vaneigem's Diaryland Diary

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goddd. what the fuck?
what is going ON.

i have been so incredibly confused lately. i'm not sure what i want out of relationships, but i know that right now i am getting more than i want. if that makes sense. i'd like to kind of cool off a little but i really don't know how to say it. fuck. i don't like having people cling to me and talk to me seriously and intently only when they are saying things like i love you. which is nice, but i need more (and less?) than that. man. i don't know what to do. i completely adore him but the nature of the relationship, the way it is working out, well, it's not really working for me
um like a pair of shoes that you love and are comfortable, but they're way too big for you to wear. or something. i could just ask for a different size but i don't know how to do that. haha. what a lameo analogy but i think it kind of catches what i'm saying

i need to hang out with friends on my own. it's like some people assuem i have given up my own identity for a 'couple identity'. i'm not used to this and it's just really weird to be faced with it.

i loved being 'single'
there are things i love about having a boyfriend, but those things are kind of fading...
the honeymoon effect i guess. i'm just not as happy as i was anymore.. and it's getting to the point where i'm almost UNhappy. i'm not sure if it's just the fact that i am in a new place and this is all a little overwhelming, or if it's what i'm afraid it is, i'm not sure.

i just liked it when things were simple and i want to make them simple again, that's all.

and i was talking about it with my good friend the other night and i eventually came to the conclusion that all this change has seriously left me off-balanced. i need to find something to balance everything out and i think i can do that through doing productive creative things on my own or with a friend, but right now i have like no time for that.
i don't want to give it up, but i do in a way, but i don't in another, etc, etc etc. yoyo life

i've totally lived my life on my own and in my head, and i sort of live in my own little world. being so committed to someone would mean that they'd have to know me, and he doesn't understand the way things work in my head yet
i'll get quiet sometimes and he thinks i'm upset with him
i'm just thinking
about what
ugh.
like, that's just the way i am buddy.
i'm not here to be cute or charming or whatever. sometimes i get quiet or maybe even act like a jerk and that's just how i work. that is my guard and how i protect myself. it's bizarre to be questioned on it and answering it in fear of offending someone. hypersensitivity.
it's like a vicious irritating circle.

regardless, i need to have a talk with him because it's just picking away at my brains and rotting them out. things need to change. or else it's going to have to end. and i have no clue what to say.. because i don't really know what i want.

WHY i am putting this on the internet
because it is my "journal" and REALLY need to get it out and don't really want to talk about it with anyone. i trust that those who DO read this would respect my own thoughts by keeping them quiet because this is pretty exclusive and most people have no idea i have this thing.

lord.

and my friends back home, i have talked to marcelle and she is just acting totally different.
all she talks about is trying to score with guys and the guys she is trying to score with and blahblahblah
guysguysguys. then again, she's always been like that. haha. so there's not really an issue with her.

so then i talked to bernice on msn..
she's my old best friend who moved to kingston a couple years ago. i explained to her how sick i was the week before moving, and why i couldn't go to kton to say goodbye. she was just like "shit that sucks." yeah. "shit that sucks"? haha. way to show concern. i asked her how she was doing and it was like "good i'm doing good" blahblah and it was just a one-ended conversation. she didn't even ask me how i liked toronto, or how i'm doing, or anything. i could've been a pregnant crackwhore for all she knew
she DID say "johnny cash died yesterday"
ok. who cares about johnny fucking cash?
did you actually sit down and listen to him and enjoy it, or is it just cool to like johnny cash because everyone else does and he is apparently "legendary" whatever that means.
the old man fucking sucked, but that's just my opinion
so i said "ha too bad. i have to go"
and then i thought about it and said "it's nice to know that you're concerned about me." or something like that, and i left.
i don't plan to talk to her ever again.
what's the point?
i'm totally just weeding out the shitty people out in my life. i don't need them, i don't enjoy them, they make me feel like shit.
talked to taylor and he really showed no interest in me either
i'm not being selfish, it's that i'll show genuine interest in other people and i'd really love to know how they're doing and how their life is going, and then when it's not returned, it's completely disappointing and it makes me feel vulnerable and disgusting
so i don't plan to talk to him again either.
why waste my time on selfish people?
and there's this whole belief that people don't like selfish people, only because it doesn't fulfill their OWN selfish needs but that really isn't it with me in this case. it's like you show total concern for someone and to realize that the feelings aren't mutual, it's pretty insulting

and hey i have other awesome, caring, amazing friends and i love them and so why get all upset over the shitty ones?
yay

i talked to my best friend meghan early last night and she luckily made up for everything. i miss her so much. we were such fucking awesome friends and she is honestly the best most caring amazing person i have ever known. she is so fucking far away. near halifax. i almost cried when i heard her voice last night. she told me she really misses me. i want her to come visit, or me to go visit her.

i think toronto is just getting to me and i just need some good alone jamie time
i'm going to cancel plans for tonight just to be by myself

man i love my roommates. we don't have much in common, but i love LIVING with other girls my age and cooking with them and stuff. we all made cookies the other day, and damn are they fucking good. i was going to bring some to michelle, but they are already almost gone.

