vaneigem's Diaryland Diary

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I was a candidate for the president

music: ESG

so so so so.

i'm trying to pick up as many hours for work as possible. it's really good. the summer is already flying by, i have noticed. it's like i shut my eyes for a moment and by the time i open them it's another day or something. i'm trying to enjoy myself here while i can, when i can leave my room messy and my mom leaves me notes on the kitchen table. in a month or two, i won't have that. i'll be living with other (probably) annoying girls with their ugly shit all over the place. even when my sis comes home for a weekend, it feels like an intrusion (though i love her and love having her here, so it's an intrusion in a funny way). hopefully i don't go completely insane!!! although maybe i will and i'll write some good insane papers!
so yeah i've been making myself work my ass off. i am in dire need of $$$
toronto is pricey pricey
yet i got a pair of jeans today. they are annoyingly lowrise but hopefully i get used to it. i needed jeans

and SO. on wednesday i went to see geoff in ptbo for the first time.
whoa. ok. where to start.
well it took me almost 2 hours to get there, and i phoned him from some plaza to say "i'll be there really soon!" ...and then i got lost. but it was his fault for wrong directions. i didn't say this because then he'd feel bad. boy got my direction mixed up. note to self: turn LEFT off lansdowne. not RIGHT into the land of desert.
HOWEVER, i did make it there in good time even though all the streets in ptbo look the same. i found his house just fine and rang the doorbell. it took him forever to get it, i think he was nervous haha. there the door opens and there he is smiling. gorgeous beauty. i met ALL of his FOUR FUCKING CATS. it was like CAT CITY. but not in the gross way, it was in a very very cute way. they were all sitting around each other like friends haha awww
anyway, enough about the cats.
we went down to geoff's room and it's the raddest i've ever seen
he has like the whole basement to himself, shelves and shelves of films and cds (i'm guessing between 500-1000 cds) and loads of records. he has all this art on the walls too, it was just really cool. shiit the boy decorates to kill.
i guess i was a little nervous because we haven't truly hung out before. but as soon as we got down the stairs he hugged me, and all the nervousness seemed to float away
maybe i shouldn't be talking about this here? but whatevas
the way he looked at me was the craziest thing i have ever seen. i can't even explain it.
so anyway, we pretty much just stayed in all day. i picked out pretty in pink (and later the sure thing) and his vcr wasn't working but then i made it work. kaha. he liked that.
so i guess this is pretty major because we were making out like the whole time. two movies played and i'm surprised that i actually know what it was that we were watching.
i couldn't believe what i was doing
he smelled soooo goooooood. it was just his natural scent or maybe his laundry detergent or something, or hair, i'm not sure WHAT it was, but my god.
he has the softest hands.
he told me so many things and god it was just such a good fucking day. the passion in that room was beautiful. when we were sitting on the couch within the first 10 minutes, he said "you look really good.. you are beautiful." eventually "i wouldn't change a thing about you." eventually "you are perfect". eventually "you have beautiful soft skin". he told me later that he was speechless when he saw me.
like fuck this whole thing is just so fucking insane! what is happening!! it's going a little too fast and god it's awesome but so weird and unfamiliar to me.
he has THE most beautiful eyes and these teeth that are hot and crooked
beautiful hair, cutest voice
and i just could NOT get over his smell

i gave him his little koala and he absolutely adores it.
i also lent him phantom pregnancies, bikini kill, diemonitrbats /chromatics, and scene creamers.
later told me he loves p.p. and it's going on his radio show tonighttt
he lent me a wholle bunch of stuff... jandek, esg, birthday party, prima donnas, and james chance.

i had to leave at 5pm and our goodbye lasted 45 minutes

needless to say, there was an instant connection hahah
to say the least

man... i really like this guy... he is super nice and cute. i always thought i wanted someone exactly like me, but i can tell he is pretty different from me, yet very similar at the same time. and we have this surreal connection and it's super rad. there was never any awkward silences, which is weird.
he wants to see my art but i am scared to show him haha. it sucks
he wants to see me asap so he might be coming down here tomorrow.
if he does, he'd be riding his bike half-way. fucking insane!! i can't wait to see him again.
i REALLY hope it doesn't rain or else that might suck. if he comes i think i'll take him to the rose garden, some park, a walk around and show him the town and maybe a lunch and movie or something
i plan to visit again in ptbo soon.

