vaneigem's Diaryland Diary

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IF YOU FEEL THE APPEAL.

music: inc, abolish work

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW AMAZINGLY HAPPY I AM
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY

IT IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY &LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL
SMILE, EVEN IF IT MEANS IMAGINING YOURSELF IN CERTAIN LIFE DEVASTATING POSITIONS JUST TO GET TO THAT.

i have been fucking INSANELY stressed for over the past week.
you do NOT want to know what over
very very very stupid mistake that WILL NEVER EVER HAPPEN AGAIN, EVER

I WANT TO THANK EVERYTHING FOR NO APPARENT REASON
THANK YOU JOANNE. THANK YOU ALICE. THANK YOU EMILY. I LV U.

LIKE, THANK YOU TO THIS QUARTER SITTING BESIDE ME. THANKS FOR BEING YOU, QUARTER. THANKS FOR THE GUM LEFT IN MY PACKET OF DENTYNE INTENSE(<3). THANKS FOR THE INVENTION OF KEYS, THAT LET YOU GET INTO DOORS AND STUFFS. THANKS FOR DEVO. THANKS FOR MOZZARELLA. THANKS FOR ARTYOM KRISTOPHER <3. THANKS FOR PUMPKINS AND PARTIES.
I ALSO THANKED MY BEAUTIFUL HONEYSWEET GEOFF TODAY. HIS SQUEEZES ARE SO WHAT I NEEDED IN MY PRE-JULY03 LIFE.

i apologize to anyone who has contact me/i have contacted in this past week.
if this is the case for you, i was in a stage of some SERIOUS mental freakout (never in my life this drastic) but i have tried to stay really calm and that didn't agree well with me, and i just drained myself out from that seemingly neverending battttttleeee.

i was very stupid but had to come to terms with that. and i have. i am prepared to live up to my mistakes, and now it is time to learn from this one.

I AM JUST FUCKING LUCKY, THAT'S ALL. OR IT WAS THE LORD SAVIOUR JESUS GOD'S LIGHT PERHAPS IF YOU ARE INTO THAT, NO?

I REALLY ADVISE ANYONE/EVERYONE TO COME OVER HERE TONIGHT AND I WILL KISS YOUR SWEET FACE, NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE &WHO YR POPPA IS, AND I WILL THANK YOU AND LOVE YOU AND FEED YOU BROWNIES AND CREAM SODA, OR LEFT OVER EMPANADAS/QUESADILLAS (SP?!) AND WINE OR MORE SOPHISTICATED AND/OR GHETTO DRINKS IF YOU CARE TO CONSUME THOSE.

ahhhhhhhh
ok.

i don't remember much of what has been going on. as you can tell, i have been out of it for the past week and today i found out whether i should've been or not. and it turns out that everything is ok and this was certainly a learning experience, one that i needed i think.
i really am amazingly happy. everything in my life is so great right now. it always has been, but the shitty thing is that we all kind of take that for granted, it all seems routinely circulated and regurgitated in the "banalities" of everyday life. the shitty thing, as i was saying, is that you often have to go through deconstruction in order to begin reconstruction. and personal deconstruction is fucking terrifying.
i think that's sort of what happened to me. it was very scary and the point is the "lesson", as grade four and lame as that is to say
i definitely want to do a few things and i have a total new appreciation/respect for a few other things (vague! yeah)
maybe some time i will talk about what happened in here, but for now i'm somewhat uncomfortable with it.

everything is so good
i can't stop smiling
so many people, look so glum, i wonder what their problems are and i want to kiss their cheeks

i don't like any of geoff's friends (except for leeeeeeee!!)
i met some dan or darryl or some "d" name guy today and i thought he was a fucking jerk
we did NOT mix well hahah
i got an extremely bad vibe from this dude and judging from what he does, he sounds like a pretty shitty character
hey buddy go play the strokes on yr acoustic guitar and then go brag to girls about yr awesome band?
there are certain boys in this world who just seem really slimey and into that total power aggression bullshit
AND
let this be a lesson to the world. don't talk to me without respect, or try to make me feel subordinate. i will cut yr head off. seriously. i don't let people mess me around. i have been messed around with enough in my life to know that i don't like it and will not tolerate it. i have control over myself and i have the power to manipulate my own situations therefore i will take action to do so. yeah thanks. i almost snapped his head off but was forced to control myself as he is g's friend i guess i ahve to respect that ha
grrr
P.S. WHILE I AM ON THE ISSUE OF SUBORDINATION. PLEASE STUFF THAT "AWW GEOFF'S LITTLE GIRLFRIEND" TREATMENT SHIT UP YR FUCKING THROAT, YOU HAVE NO IDEA
I HAVE A NAME, I AM MY OWN IDENTITY. I AM NOT RELATIVE TO MY "PHYSICAL COUNTERPARTS", AS YOU TREAT THEM
I'M SICK OF TRYING TO WORK AGAINST PATRIARCHAL PERCEPTIONS OF RELATIONSHIPS (STRESS--> PERRRRCEPTIONS OF THEM.)
AND I'M SICK OF PERCEPTIONS OF THE PSEUDO-FEMINIST RELATIONSHIP OF FEMALE OVER MALE
WE ARE IN LOVVVVVVVVE, THAT SHIT IS EQUAL
IT HONESTLY MAKES ME SICK. TO THE POINT THAT I DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE.
I AM EMBARRASSED FOR THIS WORLD TO HAVE EVEN MENTIONED IT &THANK YOU.

