas out there. not sitting in some office, hidden within the depths of empty cities, hidden from everything else out there.

whatever

last night i was up until 3am thinking about getting realllllll intimate iwth emmy pantin. it's true. ok, not really. the deal is, the walls here are paper thin (GOD YES IT IS TRUE). and a group of drunk girls in the foyer took it upon themselves to cacklecacklecackle, waking me up up up. i then opened my window and yelled at them to shut up. "*cackle cackle* who said that?! eeeheheeee i don't see anyone!!!" YEAH IT WAS ME. UP HERE. ON THE 7TH FLOOR. PLS SHUT UP.
so whatever. it was kind of funny because then they threw a pylon in the fountain and i was all for that????????
then my roommates and i got up and gathered around the kitchen and told embarrassing kindergarten stories until 4am. i felt drunk. maybe i was??????????????
you don't need to know these stories.

back to emmy pantin though, i heard somewhere that she lives in TORONTO and i think this si VERRRRRY INTERESTING
i saw a short film the other night and SHE was in it. i thought she was like THIRTY. she is like EIGHTEEN. she wrote this amazing fucking article in this one zine that has been stuck in my head ever since i have read it. and apparently other people enjoyed it too cuz it's currently being studied at university level courses. and it was just published in some punk zine she did with her friends. i think she's my age and she started writing for venus mag when she was TWELVE (she is brilliant)

today i heard from bennybenben white for the first time in two million years, approximately. "I STILL LOVE YOU, YOU KNOW THAT?!?"
and RYANNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RYANNN RYANNNN. RAY RAY.
there. i mentioned you.

STACKS IN MY HEAD STACKS IN MY HEAD
i spent four hours library hopping today, frantically picking up the scraps from what is left for my politics topic. one of the holds i made has a 6 week wait. holy fuck man. overall, i got a taste of those libraries. the new college girl was mean, but they have some rad books there. don't depend on me coming back to get THAT. i think i am going to one of those corporate bookstores tomorrow to look at potential books for ma papea. i am also treating myself to perhaps some material types of things, and an (ugh) answering machine.

yes. all these years putting the MAJOR hate on answering machines, all these years contributing to all those blank messages, i have decided to GIVE THE HATE BACK. i'm never home and it's not that good since toronto seems to be all about leaving things on yr machine

i am looking to volunteer for certain things and i'm going to find some things to get involved in. either the women's centre or planned parenthood or some stuff like that. i missed a conference on abilities on the first and i'm kicking myslef for that. i don't know. i'm just getting to the point where i feel stronger and stronger about certain things and you can only go so far until you just HAVE to act on it. i feel like it's not only a WASTE for me to feel strongly about these issues that often go unrecognized and not do anything constructive about them, but it's also basically WRONG for me to do nothing about them

i've had a tough couple of weeks.
i think there are certain taboos in our society that are really destructive and harmful to a lot of people. and i know they will always exist to some extent and it sucks. and it especially sucks when those things directly affect you, or you have had them happen to you, or almost had happen to you, and now you can fully externalize your own experiences and maybe have dealt with an experience you may have actually physically have gone through but to have been faced with something so traumatizing... i don't know. it's not traumatizing in itself but it's how everything is structurally set up around it that it's just this overwhelming issue and you don't know how to react to it. it's about our denial of our own differences and our refusal to embrace them
and it's about crying for no reason because maybe you feel like shit for having almost gone through it, and maybe you cry more because you can't talk to it with anyone because it IS a taboo and is harmful to other's perceptions of you
it's alienating for me and it's alienating for you
we're constantly pointing the finger at so many people or using certain language at the enjoyment of being politically incorrect, while we ignore the implications of those actions or comments and how it may be alienating other people and making other people feel like shit
when it comes down to it, it's a lack of externalizing yourself and embracing things that are different from you
it's very kindergarten politics
i choose to not be defined by my own experience
share your toys

not that i don't do any of that shit cuz i do and nobody is perfect but i guess i'm just trying to work that on myself

and it pisses me off the amount of things i was never taught. the amount of things no one ever told me about that are really important to my own life. the issues that girls aren't taught because of all these taboos i was talking about earlier. controversy or not, it still exists and it's still something we all have to face as a possibility of happening to us, thus something that needs to be addressed

i'm sorry that i can't give specific examples but this isn't where i plan to get over what i had been going through because this isn't safe and it can't be honest when there's selective writing involved.

anyway

i appreciate everything and everyone twice as much
i have been awake for a long time.
i get to finish my paper tomorrow.
xo

10:42 am - 11.04.03

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next