vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After a long while, just a touch, just a tip.
I'm working on some stuff myself, it's small and bad and rough and full of mistakes. I wrote about half a song this summer. It's hard, but a lot of fun. Geneva has bene helping me quite a bit, with metallic kind of stuff. I'm just learning how to do it. I do kind of like to talk about it alot buecase I think it's actually, despite what I just said, relatively easy compared to how I thought it was made and I'm thinking a lot of people think the same ways. At the same time it's unfortunate that there is this like stigma towards making music, like, we aren't supposed to talk about it if we do it, we're supposed to have this specific level of modesty or else you are just crossing the line and are a big bragger and need to die, blahbha. I thinkthat's bullshit. I mean, yeah i guess it's annoying when someone talks about their band all the time but it depends on the context. It's cool to talk about it as if youre making spaghetti, like, "i made spaghetti last night. i used oregano and spices, it was delicious. i topped it off witha glass of wine and rye, pretty cool, pretty excited for you to try it." kind of thing except like about making songs. Same with art. And I feel conflicted becuase im really shy about that stuff. I hate making peoel feel uncomfortable, it makes me feel probably 10x more uncomfortable than tehy probably do. I like to just avoid situations where I am putting people in uncomfortable positions, like hey, listen to my shitt y song, now you have to tell me how much you like it. It sjust this line i really hate to cross. once i'm over it, i lvoe it, run an effing marathon. it's sort of like kissing somebody for the first time i guess. you are scared shitless and then you kind of just do it, and then you want to do it all the time and then you are queen makeout, hey whats up. Its like what if i am crossing boundaries and i am putting this person though all this stress of like having to be like "Hello, i'm sorry. I dont want to kiss you." and then everyone is just awkward. im sure it happens to some people. but when it's like you know it's welcome, it'slike heyyy whats up. what was i talking about again? music? fuck. i'm totally in this like stage of studying for shit. welcome to my diaryland. i like diaries and i am more open in this piece of shit and ive written in one of these things since i was like 14 or something cuz i think it sjust cool to record your life and i think i sort things better out in my brains thtat way. im working on my typos school is pretty cool, i actually really like what i do, it feels good you know. its weird looking back on high school days, skipping and breaking shit adn going to parties and shows and lying to my parents really bad. that song by the runaways i was listening to and its weird, because its like yeah that's me, but it so was not me, because i made the honour roll every year and i read like karl marx and baudrillard and debord in my spare time, and like i was "into" "deconstruction" and got effing awards and teachers loved me, mostly beuacse i was just polite and have pretty good manners and most kids at my high shcool didn't really. i don't know, i really can understand how school just ins't for some people, and for me, i think its really for me at this point and im really into it. not school, but just, like, what i "study," i guess. i have a lot of respect for people who go to art school,a dnd drop out and pursue other things, for me i think someitmes im in this just because im going with the flow to be honest. its improtant for me to reflect on it and make sure i love what i do. its easy to get caught up in stacks of books and course enrolments and deadlines and forget why the fuck you do it in the first place. bernice is a close friend. i wrote her a 7k email at work last night telling her my deepest secrets. i told her about my dad, i don't think i ever told her. just because he is changing and stuff, we are actually gettin ga long and i was telling her how nice it is to feel that. he was relaly there for me and despite some unfortuante shit that hpapened in my life, im really thankful for him being there for me in certain aspecets and it feels really fucking good. have a wonderful day. 11:13 pm - 08.13.05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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