vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fucked If I Know Hola hola Since being back here, all I've been thinknig about are the changes I want to make. Maybe the new year coming up is a force permeating my brain unknowingly. But I have the sneaking suspicion that i would feel this way no matter what time of year. I am generally unhappy in my living situation, my financial existence is non-existent. I guess I'm really sick of doing the "shit work" in my life, and it's not even hard working shit work, I've chosen to cut myself slack and I wish I had a harsher discipline pushing me externally. I want to be working 24/7 with just the right time off to maintain my personal sanity and love relationship. I want to move out and get a place on my own, to move into a nice place, for once in my life. I want to get a job, but it can only be a shitty non-contract job, really, since I can't commit to anything past September. I feel that I want to join a group, that I take the torch and to run Platypus and commit to have something solid to invest my leftist ideals. I want to cut everything negative in my life. I want to do away with the friends who have failed me time and time again, specifically those in which our relationship is evidently one-sided. I want to cut out all of my one-sided relationships. Though painful, I feel I would be doing myself a great service. Immune to Emotion would have to grab a great hold of me. I want to polish my romantic relationship or else get out of it before I stick with it any longer, if it's going nowhere then I don't want to be in it any longer. I want a man, a man, to love me for who I am, someone who I can depend on and who respects everything I stand for and is on my side, on my team. I would like for that to be Geoff but I don't know where he stands on things. I speak completely heartlessly. I feel I need to takea the most heartfilled yet heartless actions. The most selfishly selfless actions. Teaching has really pounded in my head that I am not a little girl anymore, I am a woman. Everything I do in my life I want to and have to handle it like a strong woman with grace. I can't let my emotions get the best of me, to burst into tears when things are going horribly but to bust it up and make changes and not be a big baby in those situations. Earlier I felt that I wasn't ready to move out and to not have roommates, that I really loved lijnving with other people but that's when my roommates have been my friends. Carly acts really weird most of the time she is home, she will do things like quickly close her door behind her when she goes to the washroom. It's doorshut after doorshut. It makes me feel really weird. I think she smokes pot in there, in which case it's nice that she's making the effort to contain the smoke, which I can't stand because it's gross. A part of me thinks I need to smoke a lot more pot in my life just to chill the hell out. They also both have boyfriends who are either always there or they always here. I never understood couples like that, I feel it is unfair to everyone else. If you're a couple staying with each other every night, at this age, it's time to move in with one another. I did not move into a small apartment to live with 4 people instead of 2. Their presence makes little difference, as they tiptoe around like ghosts, and they are both respectful and I like them, the boys, I like them a lot. But it isjust the messes, and also having boys around the house who I don't know at all, it's kind of annoying when you are sick as a dog, for example, and you're hacking up phlegm just trying to get some tea when you have to make small talk conversation with this stranger boy in your kitchen in his boxers. That is clearly a big source of my unhappiness right now, my living situation, which really seems to be affecting me. Maybe it's all just knowing that I have so much work to do at home. Christmas was okay, I guess. It was a nice family time and I got lots of presents which is always nice. I wasn't expecting so many. Things ran a bit different this year, but it wasn't completley unfamiliar. Everyone seemed to like the gifts I got them except for Michelle, who I guess I got her a wallet that she already has. I can just hear her complaining to Matt about me now. The night sucked because I ddin't hear from Geoff and was rather upset about it. I thought he would have phoned me on Christmas at least, but he didn't. I won't do anything about that. I got a new duvet which should be interesting. My friends are annoying me this vacation because no one is organizing anything. Things aren't panning out exactly as I planned, and I don't like it when things pan out exactly the way I have things planned, and I'm learning to be okay and cool with that. Jesse called me today and told me to phone Nick to set something up, but I was driving around for a good 20 minutes and no one was there. I said fuck it and went home. I suppose you could call this a difficult time in my life, or a difficult day, or fucked if I know. It could be the beginning of a difficult year. Fucked if I know!!!!!!!!! Shit a fuck! On CHristmas, my psycho religious aunt who everyone hates left at about 7:30pm, because she "had to go to bed." There is a running joke about how my mom bought her a v-neck sweater a few years ago and she was offended and said "I don't show my bosoms." So that is a running joke in our family, about Rose not showing her bosoms. Rose got a necklace-- "Maybe she can hang it around her bosoms," etc. Anyway when she left, one of our lamps started to flicker and Michelle said, "did you notice that or is it just me?" and I said "It must be Satan's presence finally returning to us," roars of laughter ensued. Family Funny family. It's true. I was watching one of my fav shows, Wife Swap, and one of the mothers was severely offended by some of the " new age" stuff her swapped family practiced. At the end she freaked out and screamed like a psycho bitch at the cameras and ran a little temper tantrum. I wrote down all the funny psycho shit she said: I would kill myself having to be around that psycho temper tantrum pseudo Crhsitian bitch. That's a good show taht show. The next one this porno mom with huge boobs swaps with some martha stewarty type of mom. It should be funny. I don't know when it is on though. I guess tomorrow or Friday I will go to the bank to take out an investment that I need to cash and I might also get my mom to up my credit card limit, because it's at a ridiculous student rate right now. I feel like a huge bum saying I don't have a job. Ishould have a job but I get a lot of anxiety when i put too much on my plate, like having two volunteer jobs and then a paying job on top of those. I feel like throwing a party. I'm going to call this entry: Fucked if I know! 2:16 am - 12.27.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||