i miss my mom. haha. a lot.
and i miss my cat.

i went to the clinic two days ago to get my bloodwork done. i had been holding it off forever just because.. well, it's a clinic. they're some of the dirtiest, sicky-est places. whenever i am in a clinic all i can think about is the amount of colds and viruses i am most likely breathing in at that very moment.
the doctor was ok.
i knew more about mono than he did.
the conversation went like this

docta: "so wait, why didn't your doctor just do the bloodwork when he saw you instead of sending you here a week later?"
jjj: "well when i saw him i had only been experiencing symptoms for a week." d: "ok....and? [smiles]"
j: "and... mono shows up after TWO weeks of symptoms doesn't it?"
d: silence
j: "so like.. i have to wait 2 weeks or else it wouldn't show up in the bloodwork...?"
d: "ohhh ok (jots stuff down)"

haha.
so he basically told me honey you don't have mono. and i knew that. but i had the option of getting bloodwork done anyway, because there is always that possibility. so i figured since i waited like an HOUR, i am not gonna let some doctor be liek "no you don' thaveit." I AM GOING TO GO THROUGH THE PAIN I DESERVED TO GO THROUGH. AN HOUR'S WORTH OF WAITING TYPE OF PAIN. so i went to the lab thing and got my blood taken anyway. just for fun. but it wasn't very fun. so i'll get results and it will be glorious

emily's laugh is soooo... like... PIERCING. she wakes me up every morning with it! "muahahhahah" EVERY morning! but it's quite a pleasant laugh, so i don't really mind.
"aint no thang"

last week i saw fucking ERASE ERRATA and NUMBERS
it was so fun and good. GOD how i love erase errata
they are like one of my favourite bands ever
i went with my sister, jackie and trevor. it was a lovely time.
the ee shirts were disappointing and boring, but i got one anyway. i was expecting something spazzy and colourful and just.. WHOA! but no. oh well!

we ran into paul on the street that night. i guess he ran into geoff prior to that. g told me that paul apologized to him about the party thing. and i guess he said "so i think jamie-lynn might be upset with me". haha aww. i felt bad after that. forgive and forget! whatevs
we talked FOREVVVER and i still have to phone him. eek
i think i'll do that tomorrow night.
i'm horrible with phoning people. it's a shy thing.
we are all friendly again and that makes me very happy. that boy is just the best. and amazingly bright
his birthday is oct 7th and mine is the 8th so i think we are going to have some sort of joint birthday party bash yayay

i lovvvve sociology class. it's fucking great. my professor is so pretentious but i kind of like it! and he wears suits and his language is so accurate and precise. i HATE my anthro prof but i just have 6 lectures with him (i have 4 profs for that class).
he makes REALLY FUNNY sexist jokes, GOD THEY ARE FUNNY. I LOVE SEXIST JOKES.
AND I LOVE LEARNING ABOUT HIS 6 POUND WHITE PERSIAN CAT WHO LIKES TO CHASE FLIES.
cough ahem cough
i learned more about his cat than about evolution

he reminds me of bill nye the science guy
(science rules)
so annoying
i am hating the bio part, but once we get into semiotics and cultural anthro, i know i am going to LOVE it.

my women's studies class is GLORIOUS
my prof is BEAUTIFUL IN EVERY SINGLE WAY

last night i went to japanther. i thought the show kind of blew, but i met some new people and that was really nice. i really liked the way the venue is set up too.
i have just been kind of bothered over the whole thing i was talking about earlier and not acting like myself.
it's distracting me and bumming me out and i can't concentrate on conversations or anything else.
yeah and "jeff" was there. when we were leaving he tried to talk to my sister.
we left together and he called "hey, michelle's sister!" i turned around and he gave me this nanananabooboo look. god. what a loser. i just walked away, because, well, why waste my time and energy on a piece of shit? makes sense.
he was banging into jackie and her friend was protecting her by putting his hand in between them, i thought that to be quite funny
i'm not going to bother with that jeff guy anymore though, or go out of my way to be a jerk to him. silly games. he is just a perv and fucked up
whatever
go home and spend time with yr stds

i ran into james again. i think i like james, he's cool. (but also jeff's brother urgh.) it's hard to tell if he is genuine or not. so it's not like i trust him or anything, but he has always been very nice to me, so it was an overall pleasant visit. nice to see faces from blvl.

yay
jackie looked so cute too! gahh THAT GIRL
she is the cutest on the earth

michelle got some seripop posters. i got a $5 one and i wish i got more, but i guess i don't really need them. i need new shoes.

FINALLY met amy, the girl who dances all the time. i contributed to her zine for riotgrrrl toronto a few years ago and we emailed each other a bit and yay. i like her.

i will try to update this thing more often now. i have just not been knowing what to say about this g thing, and what i think about it, but now i just don't care.

this was a very negative, depressing entry and for that, i am sorry. i like to restrict the bad stuff to pixelated form and keep it out of my real life. so now, let's get all cheered up and think of fluffy bunnies hopping in fields of poppies./
the end!

xoxo

11:42 am - 09.14.03

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