vaneigem's Diaryland Diary

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You're still too far away

OH DEAREST MEGHAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh dear meghan!
deary dear!

you are beautiful the love of my love i mean life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
genius of all geniuses!!!! go do yr thing and take over the world cuz NO ONE KNOWS about it except for you! (/and me.)so DO IT! do it, do IT do IT. and you will cure this horrible, horrifying thing we call THE WORLD
oh dearest beautiful meghan!!! you are an imaginary beam of sunlight and you are SO MUCH like JAZZY JEWELERY and make everything so beautiful and good! oh but the darkness between us! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO.
i need a gloriousfluffymeghanhug. deary dear i miss you baby cakes.
I AM IN A ROMANTIC LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP AND BABY IT HURTS

it rain today and i ate
OUP.

dear mom and dad, how long do you cook ____________ for??!?!?!!!!!!! cuz i don't want it to go all BAD and stuff, but really mom and dad, why must an unedible food be "bad"? I think you should both think about what you did. and then come talk to me about it.
(loveyoumissyousayhitomycat)

i had the best night since being in toronto. LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT.
i had dinner and then was hanging out in my room, you know, giving my bad taste in music a little paula abdul. then i get a ring from the front desk that paul is here for me! ahh! i was in like raggedy things so i threw on some clothes and ran down!
PAUL PAUL PAUL. dearest paul. my paul is so so fun, so great.
he was going to hang out with some friends and decided that he'd check up with them in a bit cuz he wanted to talk to me
we sat on a picnic table and discussed what was happening in our lives. our concerns/issues, passions/frustrations, etc.
i love paul and how he asks me, "so what have you been thinking about lately?" or "what has been happening in your life?" and this look comes on his face, as if he is trying to like BURN through my EYES. i love it! FINALLY someone socially considerate/appropriate, upfront, and genuine in TORONTO. my god.
we decided to go for a walk and explore.. he showed me some beautiful places. so then we went out and ran around tons of places. we went into parks and ran on hills and played bunny hop and played let's-be-prime-ministers and walked through beautiful gates then we went to the streets and i had my SECOND SLURPEE EVER and then he said "wanna get falafel at the BEST place ever?"
and we both said: SARAH"S!!!!!!!!!!!!
gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
PAUL.
we ate falafels on the curb, we started our very own "SCENE" based on a secret handshake that YOU ARE NOT PERMITTED TO UNDERSTAND, COMPREHEND, OR KNOW (unless i love you.).
he kept saying "you are so precious!"!!haha!
we went to his place and he put on candles(!!!) in his room and we sat on the couch and listened to music(!!!) and talked until 2am(!!!!).
DREAM. seriously, one of THE best nights i've ever had, EVER.
there are about... hm. 4 people who i feel that i really really connect with &he is one of them.

so yeah. i really needed tonight.
i have been pretty depressed and so has he. just the people here. ever since the lameo vice thing, i have felt really down and dumpy. everyone seems so contrived. i feel like i don't fit in anywhere, it's like in school when there's some group project assigned, and there's always that one odd kid left out after everyone has been paired up. i, obviously, feel like that kid. i started to really miss my friends and i still do. (ie meghan, refer to top of entry PLEASE. i am going INSANE without her). i miss them. to death. like... a lot.

yeah. and last night i went out with michelle b/c she ahd to pick up her jacket at nick's and then we went over to sydney's so i could meet her..
find out it's actually a PARTY
i kind of had a minor freakout.
michelle and i were in the entrance alone for a few seconds and i told her i just had to go and i didn't feel like being around people
she knows how i get sometimes so she understood
i get terrified around large groups of people sometimes.
cuz usually all i really wanna do at those things is just sit/stand by myself and watch everyone and just observe and think.
i don't know whats wrong with me
i get really mad sometimes and just leave. when i don't feel comfortable somewhere, i leave. paul and i were discussing this tonight.

tonight was amazing. it felt good to confide in someone. and i don't think enough of us sit down together and just... TALK. and i mean HEAVY talking for HOURS. no distractions, eye to eye. it's therapy for me
i drown myself in a sea of heads all day at my 1,000+people classes, staring at some dude with a microphone on a stage
we go to shows, watch movies, talk about designers, talk about other music, about others' art, babhlabhla, etc etc
either way, yr just putting yrself in another sea of heads.
i'm tired of being a fucking... head. and tonight was good. we shared ideas and thoughts and opinions and feelings and really personal things...

i'm having a lot of personal issues lately.

it feels good to trust somebody. paul.

so wow. fuck.

3:00 am - 09.28.03

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