AND ALSO,
WHILE I AM ON SUCH TOPICS
I AM NOT "MICHELLE'S SISTER". DON'T CALL ME THAT.
IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER MY NAME, LIKE I GIVE A FUCK. I PROBABLY DON'T REMEMBER YOURS.
BUT AT LEAST ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I HAVE ONE AND ASK ME IF YR GONNA BRING THAT SHIT UP.

UGH IF I HAD A "PET PEEVE", THESE TWO THINGS WOULD BE ITTTTTTTTTTT
BEING DEFINED BY THE PEOPLE I AM ASSOCIATED WITH UGH UGHUGH

i think i have a good judge of character. i gots good friends.

did you miss me?!?!?!?!? yes?!?!?!!!!!!!!!! YES

i miss my friends from blvl. i saw this super out-there jacket in kensington today that reminded me of bernice and i a la 15 years old, and it just made me completely TEAR UP. honey cakes. baby cakes.
i have been trying to find laura's email address and jesse's. it's weird to turn all my old "real" relationships into "internet" ones. it's quite deceiving.
taylor, for example, is the worst person alive on the internet, but the best person alive in real touching life.

saw a MADONNA '87 SHIRT TODAY that i just really would love to have in my life. i may get it. someday. some day.
saw another shirt that says I AM A SLUT and i think i was liking that shit.
speaking of sluts. today is halloween. is it just me, or are there fairies fucking everywhere?! it's a doomed halloween for me, as i have been so fucking fucked this past week that i didn't give a fucking fuck about a fucking costume. pardon the fucks, i was on a roll. so yeahhhh. it would be fun to go the rocky horror thing, with a group of exciting fun crazy girls (i love exciting fun crazy girls. i love them.) and dress up as.. well.. SLUTS.
fucking awesome. but, i am spending quality time inside with a loved one
IF i could have any costume, i would steal charles' pee wee herman one <3333333333333333

we roommates and i had a party / house event thing last night for the people here
it's basically a promotional thing haha. it's supposed to say "we do lots of things for the residence because we love living here, we are generous nice people who like to cook you food and give you drinks [and please let us in next year]" (that's how it works here. people have to LOVE you if you wanna get back in next year)
it was a hit, almost everyone came. we made the most delicious food and therefore had the most delicious leftovers.
my don is so dreamy
his eyes are fucking the worst torture in my life
i turned ian into a pirate

i saw the most amazing film in the world ever last week. i even went to see it twice, and i never do that.
the film is called the weather underground. it's a documentary about a small anti-capitalist "terrorist" violent action group in the '60s called the weathermen underground, inspired by the bob dylan line "you don't need a weather man to know which way the wind blows"
their goal was to overthrow the state, or something to that effect, as they all are haha
it was excellent. i foudn the documentary impressive and interesting. bernadine dohrn is such a babe
she is so hot when she talks the revolution talk. this woman was seriously awesome and hardcore
i also think mark rudd when he was younger was really really fucking hot
i may or may not agree with the movement, i don't feel like getting into it cuz it's complicated, because generally i do and i think it's fucking awesome, but some of the things later on into the movement i wasn't too into. but moving on, i've just mentioned it to say that i dig it
so if anyone gets a chance to see this film, GO SEE IT

i feel like such an asshole talking about good films
blahblah who cares
I LOOK LIKE TOTAL SHIT HJAHA
i am weird looking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i've been feeling really fatigued lately, but everything is going well
i am struggling a little with a paper for women's studies. i have certain issues lined out in my head, and i think a lot of stuff when i'm reading the article we're supposed to write about, but i kind of am having a hard time coming to terms of establishing a clear concise opinion. feminism is kind of wishy washy and super sensitive cuz of all the things that tie into it like racism, classism, ableism, capitalism, etc etc etc.
is there such a thing as double difference anyway?
how much internal criticism of the feminist movement is useful, and when does it meet the point of being counterproductive?
and what about the issue of the white dominance of the feminist movement
the article i am supposed to read is focused mainly on that, and i don't think it's MAINLY racism within the feminist movement, i think it's mainly racism within the SYSTEM
if "the feminist movement," as she uses the term, refers to this in terms of academia, then yeah, of course white women have dominated the feminist movement, white women could afford to be a part of that semi-unfortunate shift of validity within the academic spectrum
that's why we've got the glass ceiling argument for the uber "capitalist feminist" (even though there is no such a thing)
but anyway i won't get into that
i;ll deal with this issue in my paper, not here

it's time to move on with my life and shower

i have so much good shit to read

ps what can you do with an avacado? i got one and now i don't know what to do with it.

8:13 pm - 10.31.03

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