vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Simba's Passed. it's been awhile since my writing in here, because I've switched to writing to Mary in private and then a blog for the less super personal stuff. But I wanted to write in here about this because I'm not really necessarily as I feel it's worthy of my final entry, I don't know. My cat of like 14 years died last week adn my mom told me today when she was in Toronto. He had a heart attack basically and they had to put him down as he was in too much pain. It's been a tough year. Earlier this year was hard. A couple months ago my boyfriend and best friend broke up after like 5 years. I really miss Simba already. He was my best friend, I know it sounds lame, but he was. I'm looking at pictures of him and my heart fucking sinks. My mom told me infront of Matt while at MIchelle's house and I sort of sat there on display as they all watched for my reaction. I was numb the first few minutes and then I got really sad and cried. I've been really upset and crying since. I suppose he was really old and I know he had a good life. Sometimes I had "talks" with Simba where I'd tell him how much I loved him. I mean, like, quick little "i love you simba"s.I'm pretty sure he's with my grandpa right now. I'm feeling okay here and sad there and angry here and like I'm doing to die there. I'm okay. It's just been a lot piling on me this year like life is testing me to see how much I can take. I'm learning to sit with my feelings and to accept the feelings I have. They used to come in and I would freak out, not eat, buecase I didn't want to accept them or deal with them. This is pain. This is stuff that sucks. This is anger and confusion and not having the answers. I'm letting it come in and I'm hugging it for what it is. So... He was old and it was his time. That's a difficult thing to accept. I really really love him a lot. He's my sweet baby. Now I want my own cat. I'm itching for one like simba. I wear a necklace that Simba knows is all about him. I almost freaked out because I thought i lost it but I found it just now. I will probably wear it for awhile. Hard. I couldn't speak much to my family and wanted to just be home alone. Poeple started talking about other shit as if nothing had happened, commenting about coco, ti was weird. I kind of need some more time to deal with this cat of 15 years that I lost. People deal with things in different ways. I need to be alone. I wasdying to get out of there. i twas mother's day. I came home. I phoned T. All I wanted was to talk to him. The first person I phoned was Bernice actually but I think she was busy. I phoned T. and he actually started walking over. He pretty much ran to my house and hugged me adn then had to go play his show. That was sweet. He looked nice. He made me feel better, started telling me to drink tea nd have a nice bath. It was really good of him. What I love about him is that he's no bullshit ina really awesome way. He doesn't say shit like "AWWW I'm so SORRY", shit that is just annoying cliche and you don't want t o hear. He's rational and he thinks about what he says. Seeing and feeling how he dealt with this makes me like him a whole lot more. He's mature and caring and genuine. I feel like new things are starting. But I can't turn my back on the past. I cherish everyone I have ever loved and I will always remember everything positively despite the hardships. I want to move forward becasue that's what's hopeful and that's what's real. 8:05 pm - 05.10.09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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