so yes! i like him super lots and it's all really cool to be happening to me.
and i feel that i am ready for an intense relationship like this may turn out to be (maybe, maybe not.), because i have built this solid foundation for myself. i know who i am, i make myself happy, i have confidence and self-esteem. if shit fucks up, i wouldn't feel like it would ruin me in any way. so it's cool.
i honestly had like the most amazing day ever. i'm really REALLY proud of myself for working up the guts to travelling so far and taking that chance, it was probably one of the best decisions of my life so far
he makes me feel really good

so yeah wednesday was a fucking big day.
i smell his smell all over the place now, am i like insane? like after days of showers and washing hands, i can still smell him on me?
what is happening to me?!
he is on my mind all the time

ANYWAY. i am sorry for talking about this.

tonight i went out with some kids to the waterfront festival.
picked up meghan and we went to aaron's down a few blocks. the east end is so fucking great. he has this massive fucking house, and his room is so neat and ikea. he has like NO "stuff". i have so much "stuff." i plan to get rid of it tomorrow. i saw marcelle and her friend from ottawa that i just met named shannon. i was trying to ask her questions, as she was around a group of loud people she didn't relaly know, so i was trying to make her feel comfortable. she's in some program that involves travelling so i was interested in learning about that and asked about it. she sort of let marcelle answer for her. lady do you speak?
aaron is so fucking great. i'm SO jazzed up to be with him in toronto. he is so fun and it will also be good for him, lots of hot guys, and maybe he'll feel more accepted in a larger community. i wonder if he'd like something like vazaleen.
when he answered the door he was all "guys we're doing our hair, come on up!!!" and ran up the stairs. haha. aww. he's my boy. "jamie i have stuff to show you, i want to show you my closet!!" and what a closet you have
marcelle irritated me the whole time tonight. she is super self-centred and it reminds me of what i didn't like in bernice. she was drinking and she was being a non-funny drunk. if yr gonna make jokes when yr drunk, make em either a) funny or b) so not funny it's funny.
silly
she told me that she asked andre to have sex with her at the end of prom night.
and andre declined. haha. later on, marcelle asked him why he wouldn't and she was like "are you attracted to me? be honest it's cool" cuz they're really good friends and andre was like "...well..no i 'm not.. not at all"
she thought that was funny. it kind of is. haha
hmm?

so who cares
we went to the waterfront and it fucking sucked. this is an annual thing where big name bands play and there's all these beer tents and different ethnic foods, games, rides, bullshit, blbahlah. a festival i guess. it just really depressed me.
drunk people are so fucking idiotic. it was weird. sometimes i'll find drunks really funny, but every one around me tonight, i just couldn't STAND.
i just wanted to walk around and sit by the water and hang out and talk, but marcelle and aaron wanted to get all beered up with every other single person in the city. that's alright
meghan and i went for a walk. even SHE was making me twitch tonight cuz she never knows what she wants to do. she always leaves everything up to me and i hattte that cuz i'm also indecisive and i want someone there to say "OK LET"S DO THIS."

aaron phone me on his cell and we all met up again and went out to the modern, which was closed, and so we went to domino pizza and had some yumyums outside.
then went home.
it was fun i guess.
there were just way too many people out and it put me in a bad mood. dudes were yelling stupid things (i think one called me a "skanky whore." haha. thanks.) and ladies could hardly walk drunk in their ugly platform shoes that are soo '93
like what are people doing with their lives?
why am i here associating myself with this? fuck.
last year meghan and i counted mullets. 143 or something.

it's just this small city boredom
people go to bars (or beer tents.) cuz they're bored.
it's depressing.
they need an excuse to get out of their house to DRINK
seems so played and set out. i saw a bunch of people there that i didn't wanna talk to. i did see brian though, but he was leaving as we were entering. i don't blame him

anyway i'm tired and kind of grumpy
mainly because i'm kind of on edge about tomorrow
i don't know if geoff is coming or not, i wish he'd email me rather than to leave it to a phone call last minute.
i was invited to go to the beach with friends tomorrow but i'm waiting to hear from geoff. and they don't exactly know about him yet so it's hard to explain

i gotta contact n.b. about my order like a month or two ago
it's so late

anyway i'm super tired all of a sudden!

tata!
lovelvoelove

2:59 am - 07.12.03

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