vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SYMPOSIUM It feels like I've bene updating this more than usual. I never got around to making that blog thing but I will. I am kind of a private person so doing this blog thing feels werid and lamost pointless. On LJ I can make stuff friends only so I know that my enemies are not reading. I don't think I have enemies but I"m sure there are quite a few girls who don't like me who I've been bitchy to for a variety of reasons.So what still draws me to it though is that I can't even really be private here. It feels as though, call me crazy, the internet is making our lines of communication more and more fragmented. If you think about it, I don't know, when I started out on the internet I had a personal thing. I can't really remember too much but I remember girls personal ezines were about putting shit up like your art and your writing and the act of actually designing a decent website from scratch. all those old hosts now are dead. all the sites are dead and where are the people? it's a mass produced cookie cutter version on myspace, facebook. I love both but its kind of shitty. a part of me wants to not use those sorts of interfaces. We get cut down to blog posts, thn faceboook statuses, and now it's tweeting. Which Ithink is cool . But too bad, kind of. I guess it's just sort of the whole thing about being curious if each of your friends had written a book about themselves, I would be fascinated and totally stoked to read everybody's, and to see it, adn feel it, and how they went about it, in what style, etc. The only thing I like about diarlyand is that it's for total losers adn that's what I like about it. It's been around since the beginning of time is just the fact. I attempted to do music tonight and it was a total utter failure. I am trying to change how I do stuff. The last song I did is good, because I used a different strategy and it worked, but this one part kind of kills me. i have to change it eventually.I need to figure out how to make a lot of ... noise. Noise taht sounds good. I want it to be bigger feeling but still lofi and minimal. Just with a bigger, fuller sound. If that is at all possible. At least for one song. I guess maybe like animal collective. There is a fucking lot going on, it is fucking big and full, but it's still very quiet. I am thinking of getting two samplers and using them together . I need to study more. There are certain things thatshould be sampledI think that is how it is done. I don't know, i read about these things and I dont really get how I can't sample with what I already have. I woul dlove a Qchord. I made my bark and it turned out nice. speaking more of hot ladies. i wouldnt say i have ever had difficulty with my sexuality but i have always had difficulty defining it. so i haven't. i like boys but i kind of like girls but not so sure like that totally and with commitment. like, i dont think i would ever have a relatinoship with a girl. i'm not sure if that's my genuine desire or a boring fear of escaping some societal norms speaking. it's kind of fucked up how the two get mixed no? i feel kind of lke I have feelings that other girls totally don't.i always wonder whether my feelings for women or certain owmen are "normal" or whether this constitutes that i should give up dick and be a lesbian forever. but i find i get crushes on girls like i would get a crush on a boy. like not just "wow she's beautiful" but more than that, i oculdn't explain it. it happens with very very few though. there have been maybe 4 or 5 girls . most of whom i do/did not know very well. i think my crush on a girl was when i was 15 and this girl working in the jungle in k. she had black hair and was totally cute. i think she had tattoos and was maybe 16 or 17.it's not just a funny "omg shes a babe i have a girlcrush" it's been more than that with these people. we all have these feelings and these definitions are the social constructions? i'm definitely way more into boys. but you know. my eyes are growing heavier. i found my jack london book under my bed. call into the wild is written from a dog's perspective. which is funny. i haven't read it yet. is it worth it? i got the book adn then researched him and got a little turned off. i guess a lot of his works he pumped them out for money and felt no emotional backing or attachment to some of his stuff. i ahven't gotten into it yet so i'm not sure if i like jack london yet . I wanted to get some art stuff done but I think I may wait until tomorrow to do that. well i'm not sure. i feel like i should keep more of these nightmares. my eyes are drooping. which byt he way, i'm really excited to go home. i saw a picture of him the other day and wanted noting more than to hold my baby! it's going to be really bad when simba dies. i feel like i should start kind of detaching from him very slowly. i know it's ahorrible thing to think about, but he's 13 years old now. so to that's 91 years old apparently in cat years. my cat is a 91 year old man. poor lil guy. i'm stoked though just for the christmassy vibe. i'm trying to make things christmassy aroudn here. 1:44 am - 12.20.08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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