vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WALKING IN THE SAND Quite frankly in the past week I have had the two worst days of the year. The day I came home I was in such a bad mood. I wasn't particularly happy about coming back to Toronto to my shithole house while my sister somehow lives in the most elegant condo you've ever seen in your life, somehow it all seems unfair to me. NOR was I happy staying at home because my parents were really beginning to annoy me and do weird clingy things with me. My mom drove me and I think I really got through to her. I have had so much pent up aggression slowly heating up my blood over the past few months, things that I can't control, and that day it all certainly boiled over. I went completely bizerk and cried and got it all out. My mom feels that I am not tapping into and listening to what I feel considering my sister being married and she gave me this speech about how " I Know you miss her, I miss her too" , as if she is gone forever and it's kind of true. I can barely get a moment alone iwth her on family holidays and that's the way it goes. Things change, she's happy, so I'm happy. I don't really feel nostalgic for the old days but I find myself not acting myself when I am around her and her husband. Whenever they are home, which is usually the major holidays, I turn into a big shadow and no one asks me anything about my life because I'm not fucking getting married cooking food with my husband and thinking about having babies. That my dad makes more of an effort with Matt than he does with me. I really feel like I am losing more than I am gaining at an increasing rate. That was that. My mum and I went for dinner at Fresh and it was nice. i was really insanely tired and just wanted to go home and clean, I wnated her to leave but she's such a good mother that I toughed it out and hung out with her until she wanted to leave. I'm glad I freaked out because she knows how much it takes out of me to work at this kind of stuff. I am so frustrated with my living situation, where I am in life, with everything and everyone it feels. I have felt in a big rut. I forget what I did the other days, but New Years Eve Day was the peak of terrible days of 2007. Geoff and I got in a huge fight, a screaming crying whatever fight that lasted about an hour, which is really bad for us. I don't want to talk about what happened. I was extremely upset and felt so depressed. I truly felt I had nothing to live for. I dont feel important to anyone anymore. These feelings have been building up in me for awhile now. Maybe it's bene my shitty hormones. Health-wise some things have come up that I dont want to talk about nor do I want to deal with in this. I cried, I walked down the street crying people staring at me but I didn't give a stupid fuck. Geoff and I took a cab in silence and I sat and cried. I came home and he followed me and hugged me in bed and made everything okay. I felt loved and that's all I wanted. That's all I needed and I need support in my life now than ever. When the person who gives that to you works 16 hour days it's kind of difficult. You're understnading until you really need them and they aren't there. Need is a very narrow lens. It felt good to have him there. That's all I wanted, someone of my own, something that I have with no one else's help. He hugged me and rubbed my back and I cried about how embarassed I was and we became intimate and I hadn't felt so emotionally close to him in a really long time. I felt embarassed but good that I was able to let itall out like that. I felt good after. I feel good about it now. I felt embarassed, ashamed, but real and honest. I felt like I had written the most articulate book of my life about my struggles. The whole experience exhausted me, I was stressed out, and I don't ever want to live that ever again. It was absolutely horrible. I was in a really fucking dark place on New Years Eve Day and Geoff realized he had to come in there and pull me out of it. I am grateful for that. Embarassed and not wanting to ever go there again, but grateful. Perhaps also losing your best friend at a later age is a lot more traumatizing than anything experienced younger. Or the person that you put the most confidence into, you now know is the last person on Earth who would ever support you through any hard times if you needed it. I am having a really difficult time with that. Geoff and I hugged in my bed, completely stripped down emotionally and we really needed that in order to really see each other again. We went for a really nice walk together and then went out to dinner. It was an awesome time and I still felt really bad but I felt at peace as if I had released this huge demon that had been lurking inside me for a few months. I sit here feeling still embarassed yet a lot lighter. There is something about acting socially normal all the time that is really restricting. I never want to be a normal person who pretends life is A-OK when it's not and lives a happy little lie. That would even go against my ideals on a broader societal, political level. ALl of it is also a political feat to me. I shouldn't have handled it that way but I did. We had a nice dinner and we loved each other and I felt closer and more in love with him than ever. We were going to a party that night where his friends from