vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Inter Outer take
So I pretty much had a total breakdown last night from just feeling totally overwhelmed in general about everything. "Feeling totally in general about everything", I guess is "overwhelmed." I Couldn't sleep, so I got out of bed , planned a schedule for myself and wrote a get-down-to-businessy and later heart-felt email to my mom. Which made me feel a lot better. I think I just need to release everything on paper. That is exactly what Im doing now. So... I have 2 papers that I have to do for next week. They are researchy, so I am getting a lot of books tomorrow. I'm taking all of the night off to research. I had a really crazy day today. I find just having to walk everywhere is really frustrating. I want everyhting at my finger tips and distance is just this annoying fuzz I have to push through and does nothing but waste my precious time. Which sucks. That sounds so fucking ridic and petty. Living life feeling like that sucks, especially when you're actually pretty privileged and lucky. So I'm trying to keep things in perspective. I don't have AIDS. No one in my family is dying. I have people who care about me and good friends. I don't have a job (which is , for me, intended and I am so privileged to be able to do that [not work]). etc. Geoff came over tonight and it was nice. Actually, he surprise-met me while walking home and it was really sweet. We came here and just lazed around and chatted. I'm glad I got something off my chest. It sort of bothers me to know he's lived with someone after dating them for 2 months, and yet we've been together 2 years and he doesnt want to live with me. I can't help but feel a bit jipped. Granted, I don't think it's time yet for us to move in togeths just quite yet, but it's just the principle is what has gotten me for awhile. Which I guess is dumb. But when you keep these things in your mind, it kind of snowballs and pops out. So we had a good talk about that and I feel a lot better. I think for the most part we are pretty mature with our relationship but sometimes we can totally be the mega hyper opposite of that. well I can't speak for Geoff but I know that I am prettyyyy immature sometimes. Which I think spawns from this constant insecurity looming over me for reasons I think we all know. Sometimes I just totally cross the rationality-fence and high tail it into cuckoo-ville. It's taken a toll on me but I'm tired and I'm growing and I know it's just something I am going through and need to go through right now. Yeah. We both have some growing up to do, well I know I do, but I'm learning so much. I can't believe how much I've learned this past year... who knows what's next. Exciting. So... I have my new house. It's okay. There are french doors in my room that I never knew about. THe last girl covered them up, because they look into the living room. But they also look out to the balcony which I like. So I'm thinking about somehow making a curtain. And I want to be pretty on my own, like not get too integrated with my roommates. I'm really happy this one girl is moving out because she seems really annoying and way too bubbly. I like living with chill girls. Not boring... but chill. "Chill." c.h.i.l.l.a.y. Money Money Money sucks. I am broke-o beyond belief-o. I have to go to the bank tomorrow to get my credit upped. For Montreal! which im pretty excited about. I'm mostly excited to go on a vacation with geoff! We've wanted to do this since I can remember. It will be really nice for each of us and our relationship i think. I'm growing more trusting. I should'n't be afraid to care or love. I shoul'dn't be afraid to get attached,and the answer to my problems shouldnt ever be to just retreat into myself. I need people and people need me (....haha). I just want the biggest of things , in my own world, and I want the biggest of love. This is a secret but I think Geoff is the big love for me. I'm not 100% sure, but... I can't help but go back to that time he was eating a chocolate bar on that crowded subway smiling making jokes while everyone was stressing like losers in their suits. That's a man I wanna be wif. My body feels like it's holding on for dear life to maintain ehalth. My muscles ache blahblah. Whine whine wah barf. I'm going to bed. 1:17 am - 04.05.07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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