vaneigem's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Routine, then speech) Who is the man. 1234.

music: heyyy ladiesss

mannnnnnnnnnnnnnn
i just looked in the mirror
god i look liek shit.

ok so this always happens to me. i'll think of something and then i'll find out that some asshole in the 17th whatever century has already thought of the same fucking thing. fuck you buddy. like... forks. except, forks were made in the 19th century i think. and... i never thought of forks. ok let me use a real example. awhile ago i was thinking about the experience of the individual, as in, how you see things, and how i see/experience "things," and how there is no way we could possibly prove that what you see is exactly what i see (or the complete opposite for that matter), and maybe we are not having the same experience, and maybe even to you, an "experience" may feel like how my "boredom" would feel. if you catch my drift. maybe i wrote a journal entry about it in here, but who knows. simply put, my "red" may look like your "green." and how do i know that you even think or see at all. so i thought i was going crazy and then at the first philosophy lecture, my prof explains the SAME idea, using the SAME example i gave (colours) to explain to my friend what i was thinking. i just about stood up and yelled OMG

i haven't spoken a word in that class (it's pretty small, just about 150 or so). everyone seems to know what they're talking about and i'm a little... well, lost.
i've just had enough reading about injustice vs. justice
so i got a little curious and skimmed through the other books we'd be doing in the year.
and do you know how many times i saw the word "just" and "unjust"?!??!?! FUCK THAT! it's not fun! not at all! nor is it interesting or inspiring! i had my overdose of the "good" vs "bad" debate in my catholic fucking high school, and now it's like that all over again except in INTELLECTUAL JARGON and i was looking through the other courses, like for example there are more specific ones like 2nd year existentialism courses, and they have no prerequisites. so i thought to myself why the fuck am i doing THIS shitty course!?
so i am dropping philosophy and i'm taking up FILM STUDIES
yay

the other day when m and i were in kensington to get vegetables, i decided to get an eggplant, because, well, they are ugly. and purple. and also, i remember having eggplant parmigiana in spain, and how it was sooo damn good. so i found a recipe for it and made it. and holy fuck. was it ever disgusting. it tasted like mushed up cheese-bananas. and... well.. yeah. that's my pointless, useless eggplant parmigiana story. thank you.

WHOA i just had one of those moments. those moments when someone is telling a pointless story, and then they finish the story and no one gets it and is waiting for the end of it, when in fact, that was just the end. and it was just so pointless that no one realized it to be the end because you established nothing and should've really just kept that thought to yourself. so people just look around at each other in silence and then break out into fragmented pity-chuckles. those moments are the JUICE OF MY LIFE

so i got a phone call the other day from the health center.
it was regarding the blood test i took a week ago for the tonsillitis thing. the doctor was pretty much like OH YOU SILLY GIRL YOU DON'T HAVE MONO!!!! HA HA HA. SILLY YOU!
yeah well i decided out of curiosity to take the blood test just for fun? remember? do you read my entries??????? ANYWAY
well you know fucking what!!!!!!!
the blood test came out positive. i had mono this whole time and still have it.
ahahhahahha
THE END!
(ps i 'm not contagious, apparently i am in the "recovery period" and they told me when you don't have the fever/sore throat symptoms [which i don't, and havne't since i've been in toronto], you aren't contagious. so please don't shun me away. sniff.)

it actually makes sense because i have been walking slower than usual since being in toronto, and i've been pretty mellow so no one asks me if i'm on drugs anymore.
....well, except for that one time when geoff thought i was drunk
and that other time when i thought someone put something in my orange juice (orange juice makes me go all crazy.)

so.. .meh
mono schmono.

i miss my friends. i was thinking about kerry the other day and that made me think about high school in general. it still hasn't hit me that i'll never be in high school again. i miss mike and mike and michael. and brendan and brandon. and mark and marco. i miss my girl meghan, and marcelle and everyone. even teachers like ms. kyte and lameo things like school assemblies, and tiffany parading around in '93-platform-shoes being all hilarious-like. those were old times. i'm glad i had such an amazing time in high school.

