vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- roruororhorhorhorh i just sort of noticed i have very little metal music which kind of surprises me but then it makes sense becuase i never bought the albums because i went to like a metla show once a week. for some reason in my bored stupor today i decided to check out that lame message board for toronto music and went to the belleville one. its sad now. there was a thread about what happened to all the bleleville people / bands and where they are now. nostalgia can be very destructive. i think for me looking back on it, its really nice because it was part of my life you know, but these kids aren't even doing anything, theyre just hearing about the "golden age"of when shit actually happened. it ruled! i had pretty much the funnest best time growing up in that community. i wouldnt change anythinga bout my childhood not even my whole dad thing because it just made me stronger. anyone who has ever given me shit in my life i am the most careful with. you have to try your hardest if its for something you respect but then you get to a point where everything is beyond your control and it gets to the point where its almost wrong for you to respect it anymore. it hurts me sometimes to see people go through stuff that i went through and you want to help them but its almost best for them to just get it over on their own. katherine and i went out tonight for caseys birthday. i wasn't planing on going out at all. actually iw as and i was really stoked about tonight and then it sort of like bombed in my face somehow and i just got bumemd and didnt want to go anywhere. luckily i have good friends to drag me out. it was fun. casey is a really good guy. i work with both of them. the night before i had to go to this work thing, and some of my roommates were going and i wasn't really doing anything so i sort of felt obligated. some christmas work/innis party. it was, yknow, generally shitty but pretty funny and fun in some ways. i really miss my home a lot. that day that i was supposed to go out with my mum and grandmum also blew up in my face. when i had one of those flu things, my mum didnt think i could make it but sent me the info incase i felt better. i did, but she forgot to put the time they met int he email, which i received the day they were coming. so i decided to go wait for them at the train station. i dont think anyone has ever appeared waiting at the train station when i arrive ever, once my ex boyfriend was there on my departure and that was really nice, i always appreciated company at arrivals and departures, there is something romantic about it. so i thought it would be nice to do it, and it was my only option to go to see them. so their train was late so i waited in the train station for an hour. finally it arrives and all these people are walking by and im examining each one to make sure its not my mum, im just desperately looking for my mom and i couldn't find her. there is somehting fundamnetally wrong about not being able to find your mum, especially when you are sick and it works out perfectly in your head. so i had to come back here to check machine for messages, nothing. email, nothing. my sister wasn't talking to me because she was being petty. i phoned my dad and tried to keep it cool and calm and be all heyy whats up where is mum huh but then as he was asking questions i just started ccrying and then he got pissed at my mum for upsetting me and then i felt bad. i phoned him back and said it was just a miscommunication adn these things happen. regardless of how bad i felt in that respect, it really upset me about not being able to see my mom. the issue was bigger than the situation at hand. it represented something a lot larger, yknowywlknow. i talked to her the next day and she sent me a huge email apologizing. my mom is the best and that's never happened before. even when i was young, my parents were NEVER late picking me up for anything, NEVER forgot anything, i felt bad cuz i know how bad my mum felt cuz she really feels strongly about that sort of stuff. i am fucking DYING. i am fucking DYING FOR TREES and our FIELD! my FRIENDS! matt is having DEATHSLED party on boxing day with me, jesse axl, kelly, nick, bernice, eric, the other matt, laura, andre, etc blahblhabl. it'll be a lot of fun. i haven't seen matt in maybe 3 years. in high school he was like the male version of alicia silverstone / trip from virgin suicides. everyone laughed behind his back about how he was dumb but i always thought he was actually really really smart in this simple way. like something a professor would write about full of intellectual jargon he could probably express in several words with "likes" and "uhhs" and "yknow" sprinkles on the top. cool guy. we are seeing jesse off to amsterdam. about my arrival departure thing, im planning on surprising him as he leaves in toronto in early january but i dont think im going to tell him. he's a good friend. ive been pretty busy lately and havnig fun. i went to see chronicles of narnia with three close girl friends yesterday. i slipped out the fact that our babies are going to be friends. anyway, the movie was really good and i cried like about 5 times. death happening is still hard to watch , like seeing people mourning over death. im really selfish about it. images of my own life come in rather than trying to empathize with other people. i cant help it. i have been in the process of writing my grandfather a letter for the past 3 months. its about 2 pages long so far. i need to have it done soon. when i go back to belleville im going to his grave and burning it and burying it under the frozen soil. its soomething that i have to do. that whole day was like a fucking dream. ive never seen men in my life cry like that. ive never cried infront of people like that. funeral processes are fucking stupid. the people who mourn the most have to stand infront of their dead relative and calm down other people who didn't give a shit about your grandfather and you have to pretend to care when all you want to do is cry. its almost been a year today. i wouldnt consider that im still grieving but the whole experience has left me genuinely... severely disturbed. anyway, ive also been practicing the piano a couple hours a day. i am working on la dispute by yann tiersen, it was in amelie. i know i wknow but its easy and i like it and easy to remmeber. i think itd be nice to play for my nana or someone who i like equally as much. this is a rough journal entry! i swear i am doing really well. i guess a few bad things have happened and i dont really like to talk about people abou tit becuase i feel that im whining or complaining and i regurgitate it in here. COOL 2:16 am - 12.11.05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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