vaneigem's Diaryland Diary

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the winter things melt to better things

this week has been kind of hard for me.
coming back to this house, these rooms, these walls and floors.
they're so much more than that, they carry a lot of anxiety, fear, anger, sadness, happiness, laughter, fun...
i find it overwhelming to be surrounded in it all again, but these past few days i've been stuck out in the country. i have no car and no bike. i've been walking around, cleaning, setting up my room, etc. it's almost like i'm living in an entirely new place; not returning to home sweet home. if anything, i have to completely reappropriate it to make it into something else that i can accomodate to.
i have really changed.
a lot is old news.
a lot is new news that a lot of people don't know about me.
it's been making me feel really grown up.
my mother told me that her and my father have realized that i'm a grown up now, and that i can do whatever i want this summer, go wherever i want. this made me really happy, and things are so much better than from when i last lived here. and the tthing is, it has really made me feel like an adult. i remember right before i turned 11 years old, i wrote all over my things, something like "it's great to be 10 years old!" to remind me of those great amazing wild 10-year-old-times? i mean, i really thought i would miss being 10 years old, and 11 was this scary number i always tried to avoid.
the other day i sort of got into this other round of that. what the fuck am i going to do with my life? what the fuck am i majoring in? lots of scary fucking decisions. but whatever. i'm taking it one year at a time, and i'm going to seek out more opportunities.
it's really weird. it's hilarious to remember that last july, i got in my car and little didi know that nothing would ever be the same. falling in love for me for the first time has been really... crazy and amazing. for some reason i get close to tears just thinking about it. geoff and i really came to know each other this school year. in september we were not fully aware of each other, i don't think.. we really did grow up together and took care of each.. gone through a lot of crazy shit...and have become really close because of that. we are best friends. sometimes i just can't fathom, i can't even touch him sometimes. i'd prefer not to. sometimes things are too beautiful to touch, or want to touch. sometimes you think if you touched it, you'd break it, every part is just so amazing and delicate. so fragile, yet unmovable and solid. yet i'm so embarrassed to even mention or acknowledge it at times.
i'm still passionate about a lot, but never ever can any of it add up to something like july eighth, 2003.

i played piano today. i am working on a song for the summer that hopefully i'll get by the end of june. the easy parts are easy, the hard parts are hard. there are white and black keys, and fingers to match the corresponding notes. it's crazy to note that every single thing about that is arbitrary. the colours of the keys, their rectangular shape, the straight lines in the theory, the letters of the notes, the name "notes", the "chair" i am sitting on. maybe even the sounds that come together. so much is arbitrary and yet we fail to remember even if we are aware of it.
i try to go out of my way at all costs to avoid the mundanity of everyday life.
i remain energetic, and happy, i'm happy that i can breathe and see things.
it's all a lot easier and simpler than we think.

i made a fake chanel shirt today on a juice-stained tank top. it's relaly funny.

i'm incredibly content and appreciative right now.

the other night i dreamt that i had to find a secret skull in a big box of rice. i foudn the skull and this man then started pouring bleach on my legs. haha? i saw my skin getting lighter and lighter, and it burned so much! i remember actually feeling the pain! that had never happened to me in my dreams before. the man who was with me told me it was to rid me of the curse of this skull or something. i don't remember what happened later, i just thought it was really funny.

8:56 pm - 05.05.04

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