vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE PICTS (PAINTED ONES)
I woke up at 7am, those are always the best days, was kind of grumpy with my dad in the morning only because we have the world's shittiest water system, since we get our water from an old school well with its own filtering system. That is something I really appreciate about Toronto-- it takes like 5 minutes to fill up a bathtub. I took the train. My dad has been really needy and clingy and emotional compared to his usual self. I think this is because he's retired and has more time on his hands. His testosterone levels are decreasing, and I'm now the only one left (ie the idea that I'm the unmarried therefore only legitimate "daughter"). I looked back, I always look back, saw that my dad's eyes were red. I sat back down and began to cry. Seeing my dad emotional is brutal. It turns out that I forgot my headphones, so I had to sit in silence across from one of those gross couples that sleep on each other in dirty sweatpants and the girl nestles her dirty socked feet in his crotch. I was really repulsed by this. While I was convinced this train ride would be shitty, it turned out to be pretty awesome. I blocked out the narbos. Someone left an In Touch magazine so I read it-- from front to back!!! Now that's an accomplishment!!! I learned that Angelina Jolie is Hilary Clintons distant cousin, Suri is the cutest baby and redeems the Cruiseys, and a bunch of other things that seem to have welded together into a big wad of gum in my brain. One of the crossword clues was, "Eminem's music." Answer: RAP. Wow. But it was cool to read! Geoffs roommates buy loads of that stuff. Anyway, the lake was beautiful, I bought a coffee. It was one of those days where everyone seems to be kinda happy despite the shitty weather. I worked on my teachers stuff, which turned out great. I popped out some good paragraphs in an hour. Tutored the children, and Rubin said a really cute thing, he said, "I'm just thinking about life and how it's good." The kid is like 4 feet tall and 8 years old. Then I worked some more, and Geoff phoned, all sweet, and we both had good days and I was happy to hear that and also to hear from him. We met up for dinner and it was a cute fun date. We both had a lot to say and I'm in love with him. He's so smart. Geoff is so smart at everything he does, and what he's doing now, he's such a forward-thinking individual which I appreciate. Geoff seems to know all about the up and coming people, and I'm glad he has this opportunity to put it all into practice. I'm also really happy he's having a positive living / roommate experience. He seems a lot happier and healthier and doing better. He is working towards getting better, and so am I , and shit is good even though it can be really trying sometimes. We had a rough week last week, we really did not get along last week at all, but I think we were just in stressed times and don't know how to deal with that yet. I read this weekend that you twenties are your craziest years and I'd really agree. We were supposed to hang out tonight but he got a dj gig and is making money that he needs, so it's cool and he was really cool about approaching it and suggested a night to hang out just me and him and that made everything positive. We had a delicious dinner and felt good about life. I don't think I am making it to his dj night, since I shoudl clean and then work on apps. I might stop by later on as a break to say hi and have a drink before bed. We talked about good bands and I mentioned this one label and how we think of like rough trade now, that is the label that quality people with good teaste are going to look to the past and admire about our era, and it is one of my aspirations to get on that label, or something like that, there are a few, but that one, that one would be awesome. I think I could do it since i'm still so extremely young. Jenny's was nice. Her roommate Vince and I get along, and Alexis for some reason loves me. jenny is trying out for this huge new film coming out by paramount, like big time box office movie, by this director whose naem I cannot say, and so I helped her with the lines. I kind of thought about how I should try to do acting. I was a pro at acting in high school and I work really hard. I think I could be good at anything, really. I have a natural need to adapt and excell at whatever I am thrown, or throw myself, into. Failure is not an option!!!!!!!!!! I like this band! I have a crush on the singer! I think kind of because has geoffrey type of good looks. I feel kind of like i'm slipping away, I"m not sure why. I know it is a really lame thing to say, but it seems as you get older your feet aren't so stuck on the ground. I feel less secure and more scared and damaged as the years go by. As you have conflicts with friends, and date people and break up, things can get stupid. My problem is how closely I take things to heart, maybe I have a big ego, well, ...you know. But my problem is that I can't let things go, I can't smile and forget, I dwell and worry and damage myself if things aren't going perfectly or haven't been going perfectly. .And maybe I need to invest myself into my own work, into writing and playing - things that I can control. And it's about control. But I can't even control writing and playing, I can't control anything, I suppose the only thing I can control is how I handle things. And while I slip up and mess up sometimes, or put my foot in my mouth and come off in the totally wrong way, I know that I never have negative intentions towards anyone and that I'm generally a good person that strives to be better, I guess. That Ive got my shit going on and maybe some people feel threatened by that, or jealous, and if they want to hate they can hate. Usually that has to do with catty girls. Life was a lot simpler when I didnt have a boyfriend and didnt bother with boys. Most of my enemies have come from freaky girls who get obsessed with geoff and hate me because I date him. Others come from girls that are too bsuy being afriad that's whats happening when its not. So at least I"m not living a big fat lie. I just want to have nothing to do with it because it's just a weird annoyance to my life. And if that's all it was, it would be easy for me but people and emotions get attached and it's complicated. I just want to step out of the whole situation and wish I never talked to a being in my life, and crawl back to my imaginary wonderworld. If youre going to live a lie at best, you better live a happy lie. I'm sick of internet sites and people constnatly contacting and messaging me and writing on my wall and blabhlah. It is too much to keep up with. It really stresses me out. I dont have time to respond to everyone, I want to but it's naturally not one of my priorities. I feel like a jerk how many people I need to respond to but haven't. Unfortuantely some people are so wrapped up in internet life that they consider it real life, and it is a form of etiquette I suppose, but I kind of want out. I find myself growing olde (still young but in a different way) and kind of bewildered by some things. It seems a path for the mediocre and to busy people with talking about talking. I want to start up new things... groups and discussions.. book groups and thinking tanks and big group dinner where we all listen to music and talk about it. Or watch a film and talk about it. The way I envision social interaction is completely different from how it actually pans out in real life. It has nothing to do with being political, just meaningful and real and face to face and emotional. People are supposed to be afraid to express emotions. It is supposed to indicate weakness and lack of self-control. That's boring. I only really care about the individuals looking for a better path and willing to push forward when they find it. I walk down the street and look at beautiful houses and picture myself living in them. I picture the art for the walls and the bookshelves and what each bedroom will be like. What my kitchen table will look like and who will be in it. 12:14 am - 11.13.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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