vaneigem's Diaryland Diary

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i have been coming home and watching about an hour of tv. i find i just need to shut off and zone the fuck out when i get home. im not sure if it is exhaustion, or just so much going on at work, you always have to be on the ball 100% and a general desire just to be dead for an hour.

i have baked my cookies for the staff thank you tomorrow, i have prepared my card for dan, have him wine, i have to prepare my thank you note to tim, and for him i have a gift card from indigo? because he has a book club? im not sure if dan drinks. i am finishing the card shit, oh yeah, and i have to figure out what to write on my card to admin and to the staff and then im done. i can never think of those messages on the spot. i feel like a big douche writing really cliche shit that i don�t actually mean and it REALLY stresses me out when someone passes me a card and i have 1 minute to write something.


things are pretty good.
i went to jenny sbirthday party last night. i love my jenny. but sometimes i do not understand her, or the people she associates herself with. there awlays has to be some sort of drama going down. i guess everyone likes a taste of it here adn there but it is almost self-destructive with her. maybe she was jsut really drunk. anyway i saw a bunch of people. i am happy to have her as a friend. she is a great friend. i just remember thinking back on things, all the sweetest things she has done for me and dropped everything to support me and our friendship and i just believe truly in her friendship. if i ever got married she would be a brides maid, i think. 

i�m not sure if i mentioned, but bee came to visit me a few weeks ago. we have been best friends since grade 9. i would like to preface this by saying i love her and i think this is all just a rough patch. but i feel like in the slightest of ways that we are drifting apart. i just feel like we care about different things. i�m worried about hwere she�s placing her priorities. she used to be so fucking fun and hilarious and now she�s just so bent on being this perfect polite person doing grownup shit and taking care of her family and being at the beck and call of her work. that sounds a natural progression of being a 24 year old. i have been really supportive of her because we are talking her CAREER AND FAMILY but it is seriously getting a little strange. she has never moved out of her house. she got kicked out by her mom, and now has moved in with her dad and her dad�s new wife. she feels guilty about doing so so works on the farm all the time. she has not had a date in at least 4 years and is probably the most beautiufl woman in the world. i just worry that she is burying herself in responsibility and she seems almost afraid to go out and have fun or do something YOUNG. we are still young like lets fuck shit up. i dont know.
what really annoyed me though was a couple weeks ago, when i was really stressed with my practicum, she came down and we agreed to have a quick lunch. i imade it clear that i could only go for lunch, which was a stretch for the amount of work i had to do, but that i really wanted to see her. so she was an hour late, and didn�t call me until we were supposed to meet. when we did meet up, after her being an hour late, she barely talks to me and we�re like sitting on the streetcar and i�m trying to make conversation. she answers with one word and im just like uhh. she mentions she hasnt had coffee yet and so i chill out. she is abig foodie, and i have thought about for weeks where to take her, so we go all the way down to that gilaed place in corktown. it is amazing and i thought she would love it. it is foodie-material. we get there and she seems totally unimpressed and acts totally snobby about the place. she doesn�t even order real food but some sort of takeout platter that they have. then she takes me to a cheese supplier because of her job. she comes to toronto so she can personally pick i tup or order it or something. i just dont really get it. she barely talked to me at lunch. it hurt me because she seemed ambivalent to see me, but also because i had really gone out of my way to do all this and she just sits there making no effort. i guess a friendship should be undemanding. but. we got to this cheese supplier in gay town and as soon as she sees the owner dude, i guess spontaneously wakes up and has a HALF HOUR LONG intense conversation with him full of jokes and laughs and questions. like, you�re willing to talk now? i didnt get it. she treated me with hostility and ambivalence and some old fucking man she ahs a crush on comes along, she turns on the quality within her titled: Alert Human Being With Emotion.

i feel i am normally understanding about this stuff but i was really actually furious. it was a combination of everything. she also put me in a really awkward position, me with NO FUCKING MONEY, is like �jamie do you want to buy some cheese?� and im like ohh no i�m good and then shes like �really? its so good� infront of her business partner crush person and hes like �yeah! really?� and i was like ummm and wanted to jet the fuck out of there. sorry, i dont really care about spending $60 on cheese. i dont even fucking buy cheese. i fucking dont want to wait around for an hour while you talk about cheese either. have some respect nad let me know what you�re putting me in, in whcih case I won�t put myself in it! you know what im sayin. I�m just sayin i would NOT do that to her.

so we walked out and she goes back to her quiet self. she complains about toronto and shit and its just like i dont want to hear it. i walk in silence and i�m sure she can detect tha ti am mad.

oh yeah ALSO
she bought this fucking business guy a $300 gift basket, and tells me she forgot my birthday present. forgetting my bday present is one thing, i would never expect one, but to tell me you got me one and FORGOT it but remembered your imaginary cheese boyfriend�s $300 gift basket, is fucking dumb.
fuck me.

end of rant.

so my last day of practicum is TOMORROW. i had one of my professors come in and observe me today, which was fucking stressful. she called me at 10 PEE-EM last night to tell me she was going to �stop by tomorrow.� i sort of laughed at my situation and stayed up late to make my lesson a bit better. i am not good with that stuff, i am really uncomfortable having people watch me. anyway, we met today. luckily she is asweet, nice woman. i really love her. so it was cool. we had a good conversation and she saw some really amazing theatre pieces that my kids did. not much traditional socratic teaching or anything but that is not really how you roll with grade nines. their presentations were AMAZING and HILARIOUS. oh man. it�s interesting when under public pressure, how the success levels rise and there isn�t as much of a discrepancy in grades. i am looking forward to seeing tomorrow�s stuff.

i just have to make one more lesson for my last class. 

i am sad to go but also happy to go. i really love love love teaching and the KIDS and the human aspect of it all. but these aren�t MY classrooms , there is a different dynamic when you come in for 4 weeks and that�s it. the kids love me. today i came home totally wiped. i got a burger and was happy with the decision.

tomorrow im going out early with some of the other candidates. i have made some good friends the past 4 weeks. this one guy is the funniest dude ever. this toehr girl marta is hilarious, anti-religion and has this really dry, sarcastic sense of humour. i am looking forward to going out with them and celebrating, but i have a feeling im not going to enjoy it as much as i could because i am going to be SO FUCKING TIRED. but possibly not. maybe just stokc up on coffee tomorrow? i may just crash at 8pm.

im going to have work to do over the weekend but it should be cool.

i have bitched a lot in this entry and thats the way life goes i guess dudes, you bottle it up and pour it on out.

bye 



7:39 pm - 11.20.08

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