vaneigem's Diaryland Diary

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Have Been Had, I

goal: record your entire day as you see fit.


THE DAY I GOT HAD
LA JOUR QUE J'SOMETHING SOMETHING
BY / PAR JLC

Events
1. Two nights ago: Joking to Jimym Limit about being stabbed alone in my house.
Role: Constant dictator lifelong fear.
Reason for mention: Constant life longfear. Looms as a cautionary tale.
2. Attendance of first drive-in. Movies viewed: You , Me, and DUpree; Pirates of the Carribean II. Both: Pieces of shit. Exempted from claim: Matt Dillon. Should I shoot myself before jack sparrow dies? Negatory. Thought again. Negatory.
3. Post-activity: Watching Aaron smoke pot. Receive light headedness from proximal distance. Feel nauseous. Pregnant? I stress. Nausea intensifies. Why does one smoke pot simply while watching a movie? I stress.
4. Drive down dark creepy rural road.
5. Arrive at my creepy hosue with one light on.
6. Witness: Creepier x 10000 rundown car parked outside my house at 2:10am. Thought: beginning stage of materialized nightmare.
7. Stop in driveway with highbeams blazing, watch to see if any figures move in the windows of my home. Stop and shake. Slowly back out of driveway. I stress.
8. Mark down license plate number: AWMT 771.
9. Circle block twice.
10. Freak the fuck out
11. Travel back to Belleville. Time: 3:30am.
12. Tim Hortons; closed. Others; closed. Last one to check; gloriously open. NEver such a sweet name existed: Sir Timothy Horton.
13. Order: sandwich. coffee
14. Sit there and write from 3:30am-5:45am.
15. Contents of writing.:

WILL (totally incomplete)---->

Parents: All money I have left is to be given to them. They must go on a trip to Europe together and each get something meaningful for which they can both enjoy or something each has always wanted to do. Sum is determined after my only living grandmother has been bought a grand piano. Not enough for her dream apartment overlooking the ocean--sorry.

Michelle: my black chair, my art (scratched out), [spaces], [secret contents in secret location left in childhood bedroom under stomething]

Trevor: my books, something else [question mark, spaces]

Bernice: my quilt+shams, my diaries, my matryoshkas

Geoffrey: my teddy bear given to me at birth (with permission to just throw it out), my ring (you know the one)

Funeral Wishes: lots of crying (scratched out)
Preferred location: near grandfather christie
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08.08.06.
Sitting here at a coffee shop. Im inthe small conrner parallel to some other weird guy in here. The city is dead. This si the only place that is open. It's nearing 3:30am. Scared as shit. Sure is the last time I take care of my parents' house alone. I There is a strange parked care outside omy house. In the country this is highyl unusual. Freaked me right out. I'm way too scared to even consider to go in. I'm writnig on a comment service card so everyone is working hard becasue tehy saw me grab them. I must look stressed. Probably think I'm giving them shitty ratings. THe one is getting close so she can see what I'm writing. I bet she doesn't know I'm writing about her. I'm gonna fill one of these out for real and give realy positive feedback to all the workers. Sure wish soemone was staying at this house with me. This nice lady made me a sandwich. It's pretty OK. Think im gonna stay here for a few hours. Pepole are looking at me like I'm crazy. So tired. Aaron and I went to the drivein tongiht. A movie I had already seen and pirates-- film is awful. This is hell. I feel like a pussy. I'm going to get some doughnuts and head to the washroom after all those diet cokes. It was so cool to see Aaron. He's fun. I just wish he didn't smoke so much pot. He toned down the flamboyance which I think is great because it masks his cool personality when he caters to that cliche. I think the coffee is kicking in. Sure am glad my parents are comign back tomrororw. This sucks. I want to be in TOrnoto. The moon is one night away from benig full-- looks like a beachball. Maybe I should phone the police. I don't know what to do I am either being paranoid or some asshole wth a shitty car is gettnig jipped because my parents dont have much valuables. Wish I had a shotgun right now. Felt nausea before maybe Im psyhcic. Sure hope those burglars dont take that book im reading right now. I like it . This is the age where we start to think about our futures but it's not quite appropriate. It is like starting to date a boy in grade 6 and talking about marriage.

