vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I SEE YOU READ Well, it's really fucking late. I've been dicking around on the internet all night trying to get my Iranian assignment done, but i keep distracting myself. I think I am going to start writing in this again, for a number of reasons, I really like just poting pictures and videos and shit but I'll do that in my blogspot. Blogspotty people dont want to read about my life. This is about my life, or me, or whatever. I feel too naked anywhere else. I'm not sure who reads this. A big big part of me could care less , even ifyou are like an asshole ex boyfriend or something- welcome to my new fucking diary, asshole. I don't know, today I've been trying to get my assignment done and I went to my old diaryland I had when i was 16. Count em- SIXTEEN. It was pretty wild and at one point I referenced myself as a 25 year old, which is what I am now, as in, "When I am like, 25, I wonder if I will look back on this and regret never telling Evan I had feelings for him." Etc. That is really funny. And I think I do regret shit like that, but my life would probably be a lot different if I had. I would probably be still with that guy. Relationships are really fucking weird. I'm learning to not really take anything personally anymore. I was a kind of a big loser in how I thought about my first "big" breakup. I didn't even really need to revert to any weird mechanisms or fallback ona nyone else. I just thought, funnily enough, that I would be one of those rare people that gets married to your high school sweetheart or whatever, but I really should've known and I kind of think I am stupid to have not. I was unhappy and unhealthy. I would wake up everyday worried and psychotic. Two years in I stopped eating for a good period of August. I have a picture of a trip and my face looks sullen and sunken in, and I'm a bit of a chub. It just was not good and it's fucking scary to look back on what I could not see. Something that is so obvious to me now. Everything builds up and I feel like I am just learning now, at 25, how to throw stuff out. My heart hurts just thinking about it but I have to for my own sanity. I feel like my life is too much leisure and I worked way way way harder when I was 16. I pcitured myself working that threefold at this age, in terms of getting shit done like painting, make stuff, doing music, working, exercising, etc. There are some things going really nicely. I was pretty successful with undergrad/postgrad I guess. I can think critically but in a more academic way without the emotion I used to have. I have bene sort of trained out of it which feels like a robbery. Fuck them. Fuck this fucking city. I am so done with this place, I want to shoot myself in the fucking head. I get grey hair and I have cellulite on my thighs. I work out and I like my grey hair. I am on a site that has users named !!!(***brite ii's~~~123 and shit. Whatever. I have a plan for life and I know where I'm going. The biological clock is pretty annoying because there is so much I want to do before I have kids, if I am ever able to. I am studying Iranian culture and the way this assignment is set up is really uncomfortable. Basically we go through these questions in categories in order to "summarize" a culture. There is something obviously inherently stereotypical about the whole thing and I am making actually hafl of my assignment be a commento n the limitations of the assignment itself. I find it tricky to talk about. If I had time, and didn't wait until the last minute, kind of literally, I would've interviewed Arien or Geneva. They are both Iranian and I guess iI have other Iranian firends, and Iranian family, who I could talk to and are closer, but Arien adn Geneva are better for this. I am including some of Arien's art work as well. He is one of the raddest dudes I have met. They have also introduced me to some pretty crucial music. I worked on music tonight, I started a song and it sounds pretty good. The drums sound too produced though, so I actually might do the drums with my voice. I practiced it a bit and I liked how it sounded. You can just record tidbits and the arrange them and create an 8 beat loop and then just loop it. It's pretty easy I guess, and it just sounds rougher. I probably won't though jus tto be honest. But alternatively I could go even a step further in the direction I am going and make what I'm doing really super new wave. I like the French pop sound. I have a real problem with vocals, though.It's hard for me to create new melodies wiht my voice like I could with an instrument, so I'm beginning to use instruments, record it, record it with my voice and then remove that instrument or sometimes keep it in. Because I am totally incapable otherwise. I have no idea. I guess that's it for now. 3:20 am - 10.17.09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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