vaneigem's Diaryland Diary

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Hip hip hurrah

So here's how I see it--- you can either be a dickwad and lead a boring vague journal becasue you feel youre above it. Or you can just face the facts, and realize youre a dickwad with a journal on the internet.

I was on the porch tonight and thought that I'd liek to write about my daily life more like I used to. College life makes me lazy. You don't have enough time to think so its just an endless cycle of going to bars with epople staring off into space and meeting girls at coffee shops who want their lives to be like sex in the city. I dont think I wanna hear about your difficulty in giving a blow job. Well, sometimes I do.

Im jsut being cynical about it, but it does feel constraining sometimes. I sure do like to listen to people than talk about my own problems. Sure do prefer writing it out than trying tot alk about it.

Anyway today was okay. I didnt do much but shop around and try to occupy myself. I decided to go down to this bookstore downtown but the place is never open. I live between 2pm-4am and this store seems to disagree strongly with that. I feel like an asshole buying shit at chapters . I guess i'll just wait it out. Im planning to get up early tomorrow to have anice morning on my porch and drink some coffee. WHat i plan to buy is "evertything is illuminated". i decided to settle for the film which just makes me want to read it even more. That alex character is pretty genius. This store I am waiting on to agree with me is right across from "Mode Elle." Do you want to be a model? Well come on down, to downtown belleville! For a mere $4,000 we can give your child the confidence she needs!

I love this place.

Toronto's just fine. Theres a lto of culture happening everywhere, i dont feel much pressure to contribute. Bellevlle is desperate. Makes me want to work hard. Everyone works really hard to get by. I work really hard to become something different, to get out. Not from the city, but from that mentality. It carries through to cities. Assholitis. Coming here is a slap in face and it feels good. Not in this martyr way, but I feel responsible for everyone.

I went to no frills today to get some food for the cheapest I could find it. People seemed to be staring at melike im a martian. Some girl who went on my old bus to school when I was little used to give me a really hard time because I was basically a mute child. She was there, sweeping the floor in the produce section. Ha ha piece of shit! THat was great. She looked at me and I smiled and kept walking. I also went to walmart to get some bobby pins. Full of abusive dads yellnig at their kids to "get in the fucking car" . Walmartians. Ran into this girl anna, who was a punker back in the day but now she's pregnant and is marrying a guy in one of the bands that played. She's gotten big. She's a bit upset because some people dont approve of her pregnancy even though she wanted it. I felt bad for her. I told her to just do what she wants to do and waht makes her happy. Everyone else can get fucked. Its such a cliche to run into old friends all knocked up walking aroudn in walmart, but its just the way shit goes. This town is 1/2 hicks and 1/2 totally awesome, real, kind people.

Came back home, I drive about 15 minutes north to get to my vilalge where i live. its not even a village, just a rural area. it was great. My parents' house in the countryside is beautiful. It looks really beautiful especially in the summer. I am here by myself. I could have probalby phoned a few friends , but none of the really closest ones are here right now. I just wnated a night to myslef. I made a salmon burger and had some wine. Listened ot music and read this book i'm really into right now. Simple. I feel great.

I have a lot to think about right now so this all came at the right time. My life has changed quite a bit. I'm excited to get back to Toronto again. I needed this vacation time to get back head on to things.

Things are different now. I wasted my time on this guy for a year who said that he didnt date cool girls. I'm too grounded. At frist i was really sad and bummed out over it. But the more I thought about it , the more how fucked up and wrong that was. I'm pretty glad im grounded enough to realize that its lame and someoen just trying to cop out as if theyre more complicated than what they are. That couldve really fucked me up . WEll, to be honest it has. It is the reason you probablyh havent heard from me in along tmie. It doesnt have much to do about this particular person but I think it is a reaction to meeting my own disillusionment face to face. Freaky. But if i was a guy id never say that to a girl. Instead it sort of made me realize that you just have to do what you do, and if anyone doesnt like it then they can get fucked. Now I'm ambivalent toward the whole situation. Thats over. At least Ive learned from it.
I wasn't going to mention it ever to anyone but for some reason I felt compelled to write about it now.
I dont care.

It's really lame when people try to be weird and disconnected because they think it's cool. It's nothing other than just being weird. It's retarded. Go be weird on someone else's time.

Anyway im going to see my best friend tomorrow in kingston. shes really excited about it so it's making me extra stoked. im driving a truck so let's hope i dont get smoked and die.

My sister writes me nasty emails because I dont have an answering machine. She gets angry over these minuscule things. I've tried the apologizing profusely thing.. I've treid the chilled out I love you thing... I've tried the confronting standing up for yourself thing... no dice. It's to the point where I'm afraid to walk in a certain way. If I walk behind her and her boyfriend, it's me feeling sorry for myself and making her decide to wakl with him or me. Fucked up. I don tthink i have the brains to ever think of that. She later apologizes and says she does it because she needs to take things out on other people sometimes. That's not really an excuse in my world. I've tried everything. It's not like its a casual friend wher eyou can be like ok whoa see you later psycho. It takes a serious toll on me and it hurts a lot. All you can do is just take it in. It makes me feel like a bag of shit. Whatever! I'm sure it's just a rough time and will pan over. i try to be a better person from it , like ok this person is calling me on my shit and that is cool that they arent putting up with it. but now im realizing that it has nothing to do with me at all.

I went out to the lake the other night adn it was the most beautiful time i've had in toronto. A swan appeared. it was hilariously... well, corny. But sweet and thoughtful.

I saw the film Fanny and Alexander. It's taken me two days to get through everything. Im in love with it. I think it's one of the greatest movies I've seen. Tonight I think I'm watching some interviews. The end has these lines:

"Everything can happen. Everything is possible and probable. Time and space do not exist. On a flimsy framework of reality, The imagination spins, weaving new patterns."

Im going to do something now.

Take it easy

10:10 pm - 08.04.06

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