i had my first university tutorial last night for women's studies. it was pretty rad, and really really personal. i did the readings the night before, and my fuck. some of them are the most amazing pieces i have ever read. i LOVED doing them. this one was from a zine ''the personal is political'', written by emmy pantin. she made this amazing reference to foucault's idea of the panopticon. a panopticon is a type of prison where the jail cells are positioned in a circle, and the guards are placed in the middle, but the prisoners can't see the guards. eventually it's not even necessary to have the guards there at all, because the prisoners will ultimately start "watching" themselves through the terror of being pushined. which causes them to almost "police" themselves. so anyway, she ties this notion in with identity and the way we behave socially and culturally. how we are often like the panopticon in that we are constantly policing ourselves to fit in to whehter it be our culture, subculture, sexuality, the gender we're supposed to be, whatever
when you feel violated and want to scream, you can't
lots of discussion about patriarchal norms, like, as in the "marked" and unmarked and how the feminist "revolution" has been largely "dominated" by the unmarked. 'marked' individuals are often thrown into the "et cetras". like, when i say the word "woman", societal standards assume this "woman" as white, middle class, and heterosexual. we never say "white woman", "straight woman", etc. however, when we run into "that black guy" vs. "that guy" on the street, it implies a normality and anyone marked (ie. "BLACK woman") is a deviation of that norm. super interesting.
i am actually able to speak in that tutorial. i am too shy to raise questions and answers in huge lecture halls, and it kind of freaks me out how some people are able to do that. and sometimes i'm just not comfortable with sharing my ideas with people who i can't trust. basically, i feel at home in a women's studies class and i can relate with everyone and just the fact that we are all together there, there's this pre-established trust
gah. if you know what i mean.

but. hmm. this girl in my class said "what i got from the readings is that they were all written by angry lesbians". the whole class got this awkward silence and i don't think anyone knew how to respond. she was serious. and we had JUST established the myths of feminism and why they are MYTHS. so i mean, i HAD to put up my hand and say something. i talked about the bell hooks reading and how it was really positive and how i liked that it opened up the definition of feminism as a wider range of issues tying in with race, class, gender, sexuality, institutions, capitalism, and ultimately domination
how feminism is so important because domination is found in our most intimate relationships and it really fucks with our heads to be both loved AND dominated by someone
and i LOVE hooks and she has major points about including men in the "revolution" and how it's not men vs. women, as some women are sexists. and i like how she bashes reformer feminists haha. i mean, the focus of the reading was on institutions and domination. so i asked the girl where in that reading she got the vibe that hooks was an "angry lesbian"
hooks was compassionate, and didn't even directly address "homosexuality" at all

GAH. PEOPLE.

i met this really cool girl named claire after class. she's taking art courses and i'm kind of shy around her haha. she reminds me of drew barrymore in how she talks and it's so cute. we sat in the lecture together. i met this other girl too, carley. i was glad to see that linlet was there. she looked depressed today though. i'm glad to know three girls in my tutorial.

i want to major in sociology now i think. i fucking love it. so much. and i never knew there was 1st year semiotics course. gah.

i contacted dave betz the other day to find out about that travel zine.
good news! his reply:
"hey jamie! thanks for writing...sorry its been so long, but ive had a lot of complications in my most recent travels....the zine will definitely be out in the last week of november as i am holding off to add in the last bit of this year, and for my upcoming trip to miami for the ftaa demonstration. your piece however will definitely be in it, as it is one of my favorite pieces. i am a large fan of your writing. i will be putting out another zine with it titled one fist.. it will be a small collection of writings of travels as well with a more political edge. if you would care to contribute, i would love you to write for it..." and etc etc.
AHHH YESS!!!
that is such good news. i'm going to do it. hopefully his zines are good. i don't really care though, it doesn't matter much to me. that made me SO happy. i LOVE doing stuff anonymously like that.

michelle and i went out today to return some stuff. ran into her coworker who is like HARDCORE OMG CLOTHES OMG and it kind of scared me a little bit and she talked a whole lot and that also scared me a little too.

xoxoxo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

p.s. i just replied to an email my mom sent me. her email was like "Hi honey how are you?" and it was like 3k of family information and other such homecooked pleasantries.
and i reply with

hi mom
my window is about 48"x49" i'll call you guys on sunday.
-jamie

god. i'm such an asshole.

3:22 pm - 09.18.03

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next