MTL were, two of whom I hadn't met yet, and I felt completely embarassed because they probably think I"m this psycho girlfriend knowing that Geoff and I had been fighting. I didn't even want to show my face there, I wanted to just go home and go to sleep on New Years. After dinner I decided I would go home and give Geoff that opportunity to go to the party to have some alone time with his friends and get all crazy drunk or whatever he wanted to do. I wanted to be with him all night but I thought it would be nice that I backed off and gave him space to hang out with his high school friends especially after acting like such a wreck. I showed up at 11:30 because I wanted to be kissed at midnight and I wanted Geoff to be kissed on midnight too. The party was a little less weird thatn I thought, a nice girl started talking to me about something which I forget and I felt a little more at ease. I hung out at this house party and Nathalie showed up who I really like a lot, she is one of the nicest people I've ever met, and talking to her was a good moment o fthe night. There was a guy there who looked like Ian Mackaye from like 1989. He was hot but an obvious skeeze. Geoff looked hot and we had a nice time together. We were partners on the same team. Then we left and Marc phoned me, and I was really happy to hear from him. I wanted to go to the Beaver so I could see some people I knew on new years, since I had gone to G's thing to a party where I don't know anyone. He didnt watn to go and the way he approached it reallypissed me off, we were both tired and had a really emotionally stressful but productive day and that night we slept at our own respective houses. It was a horrible awkward night despite those good moments. I felt embarassed but naked and proud to be me at my worst. Everyone has their worst. I ralphed up wine and Korean bbq. Today I woke up and Geoff and I were to spend New Years Day together. We planned this, since we haven't had a day together since neither of us can even remember. It was the best day and an awesome way to start the new year and to start off the year with a lot better understandings of one another and ready to work. He is way more than I could ever ask for and I would be there for him if was ever to freak out like I did which I guess he has in his own way. We met up and he brought me a cardigan he had bought me and I thought it was a really nice sweet gesture considering the awkwardness that we were left in from the night before. I was a bit nervous. We went out to eat and experienced the funniest, worst service we had ever experienced at a place called nirvana oan college st. it took them 40 minutes to bring us water, they got our order wrong, they forgot a side part of my meal, they made shitty americanos , their cd skipped, it was hilarious. Geoff complained after we ate and we got the meals for free. Sook Yin was there with a bunhc of her friends and she smiled at me and I wasn't sure to say hi to her or not, if she remembered from the time that her, her friend, Eric and I went to Cherry beach for that show together in our mutual state of lostness. Geoff and I talked forever and it was so great to share stuff with each other and hear him talk about his ideas or funny things that have happened lately that we havent had a chance to talk about, etc. I twas just beyond nice and I feel like I actually know know KNOW him more than anyone else, and I do. We walked up the street and went to BMV. I found a historical book on witches and witch hunts in europe for $7 that looked amazing and I bought it for myself. Geoff wanted to buy a dvd but we didn't see anything worthy of buying. Then we went to Sonic Boom and I showed Geoff the new record store downstairs and we loved it. I loved it again. I looked for Shangri-Las records but didn't see any. I thought about buying the new Vashti Bunyan album becasue it's a really amazing record, but I decided to not. We walked out empty handed and did other stuff. We shopped and Geoff got a beautiful caot that looks hot on him and a shirt that I hate but he loves, and I think it's because I had a similar dress shirt that I'm really sick of now. I tried on the most uncomplimentary coat of my life. I saw boots I kind of liked, and I think I might get those boots tomorrow. We got Thai for dinner and it was the most delicious thingies we had. It was delicious and I'll say it again, delicious. Then we went home because it was 8pm and we were tired and I wanted to go hom ean dhave a bath. It was a nice day and we really needed to have this. It felt good to be able to talk to my best friend and it felt really nice that he took his one day off after working a million hours that week to spend walking around with me. I love my boyfriend , I feel weird even calling him my boyfriend because he is a lot more to me than that. I think we both feel closer ot each other than ever and I'm almost proud of myself for going through the struggle that I needed to put myself through to be honest with everything. It has been a rough time in all areas of my life. 2007- What a crazy difficult year. Today was the best start of the year. Thank you 2008. So far, at least. I will work to impress you this time around. 2:31 am - 01.02.08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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