vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE CLICKS THAT CLICK HI Hello. I feel like maybe 25% better than I did the past few days. What's wrong with me? I'm miserly misery miserable. Well, kind of. I'm sick of not having a job. ANd the job that I do have, where's the money? Where's the pay. Where's the dignity? Jesus, my fucking boss can't even spell my name right. It's Thom Dick City. I feel I'm a pretty tough person in the real world, it's how my family goes. We stick it out and stay strong. But when I let everything down boy do I let everything down. I'm either walking around in a full body suit of armour or I'm close to dripping of bloody flesh in a sandpit for tigers to eat me, it seems. In my mind. I never let the latter happen but I feel that way and have to do a really hard job of keeping my cloak on. You know that idea about masks? That's me. I don't like the mask that I have to wear right now. I need to make chnages in my life I realized, I'm not happy. And I've really learned that. So I'm going to do it. I'm going in tomorrow and I'm going to say I'm there for another 2 or 3 weeks, and I'm outtie. Because I need a job. I want something FUN or at least something no stress. I want to show up to work, work 11-7, or 9-5 or whatever, fold clothes or whatever else that is totally irresponsible and come home and make music and do that. That's what I want right now when I'm waiting to get into college. I dont want to get some real freaky job like work in a law office or some shit. What's the point? I know where I'm doing and it's only a matter of waiting now. I also want money so that I can go to Faro, Sweden in the summer. This whole "being in my career and looking into it from the outside" thing is super alienating for me right now. It's almost turning me off of my career and that's not how it goes. Especially when you're working with someone in a profession that an necessitates individual style, and you don't really feel that style but have to work behind them 100% which is what I'm doing now, it really freaks me the fuck out. I'll look into working at a film archiving place too maybe or a shop near here. Andre has an amazing job archiving films and I want to do that! My dream job is making music for horror films. Wouldn't taht rule? I would do it just for fun. I should bridge connections with film students and just give them my cds for them to use whatever on. When we aired our films, sometimes the broadcasting company had to take out our music because they caught on that it wasn't ours. So they'd replace it with their shitty Cogeco communal non-copyright cds which were just terrible, so terrible that it was sometimes hilarious. I dunno. I feel like I have this time before my big career starts and I still have a bit left in me to work fun jobs with little stress and responsibility and then go partying out on weekends and meet kids and have fun. Once I get my teaching certification I'm going to be so happy. I won't be staying in Toronto next year-- I'll be away. But it will only be for 8 months. If Lakehead, it might only be 4 months! Because I found out that I can do teaching stuff for 4 months and do practicum stuff in Toronto! Anyway, I have this plan so far that I'm going to teach for several years, I'll give myself 5-10 years depending on how it goes and get ahead. When you are a teacher it is pretty accessible to move up, if you have the desire. I'm going to get into administration and write about pedagogy and politics and maybe weasle my way into OISE later in life. I spoke to my grandmother tonight, I called her since she has surgery tomorrow and I wanted to give her a comfort talk. It was surprisingly really nice. I thought it might have been annoying but it was nicer than talking to my parents! I told her about my anxieties I guess, I hadn't planned on it, but she asked me and the conversation led for me to pour it all out. She made me feel super good and was really supportive of what I wanted to do and I felt super validated and good. There was a great sense of relief when I hung up the phone, and I think I even cried a little. My parents have this hatred towards the idea of me quitting anything because they fear it holds proximity to me failing at life or something I guess. SO I dont feel comfortable talking to them about this stuff, and it all worries me so much because of that. Anyway. Geneva has new songs and it is so great! It's exactly what I needed to remind me that life RULES and is full of good shit and I can and will fill it with good shit too, and every shitty that ever happens to me or surrounds me is simply just Not Me and it's a matter of me pushing it the fuck away. It's not about me, It's You. Um what else? I cleaned the shit out of my room today. I did laundry, went through my box full of stuff that I have kept from people. If you give me something sweet I probably kept it and have it in there so I can go through it when I'm 80 years old and remember my sweet times and sweet buddies. I have a envelope full of me and geoff stuff, like our mini-golf score card, old cards, notes from bernice, letter from jackie, postcards from josef and trevor and jesse, a picture of the standing glove on bernice's floor, old metal shows photos, pictures from spain, karaoke with kerry and marcelle, a hotel key card from montreal with geoff, a crazy bookmark alex made me. There is lots of other stuff but it's private ! WHat's funny though is some of the things geoff wrote to me when we first started dating. They are so cute and funny and intense. We're going to go through it together later. I also went through my teaching application stuff for this first ttime since doing it. I had 3 folders full of papers and it's now recycled down into one neat little folder and it can be tucked away in the darkness until hopefully forever. I got rid of some clothes I dont want and folded my laundry. I felded it. I went through my underwear drawer and found a bunch of condoms in the back and sort of laughed to myself. This took a good portion of my day. Carly had to go to the emergency room because she stepeed on a glass and it cut her foot. I had class yesterday and it was good. I did my readings, kind of. I spoke a lot but didn't feel informed enough to have spoken so much, but I did anyway. I think my TA really likes me because I actually answer her questions and speak. I got a sandwich like I said but I ddin't work on music. I had a migraine so bad that I had to sleep. I feel a lot of stress about this as well. I am always itching to work on music. Always. A lot that I do, I feel guilty doing it because it's not working on music. Today I realized the great wonder of not procrastinating and did not procrastinate at all. I'm trying to be one of those real go getter getting shit done in a real efficient but chill and well-ahead kind of way. Ive been trying to be that person since fucking university but I guess when something is stressful I really put it off because I want to put off thinking about it and stressing. Life is really a big bullshit stupid picece of shit huh? By that I mean, like, we could all just be floating on fluorescent acid clouds over a tropical island full of polar bears and palm trees. It could all be an illusion and actually this is an illusion. Whatever I do, there's always more, I just want ot be me I want to be me! Gett outta town. Marc's bday is on Saturday and I"m pretty sure I'm going to that. 11:29 pm - 01.31.08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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