vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- frenz there are certain types of friends that use you for things. its funny the way that happens. i became close with this couple, casey and kath recently. they had broken up, kath sort of wanted to play the field because shes young and things between them were getting too serious etc etc balhblah. kath started coming over a lot and hanging out with me and would always rail on me if i was busy doing soemthing else. i spent a lot of time talking to her and sort of keeping her in check aka to not being a total jerk about breaking up with casey. casey started coming to me to things, and we had these long talks in his room about stuff, kind of emotional almost because what he went through was sort of what i went through in may. it took a lot out of me to go back to that time in my life, seeing what he was experiencing so i really wanted to like help him because a lot of people helped me through it. i know thats a bit petty and lame but all im saying is that its like if i experience something that i know is hard, and i care about someone who is going through that same thing, im gonna talk to them about it and give them advice etc if they want it. i spent A LOT of time and he stopped by constantly worried about what was going to happen, anxiety attacks basically. i really started tofeel for casey and we became really close (friendly close) sort of in sharing those feelings. anyway, now they are together, and i just came in from being out and casey kind of is like hey hows it going ok well bye etc really blunt greetings. and its just like i helped that dude out so much and i just feel totally used aobut it. i read this thing about how a lot of people choose their actions out of fear, fear of insecurity etc, even with jobs and school etc. i think the same goes for friends, the fear to be alone. im really happy that i can be happy on my own, just knowing and learning that is really better than jumping from person to person all the time. there was this guy in my high school who just went from girlfriend to girlfriend, maybe 3 throughout high school but they were immediate because he was too afraid to be alone. its sad and that only reinforces that fear. its like this thing i read in a tom robbins novel about how certain actions of "seeking" can be a form of "hiding." i was really fortunate in blvl to learn what true friendship means, like i guess that sounds really corny but seoriusly like i have this group of 6 people who i really care about so genuienly and i know they care for me the same way and it is almost weird when we hang out because everytime is the best night of our lives. a lot of us dont even listen to the same music, or dress the same, or ever talk about art or literature or movies etc, it's like, honestly, i dont even know what we talk about. thats what is so weird about it. i think this is mainly from the fact that there is fuckall to do in blvl so we kind of just ended up spening time with each other without distractions but just ourselves . i feel almost the same way about some people here in toronto and im really glad ive been able to make friends here. i havent been here too long yet but i reall appreciate what i have developed for myself here. so this is that, i lvoe friends. ijust got home from jackies birthday weekend thing about 30 minutes ago , it was fun times. red lobster ultimate feasts are amazing and dr mario at johnnys house and red room ho ho. it was great to see people, trevor jackie jimmy johnny tony mel allison rory trisha eric regan and new people too etc. all good genuine but FUN people. im not sure why im writing in this thing but i just sort of had that encounter with casey that bummed me out and then i got a really amazing email from my best frien bee in kingston that almost made me cry, and that juxtaposition was really funny and interesting to me. 3:36 am - 01.28.06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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