vaneigem's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Familiar = Unknown It feels very necessary to have this for some reason. I'm just going to start writing and not feel restricted worried about who is reading it. There's enough constraints on us already so why place them on yourself, I figure. I started the catcher in the rye by salinger today. I've read only about 10 pages, I feel it is necessary that I read it as a human in north america. I feel it is also necessary that I shoudl read the bible, but i have never really brought myself. Oh yeah, and things that adam smith writes directly, and also doing that thing where you get a self-directed degree in economics. It appears to be some sort of duty, like doing the laundry, cleaning my room, settling finances, all of which I have to do. So. What do i do with myself? I'm finally over school and now I have no freaking clue. I haven't been in this state of no-obligation since I was 16. I had either had a job, or I was in school. Just now I realize how literally fulfilling they are in my life... or perhaps the word is occupying. The thing is, I have chosen this state and I dont like it. I've been "free" for about 12 hours now, and after the first half hour I was going nuts. THat's horrible and totally lame. I don't feel that way for real, but it's a very unfamiliar feel of I dontknowwhat. I think for the past two years I've attempted to find refuge in unfamiliar things but maybe it's just because there is familiarity to hope for, and I"m always reaching out for things that I cannot have. Regarldess, the point for me right now is to leisure, to get things straightened out, to just take a lot of time for myself and find new inspiring things and not be concerned with petty bullshit. For the past two months Ive flung myself pretty out there. I'm not exactly sure why I have but it feels like something I've needed to do. I needed a big change because I feel very differently. I think I've grown up quite a bit. Man some of tht ehings I did when I was 19 I look back on being so immature and retarded. What a crazy crazy period. I'm in the process of pulling myself together and finally I think I'm kind of there. Life has felt overwhelming abstract in that sense. I talked with Ber today and it was as if we had been talking every single day of our lives for hours of some sort. I guess I marvel in it a bit too much but it still kinda blows my mind how awesome she is. I enjoy listening to her stories mostly because she makes everythign sound funnier than what it is when she says it. I'ts pretty late and I"m tired. My sleep schedule is totally messed up from staying up all night studying. I have priorities! Sleep is for suckers. No, I really wish I could just slack and not sacrifice sleep for school. I'm trying to get super healthy but in a really moderated way. �'ve realized Im young, I'mtotally just trashing my body if i eat just a cracker full of shit i can't even pronounce. I dont want to be a lazy fatso that treats their body like wastedump. Granted, im not, but im totally just driven further and further away from it. I dont feel I'm taking advantage enough of my youth and i need to start now while things are easy. Life im coming back to full on. I'm weeding out the total shitheads/ douchebags /people who waste my time. I dont have the time, dignity, or will for it . THere is so so so much shit out there that I really try to just look the other way. THere's no point in complaining about it or letting it turn you into an asshole, i just would liek to pretend sometimes it's not there, or control it into my mind by turning it into something other than what it actually is. There are awesomekids I havent seen in a long time, too. Oh and also my kindred friends from home. 'School friends' are also sweet. I had a houseswarming with a bunch of my school friends, well mer did, but it was pretty nice. Some old ones. Someone approached me asking me where my boyfriend is. I went out to lunch with Emily recently but our conversation seemed very affected by the people around us. It seemed as though something else was going on in her life or she has been doing serious thinking or something that she was holding back with shifty eyes. I'm very interested to pick emilys brains. Im obsessed with wanting to read the unborn books my friends will never write. I'm quite excited for my future. I feel like something big is coming along soon. Once again it's very abstract, but I just have this strange feeling about it . I could do whatever I wanted right now. ive thought about maybe one day just biking as far as I could. Or throw myself into some sort of strange adventure. Im going camping next week?? har har. Matt, who recently is filling my life with much joy and hilarity, is booking us all . Im totally flabbergasted that he had the will and determination to organize it all. That sounds like a bad thing to say about your friend, but it's a you sorta have to know him kinda thing. He is like one of those kelso guys . Anyway itll just be me , laura, kelly, nick, finchy, him and nature! I'm waiting for jesse's postcard. He sent one in the mail. I miss him so sa much and can't wait for him to come back. I think it might be in august now , he was saying july but now i think august. I went home last week for a day. I had an essay and a test to do, but I went home for fathers day because i know my dad is still blue from his dad dying. I felt like I really needed to be there for him so I was up at 6am to take the train, and came back to TO like 8pm. He didnt say much to me as usual. He didnt really seem to give a shit about the present i got him nor the card I made . I felt kind of stupid but thats alright. I'm glad I went because I felt I had to do it. I had a nice conversation with my aunt, who went to ocad and is pretty cool adn has beautiful babies. She's pretty cool . She really tries to relate to me and recommend things and give me advice and shit and I really appreciate it immensely. She has really become a great part of our family , I know she doesnt do it just to impress her niece but because she is genuinely interested in my life. Im not sure if she understands though, im basically the quiet one that doesn't say much in the family. I'm the "quiet daughter ". I think shes just curious about talking to me more. I prefer to keep things to myself, especially my own life. If people don't know what's going on with me then they can't judge me. I guess that's kind of stupid. I've always been a bit embarrassed by the things I'm interested in, though. Sometimes I wish I was just some cheerleader girl that goes to cold play concerts and has a nice boyfriend named adam, and i read harry potter. I remember sitting on my bus and being really embarrassed whenever people ask me what kind of music I like. I hated saying I was really into black flag and shit like that. I thought people thought i was a total asshole for it. I feel a bit alienated from "adults" or, you know, typical people you'd find in some office building because it seems like they're all those cold play listening type of people. I like some coldplay songs though ok lets set it straight. Lately ive foudn some really inspiring things and opened my mind to new things. I think i really need a huge huge huge change like that.
Bens new band is really good. I havent talked to him in awhile. Hes a good good friend even if he doesnt live within physical proximity. Hes growing really popular through his dj thing he has, but was telling me about how crappy it is that people just want to know you for that reason. I dont know about you but i get really turned off by super popular people because they must be too agreeable. Hes like me and cant grasp the concept of a "disposable friend". Cant do that shit if i tried. But whats hilarious is that he can just play into it like an actor. Shooting the bull. or something. I just learned that expression. I hope i used it right. 2:53 am - 06.27.06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||