16. Slowly getting light out. Proceed to the shore of the bay of quinte. Approach a beautiful dock that extends quite far into the bay. There are 3 benches at the end of the dock; all empty. I walk down the dock. The water is purple because the pink sky mixes with the blue water. I watch a sunset for teh first time. I cry. It feels like I am going to die today. Completely unconnected to previous events of the evening. Slowly watching the sun appear out of nothing is the most emotional experience I have ever had. I cry thinking of a decision I have to make. THe sun felt so huge like it was a psychic answering my question, but I coudlnt understnad it. My blurred vision allowed me to see how hot the sun was and the coloured rays which extended from it.

17. Completely satisfied and needing no more from the water and swooping birds, I walk around the dock, and about half-way down a trail leading to it. From it. The time is 6:20am. I feel completely retarded down this trail, as it is marked which side to walk on. As if it were a mini street. In defiance I walk on the wrong side and laugh inside. A runner runs by me, and I realize this is much too much. Much too much is a good phrase. Exit park. Proceed to parked TRUCK.
18. Put on a tape. I think, today is my time to die. I listen to the Ramones. Once again, I laugh inside.
19. The Ramones' punk rock music and my recent beautiful expereince, gives me the confidence to go back to my house and kill those motherfuckers inside my home. MY HOME. NOT YOURS. Drive faster in anticipation. See neighbour drive away for work. Freak out because he is who i was going to get to come with me into my house, or talk about whose sketchy fucking car is still there. Get out of car, check all doorways and windows around house. No apparent break/enters. LIft garage door. Notice axe beside other random pieces of wood. Clutch axe-- very heavy. Pick up simba, hold big axe. Unlock door, open it, and then run away like a pansy. Can't do it.
Run into neighbour;;; she says this man stopped around 9pm last night with a broken down car. He got picked up by some guy. Matter solved. A bit disappointed, I go into my house anyway with axe. check all rooms and closets. House is clear.

Now I'm going to play basketball. THe time is now 8:25am.

I know why I feel like I'm going to die. Ive made my decision, I know my decision.I have the wind knocked outta me and Im scared and would rather not do it. LIke not going into that house!! Or wanting to shoot myself in the face before caring about jakc sparrow. Excpet opposite. Its always a-cummin together.

NOTE: i am writing a will. what i have written has nothing to do with anything it was late and it was a brainstorming for 10 minutes. it isnt about being a loser and truly thinking i am going to die for real, it is just to say that i want certain things done if i ever die and i want them carried through. i dont believe that only old people should have wills. writing it will make me feel able to live life more dangerously!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LATER 10:14am: just as I walked outside , a tow truck was outside pulling that creepy car away. I played basketball it was fun After that i laid on the grass, pet my cat, and then went out to my forest. It was very thick so i brought a jacket with these just so happenedly big pockets. I am walking to the usual place, bullrush marsh as we called it where the abandoned canoe is, its cool, whatever, i look around, and began walking back and i stumble upon somethign that looks like a giant mushroom. COOL! I brush it with my foot because mushrooms have a cool texture adn its rock hard. i look closer, and see TEETH and an EYE socket. ladies and gent i have found a SKULL. I look closer, and there are bones.... teeeth.... and other bones i dont know the names of. My fucking god. what an overwhelmingly fucked up day. And I havent even slept yet. Anyway, i picekd up most of the bones and put them in my pocket. i figure jimmy might like those if he does bedcause hes into bones n dead n shit and is put in situations where it will come in useful for him than if i had them. if not then ill just keep them and clean them. i am def keeping one piece to put on a necklace. it is weird as shit. i am trying now to figure out what tuype of skull it is on the internet adn i had to log into this and mark it down. It is funny--- all that talk about death, and tehn i walk out and stumble upon a skull.