vaneigem's Diaryland Diary
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Same but different
I got a flickr account. flickr.com/photos/papermasche
Nothing exciting just aplace to store the photos. I'm going to start taking pictures again. Non-digital.
Im still in love with Meghan. She has led me to "meetings with remarkable trees."
I really am into joanan newsom lately. Her Ys album I think has saved my life. This sounds really, I dunno, trivial, and lame. But it is probably one of the most serious, emotional, yet simultaneously imaginative and playful things Ive experienced in awhile. Comes from someone who has gotten through tons of complicated threatening shit but has this real innocence and dignity about her. I was going to say "this is getting lame fast," but I'm not even going to discredit myself. I mean it all. The phenomenon itself is retarded. But I can really see through it and appreciate this really honest, inspiring thing that is happening RIGHT NOW. I'm sick of limiting non-disposable music that I can emotionally connect to to taht which has been made in the past. Also I saw her last October and it was amzing. I went with John but watched on my own while his pessimistic ghost-worldy debbie-downer girlfriend complained about the crowd.
I have a lot of work to do but I just went through all this stuff. Boys and extra-responsibility stress has aged me. It's true. I have neglected creative side. I used to get up at 7am, go to school, work on film until 5, play soccer until 7, and then work on film until 11pm. Well that was a busy day but I got shit done. I pined over boys I had no intention to get with because it was probably a lot more pleasant in my mind and to dream about. Distant dreams to me are comforting, but I was sort of making other dreams happen by getting inspiration from those distant dreams. When you dream there is always something else at work. If you cant imagine or be hopeful and just try to work reall yhard, your face is just going to age and youre going to get run down. I look at my face in the mirror and I look older than I used to. I look kind of tired and drained, not a helathy experience glow. I want my life to be a lot simpler. It's all really self-absorbed to say, but journals are a good time for self-evaluation. I definitely dont think about myself this in depth just hanging out doing stuff. Just lets me move forward. Self-consciousness keeps you good.
I want to work hard and be creative and above all, dream a lot a lot a lot. That's why I like young people a lot. They dream a lot. Mostly because they arent as empowered as adults. They remember this ability. Ive become what I hate in some respects.
This year is going to be a huge turn around. Graduating school is really epic for me. I need to use my time better. I need to be more disciplined. I am going to dream a lot and not care a whole lot. That is key-- not caring a whole lot. I care too much for other things. There is a point where it is healthy. It is a control thing. I have really neglected myself.
I sort of want to live on my own. I'm thinking about it. But it's too expensive I think. There are a couple people I was going to move in with, nothing set in stone. Another option is moving in with Carly. She has a room which would be good and no hassle for me and its cheap. I think I may do it.
I am in the slow process of working on what I was talking about earlier. I can tell. My mindset has really changed the past week or so. It's saving myself and my relationships with others. I'm not sure. I always need to be working hard at something. I think unviersity is so much huger than high school that Ive just shifted all my invested energy into school. When I get out of here, I think things are going to be great. I'm sick of investing in this school stuff. It breeds investment though so I gotta.
I have work to do now. I had really fun time with Geoff last night... we got wasted at my house, went dancing (sort of... I wasnt feeling the music too much) out for sweet disgusting nachos and then went home. I value that he confides in me and that we sort have this connection where we pretty much get each other in most senses. I can't say much else about that. ANyay i kinda passed out admist ashley having loud sex upstairs. she ws relaly embarrassed this morning I think but I made sure to make some jokes so she felt more comfortable. She kept apologizing but thats totoally cool its kind of funny. I dont care about that stuff. People have sex. Her little boy toy right now, Mark , he is really nice. But yeah sex without emotions to me is like..... cake without the sugar. I'd rather have bread. Unless... cake without sugar is bread..... shit. Is it??? oh fuck off. eat some mothafuckin cake. OK so its like simon without the garfunkel. ok no GROSS IMAGERY. oh my god this is too funny. im going to stop now.
11:34 pm - 02.18.07
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